Sunday, November 22, 2009

For my friend who I love and would want nothing more than for her to reach her dreams. Wherever you may be, may God's love abide in your heart and warm your soul.

Emotions mixing.
Cold setting in.
Pain receding.
Truth emerging.

Friends laughing and eating
All merry and jolly
Good food, good times
Yet one empty seat remains.

Oh that I could fill it
With everything that is good
So that even the bad
Would be overwhelmed
And least affected
Would you be.

My wishes go out to you
This most jolly night
The tears and blood shed
If only they were yours
Not mine
And your pain were gone.

My pain is nothing
If only you would be healed
Praying for you ceaselessly
Believing endlessly

Pain and laughter mixing
God watches over us all
Giving us rest and nourishment
Hope in times of chaos
Love when most needed
Encouragement for all

If I could just
Show you how great is His love
That your pain would recede
The fire restarted
And joy overwhelming
A holy day it would be indeed!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

How do you know when you are ready for a relationship? It isn't about being passionate about someone. Emotions are things that cannot be controlled but we can choose how we react to them.

Somehow I thought I was over my heartbreak from last spring but almost all October I was sick with a cold and possibly pneumonia. During the time I spent home in bed recovering, I started becoming depressed and one of the depressing memories I had was about my heartbreak in spring. It wasn't just that I had fallen for him and he had rejected me but it was three shots to my heart. The first was the obvious rejection which if it had simply been that I would have been okay but then I realized later that I was rejected for someone 8 years my younger, someone still in high school. I had remembered reading "high school" but since I was already suffering from the first shock, my mind blocked it. The third and hardest of all for me to take was the avoidance that followed that week. I felt as if my friendship was worth nothing to him, that I had just been plan B, I still don't understand why he couldn't just tell me straight up. The general opinion and view is that it was plain immaturity (i.e. stupidity in my mind).
The funny thing is that my emotions aren't helping me deal with it. Having a heartbreak hasn't stopped me from developing feelings for someone else. Fortunately right now my reason is stronger and I know that I can't really be in a relationship until I am completely healed. While I maybe past the pain, I definitely don't feel like my old self. If you take the analogy that my heart is a glass object, right now I feel put back together but not as strong - still quite fragile. So lately, knowing the only way I can heal is through God, I have been just thirsting for God's presence and love in my life. I just feel like I haven't had enough of it lately. I get thirsty but when I drink water, I realize my thirst isn't thirst for water but for spiritual refreshment.
I think my main problem is that I want to fastforward the healing process but God doesn't work that way and neither does my heart. I think before I can be in a relationship I have to restore myself, make sure I am happy where I am at and part of that includes reaching the goals I set when I came to college -study abroad, architecture- until I am confident in myself again and not unhappy, I shouldn't and won't date.