Thursday, January 31, 2008

So it was my birthday yesterday but when I woke up that morning, I had completely forgot that. I had slept through my alarms and had it not been for my best friend sending me a super early text saying Happy Birthday I would have gone through the day like any other at least until I wrote the date. Anyhow, the day was good, I got to talk to my friend Jessie and spend lunch with her. I always enjoy our talks! Then I went to my honors class where I definitely felt smart, where I was definitely contributing to the class and making valid points and took 3 pages worth of good notes! All the time, I was receiving warm birthday greetings from friends. That's one thing I am definitely thankful for! So then I get out of class and head to hair consultation at Aveda and it was fun I got told I could in fact have my hair treated so that it would be evened out with cutting my hair too much and scheduled that and then got food at Arby's and ran back to lead my first bible study. I got there late but I had no idea because all this time I had left my cell in my room. It was a small group of people there but it was alright. It definitely felt different being a leader this time than a participant. I wanted to share things about the passage but I couldn't and since I had already manuscript ed, i ended up washing others manuscript wishing I could point out things to them too. All in all, it wasn't too bad but definitely a new experience. Our club meeting afterwards was good and I got a lot of warm birthday wishes once again and even got sung Happy Birthday from everyone which was classic.

The trouble started at the end but it was only then that I allowed myself to put my guard down and be real. For sometime, it seems the only thing I wanted for my birthday was a boyfriend or at least a courtship - someone whom I could develop a special friendship where we support each other and help each other grow and who I could count on when I was lonely. I thought I had found someone close to that at LaFe but then later on I found he had fallen for someone else. Heh, fallen - I wonder where that metaphor came from: falling in love. Anyhow even though I know things wouldn't have worked out at least not smoothly and with plenty of give and take; I still couldn't completely shake off my feelings for him. So after talking with another friend who had come with me to LaFe as well and had seen the two of us interacting about what had occurred, she confirmed and confided that she too had thought that he had shown interest in me as well and even initiated a pursuance if you will. I confided in her that I wish and would like to smack the senses into that guy for giving me false hope. For initiating something and not firmly closing it softly. I feel deeply wronged even though I know it isn't completely his fault. Maybe it was the other girl's fault for leading him on because she apparently is not ready to be in a relationship with him but they are still friends. Oh, it just is soo not fair that she should have stolen him from me. Now, all I want to do is cry because there was nothing else I really wanted for my birthday. I have been bright and cheerful and for my birthday I will allow myself the freedom to be real and to accept my hurt and my pain. I won't push it away. I will just accept it and pray for some healing.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Don't take for granted the life you have lived, live and will live....appreciate it!

So I was supposed to be in Albuquerque this week but plans changed and today I was supposed to hang out with another friend but I ended up staying with my bff for the rest of the day...partly due to laziness. Plans change all the time and that's why I never make plans for sure because God likes to change my plans all the time...he did for my post high school life. So I am just winging it.

I know I am not the most wisest person, I for sure have friends that are smarter and wiser than me but hey I think I have handled my life pretty well. I mean I have been through a lot both academically and personally. I don't know if most people would be okay after going through the bs I did especially since it wasn't just at school but at home. I can explain it in no other way than God having a plan for me. He was the one who pulled me out of the black hole I was living in. I really am an optomistic person and sometimes I think it annoys people...but I do have my days where I let myself be pessimistic. I mean, I am human afterall and I need to vent and cry and just do nothing but only for that day and then the next day I get up and work hard.

Oh, all last November was hard academically but being a nerd, it was the hardest thing to realize how much I was suffering gradewise and see how much I had degraded from high school...aka be a much worse slacker/student than I was then. Then my insomnia hit me and it sucked because the one sure way to relieve stress that I had was taken away. Luckily I had my bff on the phone and she helped me out by listening to my complains and b*tching and crying and eventually I got some sleep though really at an inconvenient time. She heard me argue with God about everything that month had put me through. Now even after the break my sleeping habits are still messed up but it really is because of some unforeknown reasons that I think might help if I go to therapy/counseling will help me.

Before I was so against counseling but after being told by three different people who I know all meant the best for me that I should go to counseling, well obviously God was speaking to me and no one should ignore God when he repeats himself three times. So my first session went well; I somehow ended up breaking down. I guess I had had a lot on my mind that I needed to get out and needed to cry. Wow I cried deeply, that is something in itself. So there you have it, counseling/therapy worked for me. I guess sometimes we all need someone who will listen to us, understand us, and help us understand ourselves and help ourselves and is not biased. Yah life is rough, but I wouldn't change anything about my past as much as it was made me who I was and if God trusted me with this life then I won't waste it but appreciate it.

I like what Ellen DeGeneris had to say about one of her days. She was talking about how one morning her coffee grinder broke and spilled coffee grounds but before she could lose her temper she saw a hummingbird hovering in front of her window and the beauty of the bird was so amazing that for the rest of the day she was happy. It made her day because all day she just remembered the bird and stopped to appreciate it and the moment. We should all learn from her and learn to stop and appreciate those moments in our life even if everything around us is crazy and hectic. I mean if that's how douglas adams says we learn to fly then why not. I love Ellen she is my role model. Perhaps I will write to her one of these days and maybe she will give me a call. That would be freaking awesome! In the meantime, I will just enjoy her talk show and blog on her website called A Thought...And I Do Have A Thought or something like that and I would encourage others to read it as well because she is so funny and yet real in her blog.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Dating and marriage and living fully...
Perhaps Frank Sinatra was onto something when he wrote his immortalized song Love and Marriage. Yes,it is something that we all think about whether we are for or against getting married but it is still on our minds. I tend to think more on the earlier parts of life like dating. I have a negative view of dating mainly because I think it is a waste of time to date for fun. If I am going to date it is because I am looking for that lifelong partner who I can grow and learn from and hopefully vice versa. Now, I am not a full blown feminist who thinks that she can live alone but I am also not going to be totally dependent on my partner. I was raised to be independent and to live out my life fully. Both my mother and grandmother were woman who loved to travel and did manage to do so and also both married late in life. I plan to marry late only because I have dreams that may not coincide with marriage early in life, for instance, I am a nerd and would like to enjoy my college life as much as possible and thus I will be in school for sometime due to some unexpected delays in my journey and also because I want to study abroad and travel as much as I possibly can before I settle - wanderlust if you may. If someone is willing to accommodate these two strings to the deal, then I would gladly trade my singleness for the complementariness of a couple. Life is short but the key to living happily is taking full advantage of what it has to offer and taking risks. Death is not our enemy but our friend when you don't fear him. Life is tiring and often we must be broken down and repaired many times before we can shine like a diamond. In fact, diamonds are so beautiful because they also have been compounded and compressed for long periods of time. Nature seems to mirror life almost as if God knew He would need to constantly remind us that we must be willing to suffer the same to shine brilliantly. I have come to an understanding that I cannot give up my life but must fully live it out because it is unfair to those who wish they could live longer. I live for myself and because there is a person who I owe my life to and a person who I couldn't do wrong by not living fully. Life is hard but life doesn't have to be that difficult; luck is only the perspective you have. I have found luck when I focus on the positive and keep looking and moving forward. Yet I also know that we do need to vent and cry out once in a while but the key is not to get absorbed in the negative but just give it its proper time and place and then move on. My life is all about truly learning to live.