Thursday, January 31, 2008

So it was my birthday yesterday but when I woke up that morning, I had completely forgot that. I had slept through my alarms and had it not been for my best friend sending me a super early text saying Happy Birthday I would have gone through the day like any other at least until I wrote the date. Anyhow, the day was good, I got to talk to my friend Jessie and spend lunch with her. I always enjoy our talks! Then I went to my honors class where I definitely felt smart, where I was definitely contributing to the class and making valid points and took 3 pages worth of good notes! All the time, I was receiving warm birthday greetings from friends. That's one thing I am definitely thankful for! So then I get out of class and head to hair consultation at Aveda and it was fun I got told I could in fact have my hair treated so that it would be evened out with cutting my hair too much and scheduled that and then got food at Arby's and ran back to lead my first bible study. I got there late but I had no idea because all this time I had left my cell in my room. It was a small group of people there but it was alright. It definitely felt different being a leader this time than a participant. I wanted to share things about the passage but I couldn't and since I had already manuscript ed, i ended up washing others manuscript wishing I could point out things to them too. All in all, it wasn't too bad but definitely a new experience. Our club meeting afterwards was good and I got a lot of warm birthday wishes once again and even got sung Happy Birthday from everyone which was classic.

The trouble started at the end but it was only then that I allowed myself to put my guard down and be real. For sometime, it seems the only thing I wanted for my birthday was a boyfriend or at least a courtship - someone whom I could develop a special friendship where we support each other and help each other grow and who I could count on when I was lonely. I thought I had found someone close to that at LaFe but then later on I found he had fallen for someone else. Heh, fallen - I wonder where that metaphor came from: falling in love. Anyhow even though I know things wouldn't have worked out at least not smoothly and with plenty of give and take; I still couldn't completely shake off my feelings for him. So after talking with another friend who had come with me to LaFe as well and had seen the two of us interacting about what had occurred, she confirmed and confided that she too had thought that he had shown interest in me as well and even initiated a pursuance if you will. I confided in her that I wish and would like to smack the senses into that guy for giving me false hope. For initiating something and not firmly closing it softly. I feel deeply wronged even though I know it isn't completely his fault. Maybe it was the other girl's fault for leading him on because she apparently is not ready to be in a relationship with him but they are still friends. Oh, it just is soo not fair that she should have stolen him from me. Now, all I want to do is cry because there was nothing else I really wanted for my birthday. I have been bright and cheerful and for my birthday I will allow myself the freedom to be real and to accept my hurt and my pain. I won't push it away. I will just accept it and pray for some healing.

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