Thursday, July 31, 2008

Letting Go and Starting New

So I finally got to see a counselor and it was good. I didn't break down this time like last though there were a few times when mentioning some painful parts of my past that I felt like I was. We talked about my sleeping habits and how I could work on them and we also talked about how I handle my family currently. I have scheduled another meeting next week and one after that week too. Oddly enough, I feel like my counselor is almost like a confessor. She has told me some stuff I already knew but that I just needed to be told.
Anyhow I have gotten to the last section of Far Pavilions and as I was reading it, I came to the same conclusion that Ashton came to. I feel I need to let go of my past and start living my own life - a new life. I think that's what I need to work out with my counselor. I feel that it is about time that I should but letting go of anything is hard let alone your past and your childhood. I know I have to step out into adulthood and start making sacrifices but I guess I am afraid of turning out to be like my parents or family. I don't want to be sucked into a life I don't like.
One of those sacrifices is cutting back on my expenses. I am in a little bit of debt but it will eventually be paid off. I just can't buy any luxuries. I have to have a set sleep schedule as well. I have to really study this semester.
I have made up my mind. I have decided that when I graduate I will work with the government. As much as I don't like politics or bureaucracy, I don't think I would like to be a teacher after I graduate because then I wouldn't have much travel experience. Working with the government, it wouldn't be too much but it would be a lot more than it is for a teacher. I can't give up on traveling. I will not give any chance to regret. This way if it doesn't work out at least I will have tried and not be wondering forever.
Really, I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. I just have to focus on one thing. For now, that one thing will be graduating with foreign languages degree. Well, even before that, to improving my Japanese so that I can study abroad for a year in Japan. It will be hard to cut back on other hours maybe of hanging out with friends or watching TV or whatever but I am ready to shed that skin so to speak. I am tired of being a dragon and ready to begin afresh.
Anyhow, I know that I won't ever really get anywhere with my family until I accomplish all I have set out to do, until I prove to them that I can live without having to join the muck of the world so to speak. They don't believe me and they won't so I have to go about by myself. I have to find my own peace. I can't settle until I have lived out my journey. It's okay that I am single. I won't be ready to have anyone in my life until I find myself once again. I got lost amongst friends, amongst the need to be accepted, but now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and face hardships and obstacles without faltering back. I need to learn to not blame myself so much and just do it as Nike likes to point out. It is long due but then I had no one to help me realize this. I only had parents who doubted me and intercede in my own battles rather than let me learn.

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