Friday, January 13, 2006

Winter break is over...

and I feel glad to be returning to school. The fast pace and work are a welcome change and I plan on starting out my classes as well as the new year with positive attitude and more responsibility. I dislike the laziness that prevented me last year from getting an A in my honors class and that forced me to skip some of my favorite classes so that I catch up on my school work. I hate that I ended waking up late on mornings and debating in my mind if I should go to school - that's not me. It's not right to do that and I feel extremely guilty after I do do that. I dislike how easily I am persuaded by myself nonetheless to be extremely unresponsible and even I am my own worst critique. I am going to wake up now enjoying my life and hopeful. Even if my past experiences of waking up were horrible, I won't let the past be the predictor of my life. I am stronger than that and I refuse to let the world corrupt me. I know there are things in this world that are ugly and that corrupt people but it's like becoming corrupt and negative and selfish won't help to change the world a better place it will only add to the already negativity of it. I don't care step on me because of my niceness but I hate it when people say that my niceness is something fake or that it gets them angry because it's just like them to judge someone and add to it. I know I can't allow myself to be stepped on because it doesn't help but I won't add fire to fire. If I seem like a hypocrite because I laugh a lot and am happy most of the time, it's not because I am hiding my pain but that I am trying to be strong so that I won't get crushed under the current of negativity. I may be strong on the outside but even the strongest walls come down with time unless they are cared for. In most cases my mind and heart conflict but when it comes to perseverence, they agree that I cannot give up, that I must continue on despite the pain and torture and obstacles. I want to be able to prove to my God that I believe in Him always because I know He loves me so. I accept the past that was given to me and the pain and suffering that comes with it. Asked if I were to repeat it, I would say yes because had it not been for that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. Even so though, my strength is not as stable as can be because I am still a human being.

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