Friday, August 24, 2007

So the first week of classes has come and gone and lots of interestingly small things have happened since then. I managed to get most of the classes I wanted but I did have to put aside another class for an honors class I really wanted to take. However, it was for the better because now I don't have to carry my art supplies on the bus but I probably will have to do that next semester unless I buy an expensive parking permit. Yesterday, while at our annual ice cream social, I had played a good round of volleyball and was just starting to get better at it when it started raining and soon I found myself completely soaked and nearly blinded by the heavy downpour. I had to take my glasses off and couldn't clean them until I reached my car which was sometime after I started walking to my friend's car who offered to give me a ride. Well, I hope never to get caught in such heavy rain again. Some other things, I have ran into old friends I hadn't seen in a while and one whom I didn't expect to see at all. I have dealt with some roommate/apt. issues already and done my best to be the best roommate possible i.e. create no conflicts. There are still somethings I wish I had and were better but I am dealing with them.

Monday, August 13, 2007

So it started out great, great connection, great fun and he comes back from a month of being out of phone reach and he sounds so excited to hear from me. Now he won't even text me back or call me back and I am not sure if its just because I said I really liked him ( I am too deathly afraid of even saying the other more powerful version of it) or if it really is just him. I already gave him a week of no incessant texting or calling and he finally calls to say that he can't stay awake as he is driving to Florida for a funeral.
Somehow I feel that maybe God does not want this to happen because he hasn't been all that great of influence though he hasn't been completely bad. Yet as I type, it doesn't make sense that God would do that. However, now I know how Peter felt when he said he never would and then God caught him all three times denying him. I didn't think I wanted to be lukewarm, I thought I wanted to be red hot for God but now I see that I am quite comfortable being average. I have gotten way too used to the ways of the world. I am such a shopaholic that I can't even manage my own finances. I feel extremely guilty of not wanting to fully abandon myself to God. It is true that God wants all or nothing and it is so in a relationship. C.S. Lewis said you can't separate one part from the whole mechanism of a relationship and that is what we do when we have sex and when we marry because we are in love. It should be the other way, we should get married because we want to help each other grow more Godly. Likewise, sex should make us want to stay with each other and not be just a thing to keep our "selves" satisfied. After all, being in love doesn't may love each other but you don't have to always like each other every day. We are human after all and that makes anything but perfect so how can you have expect to have a perfect relationship if both are less than perfect. We in this reality are what in math terms call infinities....getting very closes to perfection (0) but never really quite touching it, always plateauing right as we are about to reach it. No, only through God can we ever really hope to achieve perfection and only through God aka Jesus is it that we can truly be cleansed of all our sins. Neither the future, present, nor past has or ever will achieve that perfection. God knew this all along from the start but He loved us so much that He did the only thing He could, give us hope in Jesus and hope that turns to faith and faith that saves but it is only if we truly believe in His love for us and understand that it was Him in the only way we could understand Him. It was His ultimate description and example of His love for us. These things have recently been revealed to me from my pain and hardships of enduring the waiting period for that someone to help me stay strong in this journey to perfection.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

So here I am wondering once again, why did I allow myself the misery of falling for someone; this time some one far away. Yet I know that I cannot keep my heart locked away because then it will become stone, but perhaps suffering isn't as bad as it is painted by people. I once heard someone say that sadness is just a deeper form of happiness, and it doesn't seem far off. It is almost the same as the old saying, "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." I mean if money, wealth, fame are all meaningless to God then what is meaningful. So far I figure only experiences and people and memories but as for specifics, I have yet to figure out what. I have a feeling that suffering might as well be on the meaningful list. So I choose to suffer and so far have only suffered minor injuries on the road to love.
Though this be the second time, I have fallen for someone living quite a distance away. Even though I have yet to be in a serious relationship, I have never had my heart fully broken - only cracked - because it seems that all the people I ever like are always perfectly happy to have me as a friend and let me call them. I could always call them but they never would call me of their own free will, yet I was content for the matter being. So here at my fourth try, I have been called for the first time and have gotten pretty far except I haven't met him. All seems well on the outside but I wonder on the inside if it is. I feel it is myself that is making more of an effort to be the better person while he is content to be average. I thought we might be able to meet before summer's end but now he is telling me no and he is saying he is going to move even farther than before. Once again I feel myself at that crossroad where we split ways but keep in touch -deja vu perhaps-but then I wonder perhaps it is better this way. After all God has a plan for me and since he can see more than I can and is omnipotent and omnipresent , perhaps I should just trust Him. I won't worry but I will just trust Him.
I have given up trying to analyze the opposite sex's mind because in all my experiences doing that it only causes more trouble than help. I have instead taken up the neutral position of letting time follow its course so that whatever will happen happen. I do wish for love but I won't kill myself over it. If an opportunity arises, I shall cease it. Otherwise I am content to live with my friends and my life. It is in no way perfect but neither is it complete. Therefore I am working on it as you work on something. I have given up trying to belong in this world, the truth is I don't-for as a Christian, I belong to God and in His world not this present world that is not yet complete but has fallen as we all have. I don't try to be something I am not, rather I just am. I don't plan either because all my best plans God has thwarted and redirected, so I am just going with God's flow now. Que sera, sera.

Friday, August 03, 2007

As long as I have lived
There has been a whisper

And I believed
Be confident
And slowly came confidence
Take risks
And so I took a risk

I let myself
Be completely vulnerable
Be who I was
Be human
Be open to possibilities
Be ready
To seize the opportunity

By chance
We met one day
And talked of everything and nothing
Relevant and not relevant
Until an affinity was born

His voice traveled miles
His words crossed dimensions
So powerful were they
They became a dream
Where words they were no more
But now became
The source

And when I wake
I wish my dream
Was not a dream
And he were with me
And not so far away

Though the path is long
And uncertain
I cannot help
But listen to the whisper
That became words
That became my dream.