Thursday, December 21, 2006

A Crown Worth My Time

Though gloom and despair
Nip at my heels
Crowns my head

Against this world
That binds and binds
And saddens to the tenth
Rebelliousness stands tall

When the world presses on me
Its demands and its rules
The apexes of my crown
Break the bubbles of their world

Their on the crests of the crown
Lie my true points of life
Where no plan can encompass
All the riches and honors
That lie in store for me

Plans of flying
Above all the pollution and rubble
Plans of creating
Works of thought and amazement

Nothing will move it
From its place
Not wind nor sea
Nor air nor fire
It is there
To the end of my time

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Sleepless nights
Endless hours surfing
I sometimes wonder
If Haruhi Suzumiya
And I are alike

It would be interesting
To have a day
In a world created
By our mind
I sometimes
Think too much
About random things
Or nothing at all

I was told that
I surf all over the place
I guess
I spend too much time
On the internet
And not enough
Doing homework...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

November is here and December is around the corner...

I am scared and frightened
Tired and stressed
But my spirit is still strong
While my body is exhausted
I want to cry these lonely nights
But my spirit stands firm
I know my circumstances are hard
But I can't quit
I will persevere
I will overcome my circumstances
Become better than I am now
I will
Be the person
I see in the distant future
Who is waving back at me
With a smile
Beckoning me forward to her
She whispers to me
Don't give up
You will reach it
My wings are tied
But I know they exist
If I can just persevere
I will free myself
From the chains of
The past
And free my wings of
The future.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Fall Poems
Sadness in Time

A tear falls down my cheek
As my heart beats
The sky blackens
And the leaves fall
As I reminisce
On what this life
Has brought me

I wonder about
You and I
My future
My past
My present

Watching the sunset before me
I remember everything
Who I am
Where I am going
Who you are
Where you are going
And what you are to me

I know our paths are seperate
But these feelings
Cannot be controlled
My heart
Cannot be denied
My self
Cannot be ignored

As I think about you
I wish with everything I am
That it wasn't this way
But time continues
Leaves fall
Sun sets
And time slips
Through my fingers.

Autumn Revelation

A tear falls down my cheek
As my heart beats with the falling leaves
Looking up at the sunset
Beyond the falling rain
Ahead is a fork in the road
I see you there
At the opposite end
With blurry eyes
But stable feet
Whispered in the autumn breeze
Praying they reach your ear
My thoughts and feelings
I send to you.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Waiting for time to pass
Uncertain of the future
Everything before me is blurry
Including the past
All I know is myself
And where I want to be
Nothing else matters

Obstacle after obstacle
Heartache after heartache
I stumble forward
As God pushes me
My legs move on their own
Despite my weakness
Inside my soul is on fire
I cannot give up

The past is the past
And no pattern can define me
I am as infinite
As God is timeless
Don't try and define me
For I have no classification
I once was an awkward shy girl
But she died
And instead I was reborn
Through Christ

He is with me always
Even in my loneliest hour
And through Him
I have gone far
He has shown me the world
And the truth of everyone
That which I couldnt see
Until I died
Even the the biggest problem
Has become but a minor delay
See this smile on my face
It is because He is with me.

I have no need for pity
All I ask is that you accompany me
As far as you can
On my journey
When our paths split
You shall forever be in my heart
With Christ
But this is my journey
To freedom

And so it goes
On this path to my final destination
Many will pass
Some will stay a while
And a few will join me most of the way
But only one can
Can go all the way
If he chooses
Until then
I have Christ

Friday, September 22, 2006

Silently I watch
As you pass me by
Without a word
All along
Holding in
Wishing to release
What are grades
When all that matters
Is the end

Monday, September 11, 2006

A Season of Drought

Sleepless wet nights
Tousled sheets
Recurring incidents
Slipping from my hands
I watch all stability leave me
Praying for a miracle
Only to be paid in reality
Wishing for a vent
An outlet
A refuge
A counsel
To let out my frustration
To be understood
To be healed
To find release
From this eternal cycle
All along I trudge
Through the hot difficult sands
Of this season of drought.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Late nights, cartoons, reality shows, and dreams are to mental health as bad late night pizza is to your stomache.

Weird dreams dilute
The reality of time
Making the moment of awareness
The more twilight

Cartoons are not real
Yet mixed with thoughts
And current events
Seem so similar

Reality shows
Are not real
Yet popular they be
Even in one's subconscience
They make an appearance

Time pressure
Reality consuming
Missing elements of comfort
Missing home.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Two weeks = Eternity

It has only been two weeks since I moved into my new dorm but for some reason it has felt longer and I keep realizing that it hasn't been that long since I have been in school. It's strange looking out a window and then realizing you have a different view from last semester and even a different room. I just hadn't been fully conscious of the change though some people call that being nostalgic. It's strange to take a step back and realize how much life does change because sometimes we are so caught up in trying to reach that future that we don't appreciate the present. I guess for some people they really don't care but personally I like to stop and smell the roses whenever I get the chance.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Philosophy, life, struggle...

Soo I feel like I am in limbo and because it seems that life is trying to make me quit and I cannot quit. I am not a quitter, but this semester has been crazy. I thought school would be so much better but instead it has only given me more of a struggle. I have felt like crying for the past few weeks but my pride won't let me. I won't give up but if I can survive this semester then I think I will have fully matured. There is just so much going on and I am absolutely busy.

So apparently Nietzche (probably mispelled his name) said that time repeats itself and that you suffer the greatest heartaches and joys repeatedly. At first, I didn't believe it but now it makes sense atleast in terms of repeating semesters. However, this news doesn't cause me to despair because I have a stronger will that provokes me only to see this piece of philosophy as another challenge to overcome. If anything I know that I cannot give up. I only pray for guidance and maybe some support.

I think that this year is my year of testing because who knows how hard it will be to be out of college and fully independent. How hard is real life? So I guess this a test of my will to see the true strength, to prove for once and for all that I am a strong and smart person. That I can handle living on my own. I cannot quit no matter how narrow the path ahead seems. This is my life, my dreams and goals, and I know I can do this. I don't want to be stuck in time but move forward.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Summer is gone
Fall is near
Time stands still
As I moan and groan

Watch me
As I grow
Learning, working, earning
All day long

I have no break
No time to relax
Just time to grow

One tear here and there
Another for that
Oh when will life
Ever cease to be difficult!

Saturday, August 12, 2006


On a path
A fork appears
A guess
And a choice
Smooth and long
It led on

Now a new fork appears
Looking back
Time well spent
Another road
Winds down
Long and hard
And often times
In the dark

What lays ahead
At the end
All the encouragement
I need to see
One step forward
On a new path

In every thing I am and do
I know I have a purpose
I cannot hold back any longer
I must overcome myself
To achieve that which I was meant to be
Times change
And so must I
One glance back
Two steps forward
I am ready
To begin the journey of

Friday, August 11, 2006

That is what I seek most in life at this point. However, it seems that life keeps trying to build up that wall that I have destroyed. My father and brother continue to seek to tie me down with words that hurt and condescending attitudes. When all I have done is really seek to be a pleasing person to my friends and family and to trust the Lord with all my anxieties of the future and present. He has not let me down but this continuous disapproval from my own kin makes it harder for me to succeed. I struggle day and night to stay optomistic and positive, to not let them get to me, but it still hurts when you wish with all your heart still that they would be proud of you. They see me not for who I am but for my flaws. Now more than ever my heart is worn and my mind bogged down by the pressures and anxieties exerted on me every return trip I take home. My only comforts are my mother, friends and above all the confidence God has bestowed upon me as well as His love. I will not give up nor listen to those who seek only to elevate themselves by abusing me with their words. I will hold fast to my Lord and do my best to please Him, and I shall continue to work hard towards my dreams.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

TV's should be taken out of hospital rooms...

Soo I am sick for the first time all summer. This sickness seems to be divinely given because 3 days ago I was perfectly fine but only when I arrived at my second bff's house did I suddenly seem to get ill. Well, despite a harsh sore throat, I was still able to go hiking in Las Cruces as planned with the aid of lots of water. Seriously, if God hadn't reminded me that drinking lots of fluids would help you, I would be soo sick right now that I would have no voice nor be able to eat comfortably. While my voice is still slowly being affected, I atleast have no sore throat just lots of congestion and coughing.
Today I woke up and felt my throat being clogged by whatever germs and bad stuff is causing me to be sick but it slowly diminished as the day wore on. However, I decided today I should play it safe and rest at home. How did I spend my time resting, by watching TV almost non-stop for the first time in months. Never again shall I do that, I got a huge migraine that still persists. I am now thoroughly persuaded that TV is horrible for your health, why else do you get headaches after watching something for so long. I am soo glad that I am not addicted to TV as much as I used to be when I was young. I am thoroughly convinced that TV made my youth that much more difficult to get through with its addicting qualities and poor lifestyle forming habits.
One good news is that it has been raining again here and I just feel so glad for that because it had been so dry and hot that my mom's pomegranite tree dried out from lacking of water over the course of a week (when we were out of town and my father being a bum didn't bother to water the plants even though my mom told him every time we called home) even though it was under the shade of one of our backyard trees, away from direct sunlight. Ayy, I really don't enjoy living in such a dry hot area. I mean I am an aquarian afterall. Somedays rain makes all the difference of having a good day or bad day.
Oh I am so ready for school to start. I am excited about my new job as a middle school mentor as well as being nervous too but as my cousin's wife tells me, never underestimate yourself and your abilities. If you tell yourself that you won't succeed then you are already setting yourself up for it but you should never be afraid to atleast try. I am also hoping to really focus this semester on my grades. I need to get back in the groove. I miss math and english. It feels so good when I can do an excellent job on my work and prove that I am intellegent and responsible and so thats my goal this year. I know I can do so much better than I did last year, and if I want to get into Cornell for grad school I got to show my true colors. I also hope to become independent from my parents soon because I really don't appreciate my father's sense of humor. It really is frustrating when one comes to rest here but all he does is nag that you don't do anything when he is even worse. However, if I am to pay for my own graduate school education I will atleast need to be making 4,000 dollars a month by that time. I am not even sure I want to study abroad anymore because I feel I am getting too sidetracked from my dream of being an architect. I just feel like I am in one of those dreams where even though you are running, the goal just keeps getting farther. I miss school, I am just a lover of all things scholastic.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Raining elsewhere but here
Struggling to stand up
I reach for the sky
The stars twinkle at me
The rain drops fall silently
Like the tears
I cannot express
As I stare up
Into the hole in the clouds
That becomes my heart.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy Independence Day everyone!

Well another holiday has come and gone, this one marking the middle of summer vacations. One more month until school resumes. I am not sure whether I should be happy or sad; happy that I won't have to be dealing with nagging parents anymore that complain I spend too much or sad that vacations are ending. However, as much as I slept, the waking hours I had weren't too great and overweighed my sleep causing me to want to sleep more. I atleast have worked on my summer reading and been able to see my friends but I think it is time for me to move on up the ladder of life and become independent since they don't appreciate me being home.

Change is inevitable. Change happens every second of existence from conception to death. In some ways I haven't changed but in other ways I think I have, that is I have changed for the better. However, it's not just personal change that happens but everything changes around you. You think the world is constant but it isn't at all. It changes at the same pace as you do. Things that I thought would never have changed like the city and my neighborhood. They have and continue to change but just like growing up...these changes are very subtle.

I thought I could come home more often but the truth is that staying home only inhibits me more than helps me. I end up regressing because I have to deal with one lousy father who has stayed behind in the past from cowardice and thus never grew up and never got with the program. It's a good thing that I actually like change, otherwise I might have ended up like him. I wish he would grow up though but that would be a miracle and take a long time to happen. I don't know why or how my brother puts up with him but I cannot. He goes against everything that represents my identity and what I value as important things. Well, atleast now I know what to avoid in guys.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

My nerves are still recovering from one of the most "rollercoaster" days of my life.
I have to say. I am glad for my best friend Tina because without her I would be lost but she always knows what to do to make me laugh. Ah laughter and music truly are life savers for me.
From visiting my awesome friend Isaac, getting starbucks with my bff, to dealing with coming home to a city I am not so fond of, to screaming and embarrassing our butts off for some hot motorcycle dudes, to putting up with my dad's rudeness, to laughing at Tina's favorite pants splitting while getting a has been one heck of a day.
The tent is going back up in the backyard. I once again find myself trying to accept reality at home. For tonight, I will be spending the night at Tina's house. Tomorrow, I shall just have to listen to some really awesome rock music and even angry music to calm myself down and cheer me up as well as good books. I only wish it wasn't as hot as it is here the 100s..uggh.
The weekend was totally shweet though! It was soo much fun hanging with my best friend who despite getting scared by my random bursts of hyperness, will allow me to sing to my heart's content. I even got her into swing dancing!!! The Panic at the Disco concert was awesome, the opening bands were cool, but it was great getting to meet the members of Panic despite them being younger than me, fresh out of high school. They were still cute. Tina and I got awesome front side view of the bands but we were tossled a bit by the center crowd and even had a bit of a crowd surfing problem towards the end. All in all, we got out safe and sound without a bruise contrary to a wise woman's thoughts. Lots of prayers for tolerance of parents will be appreciated this week.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Ahh June has finally arrived and I only have one trip more to make this month before I can settle down at last. Travelling around has been great but I am ready to start working once I get a job. OH hopefully I will; I am praying fervently for such. In just a few minutes or hours, depending when my best friend arrives, I shall be leaving to arrive in Albuquerque for the Panic at the Disco concert!Woot!Woot! Ah, but alas, she has bitten the poison apple and has no prince to wake her up just yet.
In other news, I am materialistically enjoying my comfortable bed rather than continue my camp-out in the backyard. It was nice while it lasted but the bed is soo much more comfortable than the sleeping bag; not too mention the fact that its nice and cool in the house and there is no glaring sun in my face when I wake up. Oh well, I guess in some respects I am normal.
Being a shopaholic and broke is a tragic drama, there are soo many cute clothes in the mall that I want to buy but cannot afford. I need to learn to be happy with the clothes I have as well as donate some clothes to closet is soo packed. I also need to avoid the mall which won't be possible if I get a job there. Ahh too many things I want and an eternity to wait for them. Need to learn to be happy where I am at but I was born in a materialistic capital world-thus I became a shopaholic.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sweet summer bliss....
Summer has finally started for me. After traveling nonstop for three weeks now and being able to jsut laze about and do nothing, I can soo appreciate a/c!
Ahh beautiful a/c and controlled environments and toilets...all these things are soo much appreciated. My last travels with my honors class through northern new mexico definitely pushed me beyond my normal level of comfort but good friends helped me stay sane and distracted me from the reality of my situation of living in a rural environment. It wasn't soo bad but just I am spoiled and this was no place to be lazy and selfish and I didn't want to be. Well atlast I am back in albuquerque for two days and then flying home. Tired. Daydreaming. Accomplished. Happy. And soon to be Distracted.
Ja Mata-Until next time.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Messy rooms
Unfinished tasks
Poor food choices
Have me
At my knees

School is almost
At its end
With joyful
Summer plans

Flowers blooming
Cool breeze blowing
Warm sunny days
Tests awaiting

Everywhere I look
I cannot help
But to see
Joyful expressions

Friends and weather
Happy couples
Yet this one poor soul
Has no peace

Sitting by the pond
Reading silently
Keeping her mind
From all sad thoughts
That might
Torment her

Oh wonderous God
Whatever it is
That you have in store
For this one soul
Then let me
Have the strength
To face adversity
And to get through
The remainder
Of this school year!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Soo this has been one of the best Easter weekends that I have had. I really can't remember having a better Easter weekend, in fact, I can't remember how was my last Easter holiday. All I remember is early childhood, how we would have easter egg hunts with them. That's the only really good Easter that I can remember. Easter egg hunts...yup nothing else as exciting as this weekend. I guess in a way I was reborn. From the drab and most regretable years of my life which were a good chunk, I have been reborn to the person I am now.

So to summarize my awesome Easter weekend:
Friday-went to eat w/ Aleisha at the Thai House cuz I was sick of Lapo and then went salsa dancing which was a lot better than last time I went, definitely got a lot more dancing done and even learned a few new moves

Saturday-woke up and had workday, hard work but had good company, afterwards went out of town with friends to Ruidoso where we once again had good non-Lapo food and then I got to be a child and swing on the swings and play hide and seek, then went to watch Ice Age 2 which was really funny and definitely a good movie, lastly we played card games which I believe I won both of them except for Omaha, and finally journalled before going to bed.

Sunday- I woke up early three times and third time I got up and checked the time to find out it was 8am. Way early...earlier than I thought I would wake up but it was so nice waking up like that. I got up brushed my teeth, did my makeup, and then checked on my friends sound asleep in the other room, so I ended up reading my book which I started/left off at a really good chapter and soon I was enthralled in the story once again. Coincidently/ironically/ oddly enough, where i started seemed to parallel some of my present thoughts of the time. Once everyone else was up and somewhat nourished with our nacho cheese breakfast, we were off to church for Easter mass. Being in a different church I wasn't used to was definitely interesting, but I still felt comfortable because ...I really can't explain. There was just this feeling of mysticism but I prefer to say it was a feeling of God's presence, of being a part of something very special. When it came time to do the Easter blessing of water, we were asked to bless each other instead of having the priest bless us all at the same time. The feelings were warm and there definitely was love, and the people were truly devout people. I guess it is good to go out of your comfort zones from time to time because only then can you truly appreciate what God gives you. After Mass, we went shopping down mid-town, I got myself a cute pair of turquoise star earings and a small turqouise cross neclace for 10 dollars. After strolling down and browsing through a few stores (because a couple were closed for Easter holiday) and spotting some cute finds but over our budget, we finally got hungry and decided to head for lunch. However, we were out of luck because our first two choices for lunch were closed, italian and a casual tea lunch restaurant. Soo in the end, we settled for Chinese. We were afraid it would be closed but it wasn't. Later on I remembered the practicality of the Chinese people. That got me to thinking about a Christmas story and my friend Marco's statement, Jews and Chinese tend to support each other on these things since they don't observe our holidays. Then I thought, it would be something to combine Jewish frugality and knowledge with Chinese practicallity and their knowledge as well. There is no doubt in my mind that they would get a lot accomplished. So anyhow, the Chinese food was excellent, priced fair and even though we got stuffed, we still had extra food to spare. It was also great because we got to share each other's food...I believe this is the Asian way of eating, rather than have seperate plates handed out with food, you get platters of your food and everyone gets how ever much they want and what they want. It is a very practical thing to do because it helps to keep people from overserving and having food go to waste in a sense. After eating, the plan was to go hiking or to the park again but we were soo stuffed that it was decided we would just go back to my friend's house and take a 30 min nap. The afternoon sun really was that enjoyable. I, however, didn't take a nap because I was reading my book once again. Yup, its a pretty good book I tell you. Have I mentioned I have become fond of books. So afterwards, by the time we were all packed up and ready to go on our hike, it had gotten late in the evening (6pm) and so it was too late to go hiking not because it was getting dark but because we had to get back to campus by 8-9pm. I got back in time to make it to our sunday devotional time which I didn't want to miss. It was a good one that once again the scriptures gave me some insight to my faith and made me more strong in it. Always a plus.

Yup, a pretty excellent and inspiring Easter weekend. I definitely was able to get in touch with God this weekend. His presence was felt throughout. I was even able to cheer up my friend from Colorado online afterwards because she had had a bad Easter holiday. It is always nice helping out friends in that way. I enjoy it. I also believe that I am on the right track. I know I have a passion for my major and my minor is definitely still good. I also know that this is my calling because even in my successful vision of life, I still see God in my life, working through me, to get much good done in the world. I also see how this correlates back to my childhood motives and dreams. It really is amazing. Once again, I can't stop praising God and his amazing grace "that saved a wretch like me".

Friday, April 07, 2006

Procrastination...soo hard to not do. I procrastinated all day today. But today has past and I am moving on. I had volunteered for a position of the Stations of the Cross at Mass, it was a serious thing, but we had fun still (me and the other people who volunteered). After the run through, we had some really awesome cheese and potato soup that filled me up so good! Because I hadn't eaten all day, that soup tasted delicious. Afterwards I came back to my room and....can't remember what I internet mainly. Then my friend Vicki called me and she said she was bored as well and then our friend called her and said he was bored as well...So I concluded that tonite was a boring nite, just a nite that boredom was abounding. So she came over to my room and we watched a 13 going to 30. OH my gosh, I love that movie. It was soo cute and okay so it was a chick flick but you know I am a girl and yes I so wished I had the closet she had (it was huge and had the best shoe collection ever). I really needed to watch that movie again, because it just so uplifted my spirit after the longest week of my life. Let's just hope that motivation helps me get over my procrastination. Speaking of which...
Procrastinating on my portfolio...well thats going to stop I am going to work on it this weekend for sure!!! and thats why I feel like I so love my major. I love art! I love to draw and designing houses and such. Well I love it to death. This is like my passion, my purpose in life. I want to do so much. I want to help repair the slums of cities. Help the less fortunate who can't afford a good house. I love to help people and this is how I know I can, because this is what I feel God called me to do. I can feel it in myself, this great potential that God gave me! I just know it! I feel like everything I dream and hope for will come true, even about my love life. I just really have to work for it, and I am and will continue to do so to it. I just can't believe how truly blessed I am. I know I have said that before but God just never stops to amaze me! From what I used to be to where I am now. Sure I may not be miss super hot chick but I am not a stupid girl in the words of pink. I am the girl with ambition, determination, charisma, wisdom, intellegence (though not a genius but that doesn't matter), and genuine compassion for others. That is a lot that most people don't have. I mean how many people know for sure what career/major they want to pursue? How many people have as many good friends as me and as old as middle school all through high school and college? Including some of the best best friends that anyone could ever ask for. Just so blessed. This movie has cleared up a lot of things for me that I didn't realize I needed to think about. All in all, today was a pretty good day despite having a bad start (i.e. I overslept my alarm again and missed archery and tennis...uggh). I just have to keep praising my God. I still will continue to pray for some guidance and divine motivation to get my grades up and be more responsible and hopefully to get the job as a CAPS algebra tutor.
PS. I also have my dance mojo going and would really like to learn how to dance better. I have to prospective people in mind that I am thinking of asking to be my dance partners for the remainder. Both love to dance (i.e. are danceaholics), and so they dance well and very often. I just am not sure who is the better to ask. I shall leave God to give me the "divine push" to the guy I need to ask. Ohh, how I love to dance. I think next time I have spare time after class to dance, I will just dance by myself and ask Isaac to help me with something when I need it. Makes sense. Well I am still planning on going to Cornell for graduate school. I just know thats the place I want to go. It's my newest ambition or goal if you will. My present goal is to bring up my grades and get into the school of architecture. I will need all of your prayers for this. Prayer...yup thats the thing I need most right now.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Soo despite the fact that I have literally dug myself into a big hole which I will have extreme difficulty to get out, I am determined to keep on smiling. I have a good long enough paper/investigative report due tomorrow which I haven't started and I have to write an abstract with it too. Uggh. Then I have an astronomy test on thursday which is alright but still just another bummer. I have a test/quiz/paper assigned to me on Thursday as well which means...busy weekend if not week. Not to mention all these meetings I am having throughout the week. AYAYA. I want to hide myself from the world and completely give up on school. Time for me to start planning my days. I had a strange morning as well. I woke up on time to my cd, this morning but was so tired that I decided to stay in bed until an hour before. Fell asleep woke up a few minutes later and could have sworn my clock said I was late to my class by half an hour. Wake up again to my cell phone going off and see that I woke in time to get ready for class. The message left on my cell says "my eldest son is sick with a 104 temp fever and needs to be picked up" what?!?! I get to class to find out about our quiz being assigned only thinking that it had been already signed last thursday. Ehehe. I think I was also pointed out to be in class or something. Didn't understand what the TA told me. I didnt quite get the Rumba in dance class today but I guess I had fun. Skipped Astronomy because I was tired. I have been in a state of perpetual tiredness. I did get sleep last nite though perhaps I should have gotten more sleep. I want to go to swing dancing to nite but seems like I may not be able to afford too. I may also be soon to get brain cancer from talking on the cell phone with my best friend for hours almost every day. I had from noon till present to start my research work/paper but what did I do. I procrastinated. What else is new? However, as much as I want to despair and give up, I cannot and so I will be off to the library to get this gosh darn paper done. Uggh, I hate myself nonetheless now for this. I don't know if my sickness has caused me to get behind more or if it was just me. More than like just myself. Like I said...procrastination will be the death of me. I need to get my life together before it really does kill me. Which means, I must leave the blog. Byes.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

P.S. - Update:

My cell phone charger has finally arrived and now the cell phone drama ends. Sorry folks but thats life for you. Fair for me but not for you =P.
And the craziness continues...or is it nerdiness?

Soo despite having a crappy previous night, today turned out to be an excellent day. This morning I had my friend Laura wake me up in time to get ready for and make it to my archery class in the morning and what a surprise was waiting for me the moment I opened my window - it was snowing outside and the ground was white! Woot! Well archery class was really fun and interesting, I was already picturing myself as Kagome (heh). Afterwards I got breakfast and went back to my room where I started doing some job searching and came upon a good website for doing just that. I then had my tennis class (even though it was optional) and played tennis with my friend Megan while it started snowing again. That was quite lovely and fun to do. At first my hands were getting cold from the numb but after playing a while, they got warm and I was no longer cold. Two guys who also showed up and stayed were also wearing shorts - craziness. Afterwards I returned to my room where upon arriving at the dorms I ran into another friend, and struck up a good conversation with her. I then finished my Japanese hw that I had not done the previous night and for the remainder of my break I surfed the internet. Afterwards I went to English class where I discovered that I could use my next assignment to my advantage and apply it to one essay/article I have to write for this application for a job that really interests me. Then I went to Japanese were it was semi-fruitful experience/practice and was able to walk back into the building without my keys because I ran into another friend (kelly) while walking with my friend Phil. Well, I ended up chatting a good while with Kelly up until about dinner time at which i had a short interval with my RA /friend Julie. After dinner I returned to my room and had an average lounge period before heading downstairs for my Japanese study group and then back up to yet again Kelly's room for a hot chocolate party!Woot!

It is there and then that my craziness gets the best of me. While Kelly was studying for her Algebra test, I decided to quietly start planning my next semester and see which classes I wanted to take. I had wanted to take some interesting classes that friends, Alyssa and Clara, had been taking this semester but they didnt quite fit into neither my major nor minor so I thought why not switch my minor to foreign lang. and literatures but there was no such major or minor, instead I discovered the Comparitive Languages and Literature program which sounded just as interesting. The classes they offered were equally interesting as my minor. So I was at a standstill because now I had more than enough interesting classes I wanted to take that fell into three minors. Well I had already been set on my major, that for sure isn't going to change, but my first minor was also set -Asian Studies- I just thought I could still take my Japanese classes and recieve credit from them for a different major but apparently not. My other choice for minor was dance because I love to dance. So I obviously couldn't handle taking three minors because my schedule was pretty full as it is with my current major and minor. So after talking with my friend Rachel who is a dance major about what a dance major/minor would require, I resolved that that could wait until grad school. I could still take dance classes then and still have fun while focusing on my masters afterall. However, I think I am going to double minor in the asian studies and comparitive languages and literature because that is possible and I don't know where else they would offer those classes. So there ya go. I am not only still taking dance classes but now "paper-requiring" classes. Yes I know I am crazy and proud of it.

Now for the more normal part, I have been thinking about where I plan to go to for grad school. My choices so far are: University of Arizona, University of Virginia, and Cornell University (which if you have been reading my previous blogs you would know why). There maybe some other colleges but I think that three options are good for me. My last choice and fall back option of course would be here but I really don't plan to stay here for it just because I am a very "unstable element" and need to experience new things and love to travel. My next step now is to research and see if they have a dance program and if they don't well then I probably won't go there then. I know I am thinking way ahead. I still have to plan out my studying abroad but I am just a natural day dreamer.

I really think that I am going to accomplish all my goals and dreams in my lifetime because not only am I a driven, determined, and ambitious person, but I am also a very lucky and optomistic person and no matter how many obstacles I face, they won't get me down. I will overcome all of them and in the end have succeeded in the generic, spiritual, and humanistic definitions of success. I have full faith in my Lord that He will bless me so and that everything I plan to do will be done because He has not let me down. All my goals and ambitions may seem selfish but they also have their much more spiritual and humanistic aspects too. Like I have told my friends, there is more to me than even I know about myself. Sort of like Ford Prefect. How funny that my life seems to parallel him in some ways.

Monday, March 20, 2006

No wonder they say March Madness...

So I have now had this on-going drama with my cell phone for the past couple of days. First of all, I had left it at my friend's house when I spent the nite at her place last week. I couldn't reach her at home since my dad decided that we couldn't afford long distance phone calls. So I had to call my other friend and ask her to call my friend who had the phone. Well, since she was leaving the next day in the early early morning, her dad was going to drop it off at my house that day. However, he never did but instead dropped it off at my other friend's house (not the one I called to call my friend) and that friend was busy that day so I couldn't pick it up till saturday afternoon. So Sunday comes around and I am back in the dorms after talking to Aleisha about random stuff, it suddenly occurs to me that I left my cell phone charger at the house. Ahh. I called my parents and told them to send it to me overniter but when I called I had awoken them from sleep. Oops. Oy vey..what a crazy month march has been.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Soo...even though my spring break was off to a good start. This morning it started out not soo well. I had to deal with my dad waking me up asking me about the car keys even though I kept telling him they were in my purse, but my lazy father couldn't even do a simple task of looking through my purse for my keys. Seriously they weren't that hard to find for me. Then he proceeds to criticise me for not taking good care of my care because it has been out in the sun for most of the day today. Uggghh, when will he learn to stop criticizing others. I really can't get along with him because he doesn't know how to have a normal conversation. At least my mother knows better. We had a nice talk last nite. She however did inform me that another of great relatives, my Great Aunt Ophelia, has now been diagnosed with cancer. This really scares me because my great uncle Pedro recently had died of cancer and he was the person everyone thought was least likely to die first. Then it was my great aunt Lucilia who just died of old age. All of these news makes me sad because I had grown up with them and so I was so used to them being there but now they are gone. I really am not used change. Well, as soon as my best friend Maggie comes over ( we are having a sleep over this weekend) my day will get better. I just need to ignore my father and his dumb remarks he makes at me. He is just not right in the head me and my mom say. Well, that be it for me. Toodles.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Spring Break is here...
And I am so not ready for tomorrow when my dad comes. My bed is piled with clothes my floor littered with clothes not to mention a dead cockroach I just discovered today under my shelf. Can you say EEEEEWWWWW! What to do what to do. I am excited about going home for the break and seeing old friends but at the same time I am going to miss my friends here in the Burque even if it is just for one week. Not too mention my crush who I got to see today =P. It was so nice of him to sit on my lap, hehehe. Sooo much fun playing bowling, I got a few spares but wasn't able to get a strike, maybe next time. Pictures will be posted on facebook of the whole event. Saddly there was no picture of him sitting on my lap, drats. *sighs* Well I should start packing for tomorrow. Just want to give a shout out for all my fellow peeps in the Burque and tell you guys to have a fun break because I am going to miss you all! Love ya lots friends.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Spring is here and its quite infectious!

I feel soo happy today. I can't explain it but its really a great feeling. I don't know exactly what it is but I just feel like everything is great! Perhaps the season's really do have an affect on us. I mean besides for the obvious reasons but you know it seems that my moods have followed the seasons. In winter, I was really kind of dumpy, not sad just not quite cheerful. In fall, I was melodramatic. In summer, I was in good spirits because I was with old friends and at home. Now spring has been one of those times where I feel like I could just fly into the sky. I already have my happy thought. In fact I have more than one happy thought and I am a kid at heart...I refuse to grow up into persay a lawyer. Hec, my major is one that deals with drawing =P. Yep, I just need some fairy dust to fly.

Flying into the sky
One peers down
To see the colors of spring
The birds soar with you
As you pass cloud after cloud
And the world
Becomes a blurr
In the moment
Of true bliss
Where all anxieties
Are washed away
By the wind and the sun
And all there is
Is endless space
To fly in every direction
Endless opportunities
To do whatever
Your whim desires

Oh flying
In the sky
No wonder
Man invented
The airplane
And has been fascinated
With the universe
What wonderous
Must await us there!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Never honk at old ladies...

View this clip on Vimeo
Soo...All I have to say today is that my life is my own and I actually do control it. Fate and destiny may have a hand in it but I think that the way you view it and react to it and have your attitude about it, in the end, controls your life. If you choose to view your life negatively then you will make things turn out that way but if you view life as a positive thing, then positive things are sure to happen. Perhaps luck is just the fact that you view life absolutely positively. I never thought I had good luck until I started thinking positively and now I see I did have luck even when I thought I didn't. Even though I criticize society for being the way it is, I still do believe that we all have good in us and that even in the darkest of situation there is hope. Pandora's box if you will. However, hope can be good or bad but that depends on the way you percieve it to be. Perception. Perhaps reality is just all a perception. If you think about even though we live on the earth, we really don't experience the 3 dimensions equally because we can't go up or down that much. Sure we can fly and we go up and down stairs and elevators but we generally don't travel in that direction. So if we were in space, what would it feel like to go in either direction because we can in space. For all you trekkies, did the Voyager ever once travel up or down? To me, it seems to have travelled horizontally neh? Because the engines were faced the other way. Perception. We can't even see everything clearly. I mean think about it. Microscopes enlarge things but even planet earth is microscopic in comparison to the universe. So size is just a question of relevance. We have even yet come to discover the origins of matter. So what is to say that we know a lot. I claim that to know everything is to know nothing.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Long week...crazy mind.

Have you ever had a moment in which all these worries of the past, present,and future came to you at once? I just did. It was crazy and fortunately one of my best friends let me vent and rant continuously to her and let me tell you it was a very odd conversation..from starting with foreign exchange program to ending on abstinence and anywhere else in between. I don't know where my mind made connections to all the things we talked about but I got it off and in the end I got a good laugh when she did her Spanish cuzzing impersonation of her grandma! Ahh that was soo funny! The week is finally over. Next week is medterms ...bleeccchhh...and afterwards its Spring Break! I can't believe it's spring break already...boy does time go fast. Well, that means it's time for me to get cracking on my portfolio for the school of architecture application. Here's to me getting into the school. Good thing no midterms for my major! Just endless drawing and lectures on art! OH I love thee.

In other terms, I am soo angry at the fact that UNM doesn't have an adequate study abroad program. I was just like soo enfuriated by that to no degree of end. It has made me decide that perhaps I might transfer to a different university such as Cornell University. I am undecided on that just because if I did transfer. It would be in my senior year of college and I would go through a couple more years of college, but lucky for me I actually enjoy college and yah it would be great to be able to go to a topnotch school with an awesome foreign exchange consortium. We will see how things go. In the meantime, I need to learn to sit back and take things calmly. I have to trust that God will guide me in the right track. I really am happy to be single now because I have just now realized how having a significant other could sidetrack if not detour my ambitions to travel the world and possibly go to an awesome university for whatever level of education I am at...possibly earlier than Grad..we will see. Ahh, cupid, you won't be able to get me so easily now. My priorities are straight and thats to accomplish my ambitions and goals. I am determined to accomplish my ambitions. I just can't give them up so easily, they are my dreams and my dreams make me part of who I am.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Sleepless night and long days...
Do make me weary
And lost in time
All for my goals and dreams
That do test
My patience and determination
My strength and will power
Carried me through
In the end
Sleep does become me
As I am coveted to bed
Farewell world of arduous torture
Hello world of twists and turns
Of abstract and allusion
Fill my mind with wonderous dreams
As I embrace
That which restores me.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Two filled poetry journals..
They are not all about the same thing
As I thought they would be
I need to go over them again
They give me strength
Ehh...I am writing in poetry again
Oh well. =P

As I was writing, the poetry I have written surprises me. Don't you ever have those moments where you step back to examine your life and you are just amazed at how much you have changed and grown? Well I have those almost every time I pause to look at my life. I just can't thank God enough for saving my life, for showing me the world, for giving me the strength to live on and to be independent, the strength to believe in myself, despite the circumstances, and for reaching out to me when I reached out to Him. I can still remember the light that I saw when He saved me...even if it wasn't a specific moment in time in which I became a true believer but still the same when I think back to those hard times, I see the light that reached me in my darkness. I owe my life to Him and I can't give up because I won't let my mother's and Carmelita's sacrifices go to waste. I cannot give up against the current that takes everybody else so easily. I seek Wisdom and its knowledge, but at the same time, I am human, and so I must allow myself my moments of weakness for if I do not then I will have a break down. Here I should be writing my paper already but I have to do this to clear my mind. It is a sad and lonely blog that no one seems to make comments but I enjoy this ... for reasons that I cannot explain. What logic is it that compels us to post our thoughts to the mercy of the world? I guess I hope to spark a conversation with someone, even if my thoughts aren't as philosophic as Aristotle's but I like to enjoy my life thank you very much. I have already contemplated my existence and decided that reality is just perception. No, I will not elaborate on that. I will elaborate though on the fact that love is something that should be called a phenomenon because it cannot be explained by the laws of physics, Einstein will back me up on this too. I have thrown all caution to the wind and put away all reasons. The train's horn blows its last noise as I proclaim that I will not give up on my hope. I cling on to hope like lint clings to clothes. It is part of me this everlasting hope and optimism and I will not change that. Unfortunately that means that in order to move on, I must face brutal honesty and destruction. However, I have come to believe from personal experience that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The question is can you endure the trials, because I was only able to survive with God's help and perhaps because my will to live was made stronger also by Him. Soo this blog is basically about nothing. Sorry for the disappointment (not) =P.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Oh wretched Single's Awareness Day..

That dreadful holiday that was once good
But now is bad
Because of commercialization
How I loathe thee
Yet on this day
I reach a reprieve
I won't allow you
To ruin my day
I don't care
For those together
I only live my life
For my God
And myself
If it be His will
Then let it be so
Otherwise leave me
In peace.

Monday, January 23, 2006

When you feel like you can't go on and even the near future is blurry...

I have finally gotten settled into the new spring semester. It got off to a rocky start when I lost my parking permit and school ID with it. Thank God, I didn't lose my driver's license - that would have been a lot more of a hassle and drama than I need. Needless to say, I called my best friend that day and vented my heart out because gosh was it a lousy night even if the day was really good! Looks like if I can manage to not procrastinate this semester, then I should have a really good and somewhat easy semester. The temptation though is to procrastinate, I already have procrastinated all of last week thanks to that whole drama/hindrence. Surprisingly, reading my architecture book has been challenging and astronomy homework and reading has confused me. I will however get it done. Everything seems to be going well for me, I am enjoying being in the dorms and have yet to feel lonely, which leads me to belief that something is bound to happen that will send me for a ride. There already is one thing that is teetering but I think there is something else that will send me for a wild ride/shock. However, I feel like I am prepared for it. I just feel proud of myself for going as far as I have. I think I have reached a plateau of life though not the plateau of my life's journey; yet there is definitely a steep climb to reach the next plateau but I am up for the challenge. That steep climb is the theme of this semester for me.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Winter break is over...

and I feel glad to be returning to school. The fast pace and work are a welcome change and I plan on starting out my classes as well as the new year with positive attitude and more responsibility. I dislike the laziness that prevented me last year from getting an A in my honors class and that forced me to skip some of my favorite classes so that I catch up on my school work. I hate that I ended waking up late on mornings and debating in my mind if I should go to school - that's not me. It's not right to do that and I feel extremely guilty after I do do that. I dislike how easily I am persuaded by myself nonetheless to be extremely unresponsible and even I am my own worst critique. I am going to wake up now enjoying my life and hopeful. Even if my past experiences of waking up were horrible, I won't let the past be the predictor of my life. I am stronger than that and I refuse to let the world corrupt me. I know there are things in this world that are ugly and that corrupt people but it's like becoming corrupt and negative and selfish won't help to change the world a better place it will only add to the already negativity of it. I don't care step on me because of my niceness but I hate it when people say that my niceness is something fake or that it gets them angry because it's just like them to judge someone and add to it. I know I can't allow myself to be stepped on because it doesn't help but I won't add fire to fire. If I seem like a hypocrite because I laugh a lot and am happy most of the time, it's not because I am hiding my pain but that I am trying to be strong so that I won't get crushed under the current of negativity. I may be strong on the outside but even the strongest walls come down with time unless they are cared for. In most cases my mind and heart conflict but when it comes to perseverence, they agree that I cannot give up, that I must continue on despite the pain and torture and obstacles. I want to be able to prove to my God that I believe in Him always because I know He loves me so. I accept the past that was given to me and the pain and suffering that comes with it. Asked if I were to repeat it, I would say yes because had it not been for that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. Even so though, my strength is not as stable as can be because I am still a human being.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Time is a mystery to me...

How is it that time can go by so quickly and at the same time it goes by slowly. I am just amazed that winter break is almost over. I am happy to be going back to school and see all my friends from school again but then I am starting to feel sad that I have to leave home again. I still havent spent time with my friends from middle school. Well, I still have one week left of vacation because my father is going out of town and I can't leave until he comes back since he is driving us back to Abq.
This break so many changes have taken place and even though I am fine with them, its just that it all happened so suddenly that I am left to wonder about time itself. For instance, we think we have forever to live but in reality it really isn't that long. So is time something that depends on perception or I don't know. I am confused on this. Well, I guess we can only go with the flow of time and trust God to guide us to where we should be.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Gilmore girl marathon makes me feel smarter!

Soo I recently went to best buy and bought the fourth season of Gilmore Girls (I love that show) because they were on sale for half their original price. If I had more money I would have bought all five seasons but alass I spent all my money on presents. Anyhow watching it made me feel smarter and glad to be in college. It also made me anxious for the far future which is to be a mother. I think I will be a good mother when I am ready for that even if I have a career. We will so how that works out.
Soo things are coming along smoothly now, nothing new has happened. My brother leaves to Houston this friday sadly. I will miss him. It turns out that I will be able to take my honors class and possibly even go on the Thailand mission trip with Analisa and Carrie this summer. Wow things are so crazy now. I wonder what this new year will bring me. I trust in God almost completely because I am just hardly ever in the present. I am always in my own world thinking of things all the time. So every decision I make is never really well thought out or planned out.

It's strange how many people wear masks. We all walk around pretending we are happy and that everything is working out in public but in private it's a different story. Even stranger to think that every home is different and every family has a different story and furthermore every person has different experiences. So it really is possible to think that this world we live on could just be a giant computer built to answer the question of life.

I really think that I am following my path but today when my mom and I stopped by a Quiznos to eat dinner, we ran into an old classmate from high school. She remembered me pretty well and for the life of me I couldnt recognize her. She was two classes above me and so I was like well I dont think I got to know older classmates. Then after thinking about it I was like wait, I do remember I had P.E. class with some seniors in my sophomore year of high school and took pictures with them and thats when I remembered her. It was strange that I had forgotten about that year and that P.E. class and it made me feel glad that she remembered me, but that just shows how much I am not in the present and it makes me feel sad that I could forget that. So I hope to be able to be more in the present but for some reason my mind wanders off. Odd, that. Well I can't really do that much about that but I will try and be happy about each and every day of my life. I mean I should be happy to be alive but I guess I still retain some of my old attitude. I will work on that this year. I wonder what it means exactly to be happy to be alive because I really thought I was happy but now I see that perhaps I am not because I don't appreciate every day of my life fully. However, the question is when you are happy to be alive how do you act? I think I am but that I just dislike the society and culture that we live in. I mean if you ever look at people, they seem to be numb and always in a hurry. They never fully enjoy their life it seems. Then they patronize kids and have very little spirit. Its just all so monotone and dull and I am a colorful person with lots of spirit. I believe that we should listen to kids because they can see more than we can (and I am speaking both figurativelyand in some cases literally). I mean shouldn't we be more open minded, isnt that the way to gain peace. So why are more adults becoming close minded and...dull instead of more happy? I just see the world in a sense degenerating but at the same time also regenerating. I know its wierd, I can't explain it. Perhaps its just another aspect of the balance we live in.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

A New Year and New Beginnings

Yay, this new year's eve I got to spend it with my best friend out in the open space of her home in the suburbs. It was really great and I got to play with her 4 dogs and 3 cats! That was soo much fun. It was really nice spending time with her and having fun. Even though she didn't enjoy my game of "continue the story" lol. I had some really good food and ate pretty well...first time I had more than one meal (eheheh) and I actually felt very rested: Falling asleep to the music and talking with my friend. Yah it was really restful. It took my mind off of my family issues and I felt very accepted and comfortable there (where as now at home, I feel like the oddball). It was great. Coincidently my first dream of the new year involved a certain someone I know in a peculiar state of mind to say the least.

So my new year's resolution:
1)To be uber confident of myself so that I won't easily get influenced by media and by the opinions of others but myself
2)To get my studies in order so that I can graduate up to atleast As
3)To enjoy my college years and days of youth to the max capacity

I know they are vague and such but really I don't know what else to ask for *cough cough* but I think that really I have already a lot. I just need to work on my study habits.

On a sidenote: While driving/riding back home on the freeway. There was this group of motorcyclists riding too. They looked so hot!!! My dad asked if I would ride one of those and I said ya because thats soo hot! They were the sleek kawazaki and such type motorcycles that I like and with the helmets...they looked soo freakin cool! They passed us but when we got off the freeway they were at the gas station at the corner we turned. I was secretly wishhing I could ride one of those babies!