Wednesday, December 16, 2009

No Choice

I will choose to laugh
To remember the good
Though the bad is right alongside it

These may be sad times
But the storm will pass
And everything will fade
Into a background of life

I choose not to despair
To hold onto the hope that is Christ
A hope that promises me
Everything I want and more

I cannot turn back
The road before me is all I can see
If I keep walking
I will eventually arrive
At my final place of resting

I may get there alone and
Beaten and battered
Weather worn and tired
But once there the burden
Will be but a distant memory.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

One week of this inevitable estrangement has passed and all the more I am wearied and just do not want to think about it. In the end, I tried so hard and got so far...never though that line would suddenly be meaningful again in my life and yet it is. I am so tired of this, I keep trying to avoid chaos but it seems God just keeps pointing out the bad in them. I wanted space first to avoid this, yet God saw I couldn't keep my promise and made it so there was no if's and but's, just doing. I am hurt and angry about it. I don't believe I did anything wrong.
I am sorry if telling someone that I like them screws them up but I really don't like to mess around with everything else. I did that last time and look what happened. I don't need my emotions to be toyed with until they decide. I need them to decide and then act. I need guys to be men instead of boys.
I never understood why some women prefer boys to girls. Perhaps I am jaded because I have never encountered a guy who wasn't a boy besides my brother. I have lived with a father who never could mature. It is enough for me. Oh I know that there are good men out there and that boys aren't all that bad but when it comes to relations - boys are terrible. They are still not brave enough to encounter the unknown and rather stick to their comfortable safe and secure ways. Perhaps I am just bitter but I have every reason to be at this moment.

Is it so scary just to have someone admit to you that they like you. Frankly I had a friend I knew liked me but though it did make me nervous, I didn't go out of my way to avoid him. I didn't lead him on either but I didn't cancel appointments. I just acted as best as I could. He did, however, not call me much though granted he never really did pursue me. I don't pursue people either if I know they don't like me. I try my best, I am honest,and I don't act unless I know where I am headed. I guess I maybe just too ahead of everyone else. I know I am not perfect and I have my flaws but I try my best everyday not to step on other's feelings. If I couldn't develop feelings for someone, don't you think I would but as it is, I don't think it's entirely bad to have feelings for someone either. It just means that I find you attractive and want to spend more time with you. However, I am past the point of wanting to make out - oh, sure that sounds fun and all but I am after a more deep relationship other than just the physical. I just want someone to talk to who I can relate. Even if you don't find me attractive, is it so hard to be my friend? Why is it that I suddenly become the enemy when you won't even hear me out. What are you so afraid that I will do to you? I am no witch; it was you that cast the spell. I respect your choice and I will ensure I don't trespass it. I have learned from more than one source never to hold my breath for someone. It's not worth it anyhow. I don't go for people who can't see me for me.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

For my friend who I love and would want nothing more than for her to reach her dreams. Wherever you may be, may God's love abide in your heart and warm your soul.

Emotions mixing.
Cold setting in.
Pain receding.
Truth emerging.

Friends laughing and eating
All merry and jolly
Good food, good times
Yet one empty seat remains.

Oh that I could fill it
With everything that is good
So that even the bad
Would be overwhelmed
And least affected
Would you be.

My wishes go out to you
This most jolly night
The tears and blood shed
If only they were yours
Not mine
And your pain were gone.

My pain is nothing
If only you would be healed
Praying for you ceaselessly
Believing endlessly

Pain and laughter mixing
God watches over us all
Giving us rest and nourishment
Hope in times of chaos
Love when most needed
Encouragement for all

If I could just
Show you how great is His love
That your pain would recede
The fire restarted
And joy overwhelming
A holy day it would be indeed!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

How do you know when you are ready for a relationship? It isn't about being passionate about someone. Emotions are things that cannot be controlled but we can choose how we react to them.

Somehow I thought I was over my heartbreak from last spring but almost all October I was sick with a cold and possibly pneumonia. During the time I spent home in bed recovering, I started becoming depressed and one of the depressing memories I had was about my heartbreak in spring. It wasn't just that I had fallen for him and he had rejected me but it was three shots to my heart. The first was the obvious rejection which if it had simply been that I would have been okay but then I realized later that I was rejected for someone 8 years my younger, someone still in high school. I had remembered reading "high school" but since I was already suffering from the first shock, my mind blocked it. The third and hardest of all for me to take was the avoidance that followed that week. I felt as if my friendship was worth nothing to him, that I had just been plan B, I still don't understand why he couldn't just tell me straight up. The general opinion and view is that it was plain immaturity (i.e. stupidity in my mind).
The funny thing is that my emotions aren't helping me deal with it. Having a heartbreak hasn't stopped me from developing feelings for someone else. Fortunately right now my reason is stronger and I know that I can't really be in a relationship until I am completely healed. While I maybe past the pain, I definitely don't feel like my old self. If you take the analogy that my heart is a glass object, right now I feel put back together but not as strong - still quite fragile. So lately, knowing the only way I can heal is through God, I have been just thirsting for God's presence and love in my life. I just feel like I haven't had enough of it lately. I get thirsty but when I drink water, I realize my thirst isn't thirst for water but for spiritual refreshment.
I think my main problem is that I want to fastforward the healing process but God doesn't work that way and neither does my heart. I think before I can be in a relationship I have to restore myself, make sure I am happy where I am at and part of that includes reaching the goals I set when I came to college -study abroad, architecture- until I am confident in myself again and not unhappy, I shouldn't and won't date.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Last hurdle coming at me...

So lately, I have been growing but in doing so, I have also been ambushed by memories that I blocked from my childhood. Well, it wasn't so much block as just forgot-forgot the real reason for the pain behind the memories. Revisiting those memories have been anything but pleasant, but they also are a part of who I am. I am in the process of coming to terms with everything that I am both painful and not, but it is something that needs time. Since I have also as of late not been able to sleep very well, it has made everything 10x more difficult to deal with these memories. Though, I think this is the last hurdle I need to overcome in order to overcome my current slump. This must be the real deal because even when I assume I am fine, my body tells me otherwise and tears reappear with the reopened wound. Part of what is so difficult to overcome this last hurdle is that the pain comes not from the actual event but from feeling isolated and alone and not having the pain recognized by those who need to recognize it. Also, these memories span my entire childhood because it isn't a single event but it is the feelings that I had as I grew up. Re-examining my memories of those times, I see how I ignored them, blocked them by television and other means but clearly they were still there.

Even as I come to terms with myself, I don't lose hope but I am ever more confident that I will overpass it all with flying colors and come out above the rest. For now I need time and space to deal with it; until I can recall these memories without pain, I feel I cannot face the culprits of the responsible ones. It may hurt them but sometimes people need to be hurt in order to see truth. I have realized that sometimes being a pacifist in this world does not help. To survive in this world, you need to be able to see both sides, keep your head clear, and be able to take advantage of weaknesses on both sides. There is nothing gained if you let yourself become the weakest but there is all to gain in hiding your wisdom.

I keep learning new things by revelation from God because even if there is discussion among friends, not everyone learns the same thing or hears the same thing.
So I know that soon this will be over; I am outgrowing the things I once could not bear to live without. I know that I have a purpose because it is only for that purpose that I am here and living and I will continue on through hard and good times until I achieve my purpose.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize you did something so excruciatingly stupid and you wonder why you didn't catch yourself? I have lately been having those moments. So much so, that when my boss gave me a strict scolding, I ended up crying not because I was scared or what not but because I felt like I just let myself down more than her. So when I recently came up on some im conversations with my ex-crush, I couldn't help feel sad but as I read on I realized I was fighting a losing battle and that I should have just conceded when I started feeling it. Well, I am learning to let go now; wondering if I should let people suffer through some of my good and not so good poems. Well, here it is more for my amusement than any other person.


Fighting to keep you
Knowing you are leaving
What to do
Must I do

Time slips by
We are aging
Day by day
Inside and out

Soon there is no goodbye
Just space and time
Ever increasing
Between us
Memories blurring
Good and bad remembered

Yet reading your words
How foolish was I
And kind you were
If I could just
Admit defeat