So one thing I struggle with and even though I know it is all lies from within and without the scar is still there, the damage is done. I cannot look in the mirror without realizing how tainted my vision has become. I do not see myself for me but I see what the world has taught me to believe. I see unbalance, I see tiredness, I see a person that is not perfect. No matter that all my friends think I am hot and beautiful. Those words while uplifting do not stick to me. I simply cannot see it.
Oh I know there is no such thing as perfect. I think in these college years, I have learned the best way to look good is to not be self-conscious but be completely oblivious to your appearance and just enjoy yourself in any state. Nobody likes hearing about how you are not happy with certain areas - we all are that way. Even super models struggle with it themselves. Who doesn't? I guess some hide this fact better than others. I just don't want to look at myself some days. I am not the best makeup artist. Everyone, however, enjoys laughing about your embarrassing moments and let's face it humor is dang sexy! So I know I can't see myself perfectly even if I tried, we all have tainted eyes - that is what sin is, but if we let our friends speak for us then they are better judges than ourselves. They see us for who we really are and can tell when we aren't being true to ourselves. I make do with what I have but the fact is that I was broken long ago. The time when I should have been strengthened was the time I was beaten down and implied my lowliness and uselessness. They may deny such things but the evidence speaks for itself. Do you think I would purposely alter my past to such extent? If I could I would certainly not have it be so but it is as such and I can only accept it and try to learn from it rather than repress it and let it control me.
However much my past makes me, I know I can choose not to let it control my future. I have been told I am borderline depressed. Borderline because I know that I am not always the most "happiest" person - especially currently with my struggling grades but I also know that if I stop working for my goals and if I give up then thats when I really lose. I also know that I have a lot more strength than most because I can fight these feelings of despair. I know I have to stay positive and after all I have been through most people see me as quite a cheerful person. This is something that I work hard everyday at being. Not that it's fake but in just being positive. There are days where I am struggling the most - the days that I need to be left alone and just be and do nothing except meditate on being outside myself. I get so overwhelmed, otherwise, that my head feels like it will explode. I think I have had too many demands placed on me from others and not enough time to just be myself. Anyhow I don't stay depressed much. I let it sink in for a day and the next day I resolve to continue striving to improve myself the next day and work towards my goal. In the end, thats all that really matters is not giving up. However, it does help if people stop expecting us to fail and do start helping us to succeed as well as stop pointing our mistakes but instead point out where we have succeeded. There is nothing worse than people who expect you to fail or who don't push you. It is a fine line though between too much and too little. Somehow God hits the spot just right. He always pushes me even though I don't think I can, He says I can and even grants me His strength to keep going. When I feel overwhelmed some days, God helps me to ground myself and see the forest for the trees and other epiphanies to get through the days. It is God who helped me out of my black hole and gave me my worth and therefore I will always belong to Him. I live my life for Him. He is my one and only Valentine and the only one who has been there for me even when I didn't believe in Him and who knows me better than me. He loves me even when I fail and never holds it against me but always believes in me.