I don't know...
Today I got done with all my finals. I don't feel relieved but at the same time I am aware of my own failings within the finishing the semester category. I know I could have done better but somewhere along the line, something put me forever behind and I couldn't keep up.
I skipped work because I was so tired after staying up late to study and then turned in my apartment application and on the way to the honors convocation - to sell flowers for Mortar Board because I am not yet graduating - I got lost. I ended up literally driving in circles and passing the same crowded intersection twice where an accident happened even though I tried to avoid that same intersection. It was weird because I knew where I was but I couldn't figure out if I was heading in the right direction or how to circle back and once again I was lost and running on low fuel. Well I made it, only half an hour later than I should have been. I don't know. I think I am just trying to be happy that I am done with my finals.
I got back and watched Grey's Anatomy online, which afterwards I found myself crying because I realized something about my situation. I realized that my mom had never believed in real love. She thought all love was conflicting and not true. She said there was no such thing as a perfect family. Yet I know of a few such families. I wonder if the no perfect families happen because people sell themselves short, sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't think you will get it so you settle for less and then you refuse to work on the relationship because you don't think it will get better. I for one refuse to sell my self short. I believe that there is such thing as true love and I am willing to wait for it. I will not give up my fairy tales. I believe that as long as we believe in something, it will come true.
So I got to thinking about why I am struggling now. I remembered the times when my father didn't support me in any of my endeavors: choir, speech and debate, tennis lessons. I thought about how they really weren't good examples and how I basically spent my days unhappy and lonely. Yes, I divulged myself in that misery but I realized I need to see a therapist.
I think this deep seated loneliness and the fact that I can't sit down and focus is due to my boredom and the fact that nobody ever told me to do better. Sure, I had my older brother who tried but only half-heartedly and therefore succeeded in getting me angry and hence do the opposite. Yeah, it seems people always doubt me and when I succeed they deny it. I think I really wish I could unassociated myself from my family. There is still much anger. I guess that is why I am attracted to my friend because he does believe in me and he pushes me when I feel I can't. He is sort of like a mentor I never had. I also think that he feels a need to be better at least better than his brother. I can understand but I don't know where to go from here. I don't know anything anymore. I just know that I am unhappy with my own family. I blame them for where I am at now.
I don't know if I like my friend but I really am glad for his support and company. I think I really am just wanting some company as well as someone to believe me. I don't think I could really like him unless he really liked me, unless he saw something that made him want to be with me. He isn't really my ideal type but that ideal has fluctuated these last few years. I think right now, all that really matters is that he is a decent guy who is willing to come to church with me and is madly in love with me and will protect me no matter what. The one thing that should matter most to me fluctuates as well between being madly in love with me and simply having that deep connection. Perhaps those two things should be equal or whether you really should wait for it or what. I don't know anything anymore.
That's how its been. I don't know what is going on or why I struggle so much. I don't know. I just want to move on and leave my past behind except my past includes my family. Maybe I am wrong in my thinking but that I cannot tell. How can one psychoanalyze oneself without being biased or letting their imagination go wild in the blank spaces between memories?