Thursday, July 31, 2008

Letting Go and Starting New

So I finally got to see a counselor and it was good. I didn't break down this time like last though there were a few times when mentioning some painful parts of my past that I felt like I was. We talked about my sleeping habits and how I could work on them and we also talked about how I handle my family currently. I have scheduled another meeting next week and one after that week too. Oddly enough, I feel like my counselor is almost like a confessor. She has told me some stuff I already knew but that I just needed to be told.
Anyhow I have gotten to the last section of Far Pavilions and as I was reading it, I came to the same conclusion that Ashton came to. I feel I need to let go of my past and start living my own life - a new life. I think that's what I need to work out with my counselor. I feel that it is about time that I should but letting go of anything is hard let alone your past and your childhood. I know I have to step out into adulthood and start making sacrifices but I guess I am afraid of turning out to be like my parents or family. I don't want to be sucked into a life I don't like.
One of those sacrifices is cutting back on my expenses. I am in a little bit of debt but it will eventually be paid off. I just can't buy any luxuries. I have to have a set sleep schedule as well. I have to really study this semester.
I have made up my mind. I have decided that when I graduate I will work with the government. As much as I don't like politics or bureaucracy, I don't think I would like to be a teacher after I graduate because then I wouldn't have much travel experience. Working with the government, it wouldn't be too much but it would be a lot more than it is for a teacher. I can't give up on traveling. I will not give any chance to regret. This way if it doesn't work out at least I will have tried and not be wondering forever.
Really, I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. I just have to focus on one thing. For now, that one thing will be graduating with foreign languages degree. Well, even before that, to improving my Japanese so that I can study abroad for a year in Japan. It will be hard to cut back on other hours maybe of hanging out with friends or watching TV or whatever but I am ready to shed that skin so to speak. I am tired of being a dragon and ready to begin afresh.
Anyhow, I know that I won't ever really get anywhere with my family until I accomplish all I have set out to do, until I prove to them that I can live without having to join the muck of the world so to speak. They don't believe me and they won't so I have to go about by myself. I have to find my own peace. I can't settle until I have lived out my journey. It's okay that I am single. I won't be ready to have anyone in my life until I find myself once again. I got lost amongst friends, amongst the need to be accepted, but now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and face hardships and obstacles without faltering back. I need to learn to not blame myself so much and just do it as Nike likes to point out. It is long due but then I had no one to help me realize this. I only had parents who doubted me and intercede in my own battles rather than let me learn.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Now I know I like to travel around and generally felt like a nomad but this summer is turning out to be a nomadic summer. I feel like I have been going from place to place even if I happen to have stayed at one place longer than a week.

First off, my apartment was supposed to be ready yesterday but there was a delay and I was told that it wouldn't be ready until this weekend. However, as the old saying goes, the best laid plans of mice and men don't always go according to plan. So today, I got a call and it turns out that there is another new delay and this time I wasn't given even a move-in least I wouldn't be told until Monday.

Secondly, after living with Marcie, Jessie and Brett for about a month. They found out that they were breaching their contract by letting me stay there longer than a week. So last weekend I was 'graciously told I had to find another friend to move in with' for what was then supposed to be the week before my move-in. So now I am staying at Rachel's house and will have to let them know that my move-in date has been delayed once again. Granted, I completely understand their situation and did feel like tensions were starting to rise but I think what was hardest to swallow was that I didn't feel like they were sad to see me go. I felt forgotten as a new friend moved in, one that could possibly classified as a best friend. Okay, I admit, I was jealous but I didn't let it show. I understood my place - but that doesn't mean I accepted it. Well, what do you expect from friends you've only known for three years?
I don't know anymore. I am truly thankful for their kindness in letting me stay for as long as I did. I just felt like I wasn't really appreciated or accepted.

I don't know how to take this. On the one hand, it has been a blessing to be with friends constantly but I am getting tired of having to move from one place to the next with three-fourths of my stuff in storage and no internet access on the weekends. Really, it gets frustrating to keep having that hope bashed. On the other hand, it has kept my parents at bay and it looks like they probably won't be able to help me move in because that date is so tentative that when I finally do find out that I can move-in they will be busy. Yet, even though I should call them up and tell them it's been delayed; I don't want my dad calling the property manager again. That was way too horrifying to find out that somebody just can't call me and ask me and is prying once again into my life that I want separate.

Yes, I still feel angry at my parents. For several reasons, one because they truly did disappoint me in my childhood and I was severely let down. Second, because they can't seem to live my life they way I want to yet I know once I am financially independent I will be able to stop that. Third, though it may well be tied to the first reason, is that one disappoint really was just traumatizing. I think my parents traumatized me way too much and as soon as I get over one trauma another seems to appear. I really should go see a therapist but I haven't been able to remember as well as being lazy. These things just occur at the most bothersome hour when you really can't do anything about it. If only I could just call my therapist.

I think I am generally confused this summer. I am happy that I am with friends but at the same time I really want a place of my own. I want to move into my apartment already! Secondly, as much as I know I should spend some time with my family, I still hesitate to answer the phone when they call as well as when I know I have to call them. I think the hesitation is due to the fact that for a while they kept bugging me about my graduation plans and wouldn't stop asking it and so I really got frustrated with it. I had planned to go home for the Fourth of July weekend but then I was going to move in on Saturday supposedly. When I found out I couldn't, I was a bit glad. I know my bff will be sad as well. I could still go home but I don't want to, not until I am finally settled in my apt. This really has been a trying summer.

On one happy note, I am thoroughly enjoying my art class though still having difficulties in the morning. I love it because I feel like I get along with everyone in the class and have even made some friends. Sometimes I feel like when I am drawing , I am complete. It isn't always easy but I know I can't stop. Work has been great as well. I definitely feel accepted even if most of the workstudies already graduated. I rally am confused because there are things that I am definitely glad for but there are things I am equally upset about this summer. What is one ever to do to keep from losing sanity?!?!