Friday, May 16, 2008

I don't know...

Today I got done with all my finals. I don't feel relieved but at the same time I am aware of my own failings within the finishing the semester category. I know I could have done better but somewhere along the line, something put me forever behind and I couldn't keep up.
I skipped work because I was so tired after staying up late to study and then turned in my apartment application and on the way to the honors convocation - to sell flowers for Mortar Board because I am not yet graduating - I got lost. I ended up literally driving in circles and passing the same crowded intersection twice where an accident happened even though I tried to avoid that same intersection. It was weird because I knew where I was but I couldn't figure out if I was heading in the right direction or how to circle back and once again I was lost and running on low fuel. Well I made it, only half an hour later than I should have been. I don't know. I think I am just trying to be happy that I am done with my finals.
I got back and watched Grey's Anatomy online, which afterwards I found myself crying because I realized something about my situation. I realized that my mom had never believed in real love. She thought all love was conflicting and not true. She said there was no such thing as a perfect family. Yet I know of a few such families. I wonder if the no perfect families happen because people sell themselves short, sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't think you will get it so you settle for less and then you refuse to work on the relationship because you don't think it will get better. I for one refuse to sell my self short. I believe that there is such thing as true love and I am willing to wait for it. I will not give up my fairy tales. I believe that as long as we believe in something, it will come true.
So I got to thinking about why I am struggling now. I remembered the times when my father didn't support me in any of my endeavors: choir, speech and debate, tennis lessons. I thought about how they really weren't good examples and how I basically spent my days unhappy and lonely. Yes, I divulged myself in that misery but I realized I need to see a therapist.
I think this deep seated loneliness and the fact that I can't sit down and focus is due to my boredom and the fact that nobody ever told me to do better. Sure, I had my older brother who tried but only half-heartedly and therefore succeeded in getting me angry and hence do the opposite. Yeah, it seems people always doubt me and when I succeed they deny it. I think I really wish I could unassociated myself from my family. There is still much anger. I guess that is why I am attracted to my friend because he does believe in me and he pushes me when I feel I can't. He is sort of like a mentor I never had. I also think that he feels a need to be better at least better than his brother. I can understand but I don't know where to go from here. I don't know anything anymore. I just know that I am unhappy with my own family. I blame them for where I am at now.
I don't know if I like my friend but I really am glad for his support and company. I think I really am just wanting some company as well as someone to believe me. I don't think I could really like him unless he really liked me, unless he saw something that made him want to be with me. He isn't really my ideal type but that ideal has fluctuated these last few years. I think right now, all that really matters is that he is a decent guy who is willing to come to church with me and is madly in love with me and will protect me no matter what. The one thing that should matter most to me fluctuates as well between being madly in love with me and simply having that deep connection. Perhaps those two things should be equal or whether you really should wait for it or what. I don't know anything anymore.
That's how its been. I don't know what is going on or why I struggle so much. I don't know. I just want to move on and leave my past behind except my past includes my family. Maybe I am wrong in my thinking but that I cannot tell. How can one psychoanalyze oneself without being biased or letting their imagination go wild in the blank spaces between memories?

Friday, May 02, 2008

I find it amazing that sometimes God can speak to me through the media that I read and watch. I mean even when I read my manga, I find that God speaks to me and encourages me. Watching Lord of the Rings tonight with the Hobbit Society, I learned that it is not through my own strength that I continue but through God's that I am able to stay positive after all that has happened this week. It was an incredibly despairing week and the only reason I am still optimistic is because I know it will get better. I know that this is only the end of the beginning. God really was great because I feel so blessed to have the friends I do. They cheer me up so much so that it doesn't matter that this week I got dealt with bad news each day. Just knowing that I am appreciated and that my ideas are welcome are great. Perhaps thats why I love college so much because it is a place of discussion and your co-workers are your friends and they share the same ideas. I meet people everyday that think like me and thus I talk with and grow and learn together. This is something I lacked at home; even with my brother, he could never understand that I needed someone to talk with and share ideas. So it was hard to take the fact that I didn't get into Scribendi this year but now I can take a class with my friend which will be better. I won't give up. I will improve.
So I am pursuing foreign languages, but I discovered through my manga,how much I really want to go to Japan. I want to learn to speak it fluently, make friends there, and teach English there. I want to travel around and I don't care if it puts me into debt and behind in school. For the experience, it is totally worth it. This is my definition of success. I know my friends are graduating and I am still behind but I make new friends this way. I live my life according to my own terms and not that of the world's.
As I work on my honor's final project, I couldn't help but cry. Thinking of how our culture is such a consumer culture. I mean we really buy clothes because of the name and not the quality. I think we are very close to just selling our soul for status. If that day ever comes, I think even the prostitutes might be better off than us. Status is such a power struggle and all I wonder is what good does status do us. It can neither buy us love nor happiness nor friends. Sometimes it even comes between that and us. True beauty isn't store bought or universal but it is when things are left untouched and natural. We can put on so much make up but after a while it just becomes a mask and unnatural - think of Michael Jackson's nose. Even a slightly crooked nose is better than a fake one. It is just sad that people can't see their own beauty but try to look like someone they aren't.