Monday, September 27, 2010

Wake me up when September ends...

This September has been a hard month to get through and through it I managed to survive despite various things that threatened to rain misery on me. I didn't, however, not escape from some days of misery.

To start it off, I ended up mis-budgeting my money once again but do to a haircut and treatment, I was already close to finishing up my budget at the start of the month. Two weeks later and I had maxed out my credit card. Fortunately my parents are generous and have some money alloted for food in my rent budget that I could fall back on. So I lasted another week with money for food. Eating out is definitely expensive but it has been hard to try and find time to make my own lunch to school and even then some days I don't get back till late at night so I may as well make dinner too. I haven't been able to go to either the farmers' markets or the groceries. So it has been a month of seeing what I had and what I can make. Well as if that weren't already hard, my microwave broke down mid-month and so now we can't reheat food without having to wait at least 30 min in the oven and using glass oven-ware - it sounds easy but then it means extra dishes to wash and I already was nagged about putting glass in the sink (that I was soaking) once. So it has been by the grace of God that I have been able to eat food via friends' generosities and that of finding free food. I have been humbled and am not too picky about my food. Some days I eat straight up tuna sandwiches that the same roommate that nagged me about the glass in the sink has looked at me in disdain and grotesqueness about but hey I am hungry and poor and it tastes good enough for me.

So as if being hungry and nearly broke for the month weren't enough. I have had a streak of bad luck in parking. I suppose this could have been avoided had I been able to wake up early and just go biking down to campus but when some nights you get back at 11 and you still have some HW to do, its not always possible to go to sleep early to wake up early. I am especially sleepiest in the mornings. Yet I was running late one time and decided to park at McDonald's for the morning and ended up getting fined 60 dollars. I also had my car broken into one evening when parked behind Frontier. The second time I got fined for parking at Frontier for the first time ever. Yup so whatever few dollars I was trying to save have been spent on parking.

Whatever pride was left before has been completely taken away. I have been resorted to being a poor college student except for nice housing. I have been humbled and blessed at the same time. I survived it and I feel a bit wiser now as to managing my expenses. I am truly trying to cut down on my expenses. I may end up getting a job at Talin to start getting some income. Speaking of jobs, I didn't get the previous job I had applied for on campus. So that was also another loss this month. As you can see, a lot happened in September and there were days where I was really upset and was just needed to get some quiet time/space but having roommates didn't really help sometimes. Other times they did but it is just hard to compromise sometimes and deal with others. I don't like talking about my miseries because I don't want pity and I don't want to attract attention. Sometimes all I want is some peace of mind and rest of body or TLC. I will sulk, be anti-social the days that I am just having life come at me and wish that I could come home to that peace and quiet without having to deal with nagging of any kind and even sometimes noise. I am one who loves silence contrary the general public that needs constant noise. It was one of the things I came to enjoy about living in my own apartment.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Prelude to a Beginning and End

The end of summer has finally come and while I don't know how ready I am for school semester to start, I also feel that I am excited it for it once again. I have already succeeded in summer school, I worked my hardest and enjoyed the class and did as well as I can manage. So now I have to repeat that whole process. This summer was also one of the best summers I have had and I am not sure where in lies the reason for that. One reason I guess is that I managed to spend some good quality time with my family in Northern New Mexico without much arguing and this week will continue to do so as I head to Austin to see my brother. In some ways, it seems God has been answering my prayers or maybe I have been answering my own prayers. It hasn't been easy and there were days I just wanted to quit and days were my faith was so much at question but fortunately I wasn't alone in these faith struggles, I had C.S.Lewis to help me through it and God certainly was there too.
This summer was also filled with quite a bit of weddings, four to be exact and one more still to come and two next summer already in the works. At the end of the summer, there were some hookups as well. I was not immune to the workings to Cupid but I am a stubborn woman and well I have finally come to enjoy my single-hood and wasn't about to give it up so easily and especially not so quickly. I have enjoyed hanging out with my friends this summer with no worries about having to tell someone about it. I have been more social than I ever was and well I am grateful for it after last year's desert of solitude. I feel some of the best friendships have been established and I am ever so thankful for them. This summer has been proof that God is listening to my prayers. While not all my prayers have been answered, I have faith they will be in due and proper time.
So I should be packing for Austin, I nearly didn't go but I have a strong feeling that I need to be with them. I have especially missed my older brother and he will soon be married so it will be good to spend more time with my soon-to-be-sister-in-law as well. While my family isn't perfect and pretty dis-functional at times, still it is all I have and I couldn't wish for another family. They are my own blood after all and I know I haven't been perfect either but their love is still strong for me and I find that to be sufficient for me. It is in loving one another and accepting our mistakes that we are made perfect in love. So I am willing to submit my ego in exchange for that love because without that love I would be miserable.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

So one thing I struggle with and even though I know it is all lies from within and without the scar is still there, the damage is done. I cannot look in the mirror without realizing how tainted my vision has become. I do not see myself for me but I see what the world has taught me to believe. I see unbalance, I see tiredness, I see a person that is not perfect. No matter that all my friends think I am hot and beautiful. Those words while uplifting do not stick to me. I simply cannot see it.

Oh I know there is no such thing as perfect. I think in these college years, I have learned the best way to look good is to not be self-conscious but be completely oblivious to your appearance and just enjoy yourself in any state. Nobody likes hearing about how you are not happy with certain areas - we all are that way. Even super models struggle with it themselves. Who doesn't? I guess some hide this fact better than others. I just don't want to look at myself some days. I am not the best makeup artist. Everyone, however, enjoys laughing about your embarrassing moments and let's face it humor is dang sexy! So I know I can't see myself perfectly even if I tried, we all have tainted eyes - that is what sin is, but if we let our friends speak for us then they are better judges than ourselves. They see us for who we really are and can tell when we aren't being true to ourselves. I make do with what I have but the fact is that I was broken long ago. The time when I should have been strengthened was the time I was beaten down and implied my lowliness and uselessness. They may deny such things but the evidence speaks for itself. Do you think I would purposely alter my past to such extent? If I could I would certainly not have it be so but it is as such and I can only accept it and try to learn from it rather than repress it and let it control me.

However much my past makes me, I know I can choose not to let it control my future. I have been told I am borderline depressed. Borderline because I know that I am not always the most "happiest" person - especially currently with my struggling grades but I also know that if I stop working for my goals and if I give up then thats when I really lose. I also know that I have a lot more strength than most because I can fight these feelings of despair. I know I have to stay positive and after all I have been through most people see me as quite a cheerful person. This is something that I work hard everyday at being. Not that it's fake but in just being positive. There are days where I am struggling the most - the days that I need to be left alone and just be and do nothing except meditate on being outside myself. I get so overwhelmed, otherwise, that my head feels like it will explode. I think I have had too many demands placed on me from others and not enough time to just be myself. Anyhow I don't stay depressed much. I let it sink in for a day and the next day I resolve to continue striving to improve myself the next day and work towards my goal. In the end, thats all that really matters is not giving up. However, it does help if people stop expecting us to fail and do start helping us to succeed as well as stop pointing our mistakes but instead point out where we have succeeded. There is nothing worse than people who expect you to fail or who don't push you. It is a fine line though between too much and too little. Somehow God hits the spot just right. He always pushes me even though I don't think I can, He says I can and even grants me His strength to keep going. When I feel overwhelmed some days, God helps me to ground myself and see the forest for the trees and other epiphanies to get through the days. It is God who helped me out of my black hole and gave me my worth and therefore I will always belong to Him. I live my life for Him. He is my one and only Valentine and the only one who has been there for me even when I didn't believe in Him and who knows me better than me. He loves me even when I fail and never holds it against me but always believes in me.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

So lately I find myself wishing more and more to be as seperate from my family as possible. I cannot take my parents anymore either one. They both are refusing to let me go and be my own and as a result I am wanting to shock them into it. How should I shock them you ask?
I think a bit of rebellious liberalness and such is under order. Images of vaudeville circuses and venetian carnivales come to mind and my imagination flourishes with such unusual appearances with their audacity and obnoxiousness as well as superfluousness.
In my love of art and life, I appreciate all things even if they may strike the conservative as repulsive and offensive but if they be so, the more I like it. Though there is a limit to just how much of it is; but for me, it is all about being unique and nonconformist and rebelling against society and the rules and regulations imposed within it.
I think God created a world where we were not to fall under legalistic conformity but to celebrate differences and uniqueness, to laugh and cry all at the same time, but we are so stubborn to change and to things that are comfortable, that to see the unusual causes us to be defensive and to close ourselves to true freedom.

How should I show my mother that she cannot keep seeing me as an innocent person who is easily stepped on but by being as contrary to her wishes. To go the extreme may seem well extreme but when a person is set in their mind even the obvious may not be obvious and you have to be blatantly obnoxious to snap them out. I love her but she is so closed minded and I refuse to follow her judgmental personality and be open to change and the unexpected. Perhaps its not me but it may also be that I just need to step out of my own comfort zone and be free of the fear of judgement and say the heck with it, I will be who I am and I don't care what you think.