Monday, January 23, 2006

When you feel like you can't go on and even the near future is blurry...

I have finally gotten settled into the new spring semester. It got off to a rocky start when I lost my parking permit and school ID with it. Thank God, I didn't lose my driver's license - that would have been a lot more of a hassle and drama than I need. Needless to say, I called my best friend that day and vented my heart out because gosh was it a lousy night even if the day was really good! Looks like if I can manage to not procrastinate this semester, then I should have a really good and somewhat easy semester. The temptation though is to procrastinate, I already have procrastinated all of last week thanks to that whole drama/hindrence. Surprisingly, reading my architecture book has been challenging and astronomy homework and reading has confused me. I will however get it done. Everything seems to be going well for me, I am enjoying being in the dorms and have yet to feel lonely, which leads me to belief that something is bound to happen that will send me for a ride. There already is one thing that is teetering but I think there is something else that will send me for a wild ride/shock. However, I feel like I am prepared for it. I just feel proud of myself for going as far as I have. I think I have reached a plateau of life though not the plateau of my life's journey; yet there is definitely a steep climb to reach the next plateau but I am up for the challenge. That steep climb is the theme of this semester for me.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Winter break is over...

and I feel glad to be returning to school. The fast pace and work are a welcome change and I plan on starting out my classes as well as the new year with positive attitude and more responsibility. I dislike the laziness that prevented me last year from getting an A in my honors class and that forced me to skip some of my favorite classes so that I catch up on my school work. I hate that I ended waking up late on mornings and debating in my mind if I should go to school - that's not me. It's not right to do that and I feel extremely guilty after I do do that. I dislike how easily I am persuaded by myself nonetheless to be extremely unresponsible and even I am my own worst critique. I am going to wake up now enjoying my life and hopeful. Even if my past experiences of waking up were horrible, I won't let the past be the predictor of my life. I am stronger than that and I refuse to let the world corrupt me. I know there are things in this world that are ugly and that corrupt people but it's like becoming corrupt and negative and selfish won't help to change the world a better place it will only add to the already negativity of it. I don't care step on me because of my niceness but I hate it when people say that my niceness is something fake or that it gets them angry because it's just like them to judge someone and add to it. I know I can't allow myself to be stepped on because it doesn't help but I won't add fire to fire. If I seem like a hypocrite because I laugh a lot and am happy most of the time, it's not because I am hiding my pain but that I am trying to be strong so that I won't get crushed under the current of negativity. I may be strong on the outside but even the strongest walls come down with time unless they are cared for. In most cases my mind and heart conflict but when it comes to perseverence, they agree that I cannot give up, that I must continue on despite the pain and torture and obstacles. I want to be able to prove to my God that I believe in Him always because I know He loves me so. I accept the past that was given to me and the pain and suffering that comes with it. Asked if I were to repeat it, I would say yes because had it not been for that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. Even so though, my strength is not as stable as can be because I am still a human being.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Time is a mystery to me...

How is it that time can go by so quickly and at the same time it goes by slowly. I am just amazed that winter break is almost over. I am happy to be going back to school and see all my friends from school again but then I am starting to feel sad that I have to leave home again. I still havent spent time with my friends from middle school. Well, I still have one week left of vacation because my father is going out of town and I can't leave until he comes back since he is driving us back to Abq.
This break so many changes have taken place and even though I am fine with them, its just that it all happened so suddenly that I am left to wonder about time itself. For instance, we think we have forever to live but in reality it really isn't that long. So is time something that depends on perception or I don't know. I am confused on this. Well, I guess we can only go with the flow of time and trust God to guide us to where we should be.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Gilmore girl marathon makes me feel smarter!

Soo I recently went to best buy and bought the fourth season of Gilmore Girls (I love that show) because they were on sale for half their original price. If I had more money I would have bought all five seasons but alass I spent all my money on presents. Anyhow watching it made me feel smarter and glad to be in college. It also made me anxious for the far future which is to be a mother. I think I will be a good mother when I am ready for that even if I have a career. We will so how that works out.
Soo things are coming along smoothly now, nothing new has happened. My brother leaves to Houston this friday sadly. I will miss him. It turns out that I will be able to take my honors class and possibly even go on the Thailand mission trip with Analisa and Carrie this summer. Wow things are so crazy now. I wonder what this new year will bring me. I trust in God almost completely because I am just hardly ever in the present. I am always in my own world thinking of things all the time. So every decision I make is never really well thought out or planned out.

It's strange how many people wear masks. We all walk around pretending we are happy and that everything is working out in public but in private it's a different story. Even stranger to think that every home is different and every family has a different story and furthermore every person has different experiences. So it really is possible to think that this world we live on could just be a giant computer built to answer the question of life.

I really think that I am following my path but today when my mom and I stopped by a Quiznos to eat dinner, we ran into an old classmate from high school. She remembered me pretty well and for the life of me I couldnt recognize her. She was two classes above me and so I was like well I dont think I got to know older classmates. Then after thinking about it I was like wait, I do remember I had P.E. class with some seniors in my sophomore year of high school and took pictures with them and thats when I remembered her. It was strange that I had forgotten about that year and that P.E. class and it made me feel glad that she remembered me, but that just shows how much I am not in the present and it makes me feel sad that I could forget that. So I hope to be able to be more in the present but for some reason my mind wanders off. Odd, that. Well I can't really do that much about that but I will try and be happy about each and every day of my life. I mean I should be happy to be alive but I guess I still retain some of my old attitude. I will work on that this year. I wonder what it means exactly to be happy to be alive because I really thought I was happy but now I see that perhaps I am not because I don't appreciate every day of my life fully. However, the question is when you are happy to be alive how do you act? I think I am but that I just dislike the society and culture that we live in. I mean if you ever look at people, they seem to be numb and always in a hurry. They never fully enjoy their life it seems. Then they patronize kids and have very little spirit. Its just all so monotone and dull and I am a colorful person with lots of spirit. I believe that we should listen to kids because they can see more than we can (and I am speaking both figurativelyand in some cases literally). I mean shouldn't we be more open minded, isnt that the way to gain peace. So why are more adults becoming close minded and...dull instead of more happy? I just see the world in a sense degenerating but at the same time also regenerating. I know its wierd, I can't explain it. Perhaps its just another aspect of the balance we live in.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

A New Year and New Beginnings

Yay, this new year's eve I got to spend it with my best friend out in the open space of her home in the suburbs. It was really great and I got to play with her 4 dogs and 3 cats! That was soo much fun. It was really nice spending time with her and having fun. Even though she didn't enjoy my game of "continue the story" lol. I had some really good food and ate pretty well...first time I had more than one meal (eheheh) and I actually felt very rested: Falling asleep to the music and talking with my friend. Yah it was really restful. It took my mind off of my family issues and I felt very accepted and comfortable there (where as now at home, I feel like the oddball). It was great. Coincidently my first dream of the new year involved a certain someone I know in a peculiar state of mind to say the least.

So my new year's resolution:
1)To be uber confident of myself so that I won't easily get influenced by media and by the opinions of others but myself
2)To get my studies in order so that I can graduate up to atleast As
3)To enjoy my college years and days of youth to the max capacity

I know they are vague and such but really I don't know what else to ask for *cough cough* but I think that really I have already a lot. I just need to work on my study habits.

On a sidenote: While driving/riding back home on the freeway. There was this group of motorcyclists riding too. They looked so hot!!! My dad asked if I would ride one of those and I said ya because thats soo hot! They were the sleek kawazaki and such type motorcycles that I like and with the helmets...they looked soo freakin cool! They passed us but when we got off the freeway they were at the gas station at the corner we turned. I was secretly wishhing I could ride one of those babies!