Friday, February 20, 2009

Last hurdle coming at me...

So lately, I have been growing but in doing so, I have also been ambushed by memories that I blocked from my childhood. Well, it wasn't so much block as just forgot-forgot the real reason for the pain behind the memories. Revisiting those memories have been anything but pleasant, but they also are a part of who I am. I am in the process of coming to terms with everything that I am both painful and not, but it is something that needs time. Since I have also as of late not been able to sleep very well, it has made everything 10x more difficult to deal with these memories. Though, I think this is the last hurdle I need to overcome in order to overcome my current slump. This must be the real deal because even when I assume I am fine, my body tells me otherwise and tears reappear with the reopened wound. Part of what is so difficult to overcome this last hurdle is that the pain comes not from the actual event but from feeling isolated and alone and not having the pain recognized by those who need to recognize it. Also, these memories span my entire childhood because it isn't a single event but it is the feelings that I had as I grew up. Re-examining my memories of those times, I see how I ignored them, blocked them by television and other means but clearly they were still there.

Even as I come to terms with myself, I don't lose hope but I am ever more confident that I will overpass it all with flying colors and come out above the rest. For now I need time and space to deal with it; until I can recall these memories without pain, I feel I cannot face the culprits of the responsible ones. It may hurt them but sometimes people need to be hurt in order to see truth. I have realized that sometimes being a pacifist in this world does not help. To survive in this world, you need to be able to see both sides, keep your head clear, and be able to take advantage of weaknesses on both sides. There is nothing gained if you let yourself become the weakest but there is all to gain in hiding your wisdom.

I keep learning new things by revelation from God because even if there is discussion among friends, not everyone learns the same thing or hears the same thing.
So I know that soon this will be over; I am outgrowing the things I once could not bear to live without. I know that I have a purpose because it is only for that purpose that I am here and living and I will continue on through hard and good times until I achieve my purpose.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize you did something so excruciatingly stupid and you wonder why you didn't catch yourself? I have lately been having those moments. So much so, that when my boss gave me a strict scolding, I ended up crying not because I was scared or what not but because I felt like I just let myself down more than her. So when I recently came up on some im conversations with my ex-crush, I couldn't help feel sad but as I read on I realized I was fighting a losing battle and that I should have just conceded when I started feeling it. Well, I am learning to let go now; wondering if I should let people suffer through some of my good and not so good poems. Well, here it is more for my amusement than any other person.

Unwinding

Fighting to keep you
Knowing you are leaving
What to do
Must I do

Time slips by
We are aging
Changing
Day by day
Inside and out

Soon there is no goodbye
Just space and time
Ever increasing
Between us
Memories blurring
Good and bad remembered

Yet reading your words
How foolish was I
And kind you were
If I could just
Admit defeat