Sunday, December 02, 2007

Life is full of stress and life doesn't always go the way you want it. Sometimes you just got to hang in there because you can't stop the rollercoaster. I know I am not perfect and I know I make mistakes, sometimes the same ones but maybe it is because I need to learn it this way. The world tells me that my past dictates my future but I just see the past as a step up on the stairway to success. Some are bigger or smaller than others but I don't think we are stuck on the same step forever unless we choose to stop moving forward. Yet if you keep looking forward, you will see the steps there are new steps waiting to be stepped on. Nobody's life is perfect. We make do with what we got and we just look at the positive of everything. Perhaps that is way too optimistic for some people, for me that is alright. I am struggling right now to stay afloat and I want to take a break but the truth is life isn't going to give it to me. I have to adapt to this life somehow. I have no other choice but I will have been stronger for it. I still have a good rest of my life. As for the rest of my life, I am going accept the good and bad parts of my life and myself equally. The more I fight the bad, the more confused I get but if I can accept everything about me then at least I can have peace in that way. I know I am a beautiful person inside and out and I know that I will accomplish everything I want to, it will just be a lot harder for me than for most people. I won't give up no matter how much life wants me to and I won't listen to what the world tells me.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Freud + Men + Narcisism = Jerk

So I have come to agree with Freud a little bit about his theory of transference, however, I have to say it is only when people continually reinforce that idea that it becomes fact. Take for instance myself, I have this disposition or idea that all men are jerks. This I learned from my father because he was a jerk in that he wanted everything his way and was immature and never grew up but is a selfish boy in an adult body still. Perhaps it has do with his raising as a child, his family, or a mental problem, the point is he refuses to accept the truth that he isn't perfect. Now I naturally thought beforehand that there were better men than my father and so I did find myself men who were indeed better than them but I also saw how they weren't as mature as most of my friends are. Those that I even deemed to find perfect eventually revealed their flaws to me by ways of their incapability to resolve certain situations efficiently and quickly. Rather they seemed to think that it was better not to confront things but either to run away from them or completely ignore them hoping things will get better. My experiences have taught me better than to make that choice as well as to not to expect men to be aware of that fact. So in a sense, because they couldn't make a better choice they ended making things worse because it was too much of a discomfort to them to make that better choice and thus they are jerks. I know there are probably some fallacies to my logic but it is not like I don't give men a chance to prove me wrong or act upon my thinking. Rather it just is my defense mechanism when it comes to dealing with men. It prevents me from getting my hopes to high or being surprised in the bad way. I have been surprised in good ways and there is nothing bad in that way. In fact, when I call men jerks, it isn't something personal. It is more my way of saying they are not perfect. I know nobody is perfect but I think women are more perfect than men atleast that's what my experience has shown me. I know not all women are like that and I know we can be truly mean and vicious more so than men but it is not those women I speak of in high opinion. I am not a sexist, I am just trying to avoid having my hopes crushed.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

So I have to admit that I truly do love someone who continually amazes me with who he is. The trouble is that in doing so I feel myself not so intelligent and there is the fact that there is nothing between us besides friendship. I have moved on and yet I haven't - is it so wrong to admire someone from afar? Is it so wrong to really love them for exactly who they are? When did loving someone become a crime? Yes, I know it is not possible for the fact that there is no chemistry whatsoever between us and yet just being able to see him and talk with him was all I wanted. Now I only have glimpses of him. I do like someone else currently but I don't know if I love him. Granted I only have known him for some months and the other one I knew for 3 year, you can't blame me for not knowing. Nay, it would not be wise to say I love him.

The truth is I love all people for their diversity and their different perspectives they bring. I love life for its diversity. Even with all the pain it brings, pain doesn't really bother me. Itch, however, does. I love talking about relevant information and listening to NPR, perhaps I just enjoy the feeling of being wise though I don't know if I will be ever wise enough to avoid making mistakes. Yet mistakes aren't necessarily bad as long as we learn from them.

I continue to wait for that period in which I will be truly an adult, this in between time as a transient - for I am not a child but not yet an adult- is not at all enjoyable. I intend to enjoy my old age like CS Lewis and not despise it like Freud. I want to live my life to the fullest. If I must learn the hard way then so be it, it all makes for a wiser person in the end and for a more dynamic character. I find that there is more happiness when you struggle to achieve something than when you can do it easily. This is where my strength comes from, in knowing that the last will go first and the first last.

Many think that God's will is upside but maybe that's because we are upside down to begin with. Why do those who can't prove that God exists and yet can't prove He doesn't exist merely go back to their assumption that he doesn't exist. It sounds like mere convenience. Yet I am convinced that if we were to give God a chance to reveal Himself to us which would mean putting down all our defenses, biases, assumptions and being completely open minded and perhaps vulnerable, we would definitely find Him.

Even now that I am suffering in my grades and delayed in my entry to the real world, I find that it is God's doing. He knows that I am upset but He wants me to find real achievement. He is supporting me by not supporting me but by believing in me to have the capability to do what He has planned for me. He is helping me slowly finish climbing the rock wall, little by little, pushing me further up until at last I reach the top where I can then move on to do the more challenging wall. Yet, even then with perseverance and practice, that wall will be climbed. There in lies the proof that through Him everything is possible for He didn't not give us a world of impossibilities but a world of possibilities!

Even in this difficult time, I know that if I persevere and endure it, I will eventually overcome it and become even more successful than those who I wished I could be. The truth is there is no way we can live by comparing ourselves to others for we are not the same people and we don't share the same experiences or feelings. The only true peace we will ever achieve is if we can find the good in the bad, the joy in the pain, the happiness in sadness. Are not the head and tails, two sides of the same coin. So how can we compare one side to the other? We can't, not without using another coin but that's another coin. Yes, it is the same amount and same materials but it also has a different story to tell from the other coin. The choices are infinite to make in life but even if we make a wrong choice, we can always start again and make a right choice continually until we are on the right path again. Thus, nothing lasts forever but continually changes. Life would be boring if it weren't so.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

An entertaining yet draining weekend to end a frustrating week...

I just got back from Great Escape and I have to say it was fun up until the end in which a drama surfaced from the back of people's mind, but before I get to that, I have to say, I didn't accomplish climbing the rock wall...once again it mocks me...but I did get closer to the top before than last time (I think) and I did do the very top rappelling wall which was very fun and nearly hung upside down on the zip-line (if only my cap hadn't fallen off my head). I got some good quiet and prayer time in and was very well fed, though not sure how much I ended up resting. I got some good drawing practice drawing a Techie and three guys on the couch. I enjoyed the worship thoroughly and got to put my car to the use I had always intended it for- driving friends around, and well driving to work/class. Though I do have to say, if you are going to bring a GPS unit, you might as well use it rather than make a drive longer than it has to be but we got home safely although late and I ended up missing a meeting and church and I had a friend drive my car instead because I wasn't feeling too well so I shouldn't be complaining. However, I am strangely saddened by the fact that we didn't get to eat or mingle with the Techies anymore. I always enjoy the Techies' company. They are lots of fun! So I was thoroughly saddened by the fact that we had to cut our company short on the drive back. Well, before we even left there was drama in the air. Two good friends ended up in a bit of dispute with each other from miscommunication about their feelings. Now I am not picking sides, but I do think that things could have been avoided if there would have been some more frankness and less trying to hurt each others feelings because in the end, both got their feelings hurt. It is sad because now one of them has lost her desire to go on any more car trips with us and thus not being going to anymore retreats and such with us. I am not even sure she will be coming to the meetings either. It left me feeling very sad but more so because the one time I wanted to enjoy driving my friends around, instead we ended up being isolated in a sense and even worse feel guilty about something that we didn't even have much control over. As we got "scolded" by our staff workers, I kept wishing that I had been in another car and was with the rest of the group waiting to have the group pic taken. I know it sounds bad, but I couldn't even interject because I wasn't well informed in the situation and didn't want to make the situation worse and I really just wanted things to be...well, like they were when I first joined Intervarsity. Even though I had just gone to one meeting before Chapter Camp, when we road tripped to Salt Lake City,UT, I felt very welcome and as I belonged. That whole time in the car was the best I had had in any road trip. I guess I just wish things weren't so different. I don't know why but I have been feeling very down because nostalgia. Just the other day, I nearly cried because I realized how used to I was being walked back to my dorms by Isaac. Even if there was nothing ever there, it still was nice to be treated so chivalrously by a guy without needing to be asked. Perhaps, I am also not used to suddenly being the older generation at Intervarsity and having to willingly be patient has taken away from the relaxing atmosphere of Intervarsity. I know it's all selfish but I am just being nostalgic for the past. Change has not been kind to me and I just want things to get better. In the end things seemed to improve a lot, a compromise was made and people were packed in the cars and moved out and I had an enjoyable time. I got to learn more about my new friend Kyoko and even appreciate my car even more - for its smooth curve handling.

On another note, I have to say that I am saddened not to be graduating this May. It has affected me more than I thought because for the first time, my plans have been hindered. Even though I feel no rush to graduate, it is still a set back and I know some of my friends will be graduating and leaving me. I feel it a lot when I go to Intervarsity because it is then that I notice change th most - mainly in the different people there now. I feel like something is missing but I don't know what. I am feeling a little insecure to be honest because some people seem to have more time with each other and being in an apartment where your roommates don't necessarily talk to you gets pretty lonely. Perhaps, it is that need to belong ( in a family like setting). I also find myself recently questioning whether I want to be in a relationship. I find I enjoy hanging out with guy friends (aka Techies) too much to want to have to explain myself to a significant other. Yet at the same time, I do crave the attention from the one single opposite sex. I can't explain why I am having such contradictory emotions. I guess what I really crave is someone I could hangout with when I get bored. I find I get bored easily even if I have homework and studying to do. I have this strong aversion to both hw and studying which I don't remember having before; perhaps its because I didn't do much hw last year that I got used to it. It's not like I dislike it but something else. I really want to get back on track with my study habits but for some reason I have lost my resolve to do so. It makes me want to cry that I have become so careless that my grades have suffered immensely. Thoughts seem to crowd my mind a lot lately but I just want to get my groove back, per say.

Friday, August 24, 2007

So the first week of classes has come and gone and lots of interestingly small things have happened since then. I managed to get most of the classes I wanted but I did have to put aside another class for an honors class I really wanted to take. However, it was for the better because now I don't have to carry my art supplies on the bus but I probably will have to do that next semester unless I buy an expensive parking permit. Yesterday, while at our annual ice cream social, I had played a good round of volleyball and was just starting to get better at it when it started raining and soon I found myself completely soaked and nearly blinded by the heavy downpour. I had to take my glasses off and couldn't clean them until I reached my car which was sometime after I started walking to my friend's car who offered to give me a ride. Well, I hope never to get caught in such heavy rain again. Some other things, I have ran into old friends I hadn't seen in a while and one whom I didn't expect to see at all. I have dealt with some roommate/apt. issues already and done my best to be the best roommate possible i.e. create no conflicts. There are still somethings I wish I had and were better but I am dealing with them.

Monday, August 13, 2007

So it started out great, great connection, great fun and he comes back from a month of being out of phone reach and he sounds so excited to hear from me. Now he won't even text me back or call me back and I am not sure if its just because I said I really liked him ( I am too deathly afraid of even saying the other more powerful version of it) or if it really is just him. I already gave him a week of no incessant texting or calling and he finally calls to say that he can't stay awake as he is driving to Florida for a funeral.
Somehow I feel that maybe God does not want this to happen because he hasn't been all that great of influence though he hasn't been completely bad. Yet as I type, it doesn't make sense that God would do that. However, now I know how Peter felt when he said he never would and then God caught him all three times denying him. I didn't think I wanted to be lukewarm, I thought I wanted to be red hot for God but now I see that I am quite comfortable being average. I have gotten way too used to the ways of the world. I am such a shopaholic that I can't even manage my own finances. I feel extremely guilty of not wanting to fully abandon myself to God. It is true that God wants all or nothing and it is so in a relationship. C.S. Lewis said you can't separate one part from the whole mechanism of a relationship and that is what we do when we have sex and when we marry because we are in love. It should be the other way, we should get married because we want to help each other grow more Godly. Likewise, sex should make us want to stay with each other and not be just a thing to keep our "selves" satisfied. After all, being in love doesn't may love each other but you don't have to always like each other every day. We are human after all and that makes anything but perfect so how can you have expect to have a perfect relationship if both are less than perfect. We in this reality are what in math terms call infinities....getting very closes to perfection (0) but never really quite touching it, always plateauing right as we are about to reach it. No, only through God can we ever really hope to achieve perfection and only through God aka Jesus is it that we can truly be cleansed of all our sins. Neither the future, present, nor past has or ever will achieve that perfection. God knew this all along from the start but He loved us so much that He did the only thing He could, give us hope in Jesus and hope that turns to faith and faith that saves but it is only if we truly believe in His love for us and understand that it was Him in the only way we could understand Him. It was His ultimate description and example of His love for us. These things have recently been revealed to me from my pain and hardships of enduring the waiting period for that someone to help me stay strong in this journey to perfection.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

So here I am wondering once again, why did I allow myself the misery of falling for someone; this time some one far away. Yet I know that I cannot keep my heart locked away because then it will become stone, but perhaps suffering isn't as bad as it is painted by people. I once heard someone say that sadness is just a deeper form of happiness, and it doesn't seem far off. It is almost the same as the old saying, "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." I mean if money, wealth, fame are all meaningless to God then what is meaningful. So far I figure only experiences and people and memories but as for specifics, I have yet to figure out what. I have a feeling that suffering might as well be on the meaningful list. So I choose to suffer and so far have only suffered minor injuries on the road to love.
Though this be the second time, I have fallen for someone living quite a distance away. Even though I have yet to be in a serious relationship, I have never had my heart fully broken - only cracked - because it seems that all the people I ever like are always perfectly happy to have me as a friend and let me call them. I could always call them but they never would call me of their own free will, yet I was content for the matter being. So here at my fourth try, I have been called for the first time and have gotten pretty far except I haven't met him. All seems well on the outside but I wonder on the inside if it is. I feel it is myself that is making more of an effort to be the better person while he is content to be average. I thought we might be able to meet before summer's end but now he is telling me no and he is saying he is going to move even farther than before. Once again I feel myself at that crossroad where we split ways but keep in touch -deja vu perhaps-but then I wonder perhaps it is better this way. After all God has a plan for me and since he can see more than I can and is omnipotent and omnipresent , perhaps I should just trust Him. I won't worry but I will just trust Him.
I have given up trying to analyze the opposite sex's mind because in all my experiences doing that it only causes more trouble than help. I have instead taken up the neutral position of letting time follow its course so that whatever will happen happen. I do wish for love but I won't kill myself over it. If an opportunity arises, I shall cease it. Otherwise I am content to live with my friends and my life. It is in no way perfect but neither is it complete. Therefore I am working on it as you work on something. I have given up trying to belong in this world, the truth is I don't-for as a Christian, I belong to God and in His world not this present world that is not yet complete but has fallen as we all have. I don't try to be something I am not, rather I just am. I don't plan either because all my best plans God has thwarted and redirected, so I am just going with God's flow now. Que sera, sera.

Friday, August 03, 2007

As long as I have lived
There has been a whisper

And I believed
Be confident
And slowly came confidence
Take risks
And so I took a risk

I let myself
Be completely vulnerable
Be who I was
Be human
Be open to possibilities
Be ready
To seize the opportunity

By chance
We met one day
And talked of everything and nothing
Relevant and not relevant
Until an affinity was born

His voice traveled miles
His words crossed dimensions
So powerful were they
They became a dream
Where words they were no more
But now became
The source

And when I wake
I wish my dream
Was not a dream
And he were with me
And not so far away

Though the path is long
And uncertain
I cannot help
But listen to the whisper
That became words
That became my dream.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

So this summer has been pretty good as per a job but there is still something missing. I have been missing my friend from New Jersey as I haven't heard from him in a while. I still haven't been paid and I am still scared about what is going to happen this new school year and where I am headed and what classes and what not. This time around I have good friends and as always my God to help me through these difficult lonely and scary times; He gives me strength to carry on because I don't know how else I would. I think I like this friend from New Jersey; he is a great and cool guy and we get along well. He is Catholic, so I am glad about that becaut se if he didn't believe in Christ it would not be good, but he has been out of reach all of July and I am missing his voice terribly. Adding to that, my feelings for my last crush have resurfaced. I don't think I will ever be able to overcome those feelings for my last crush but I can move on. I respect my crush's decision and understand it whole heartedly but just the same I have no power over my feelings; only my actions. So I am saying that I am willing to move on but there are somethings I don't want to forget. It has been a lonely July.
As for work, I think me and my friend James are just going to be friends because I really am not that attracted to him. I only started because my co-worker Laura kept hinting at me about James. Now don't get me wrong, James is a great guy but there is no chemistry between us. We get along fine but it just wouldn't work out to go out and I don't want to ruin our friendship. Besides right now, it is hard enough dealing with feelings for both my former crush and my friend from New Jersey. I feel so torn apart but I really just want to feel loved and happy, but when it comes to love - nothing ever is simple.

I cannot stop time
I cannot change my past
Just as surely
As I cannot stop
Myself from being sad

I still think about him
I still wish it were not so
I still have feelings for him
That will not go away

I take a step forward
As time passes by
I may forget
But can always recall

Is my constant companion
No matter where I go
How I change
It always follows me

Sadness becomes me
As the sun sets on the horizon
And thoughts surface
From the business of the day

All I wish
Is for this pain
To go away
So I can rest

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

So I have been thinking lately, as I haven't been able to sleep because of these thoughts:
I have high standards for guys but I refuse to lower them for any guy. I won't date unless the guy has the right motives. I don't mind him being normal except I am not normal. So why would I choose to date a guy who won't even be able to understand my abnormal personality and my random thoughts. I want a guy who can understand that. Secondly, I am trying my best to be the best person I can be and if a guy is a bad influence on me then that would just be like giving up on a very important dream, so I want a guy who is on the same page with me on that. Thirdly, I being a weird person needs someone to keep me amused. I need to laugh. I have lived with serious people all my life and let me tell you I have enough seriousness with them. I am one who believes in staying young at heart but being mature when the situation calls for it. So if the guy can't make me laugh then I will quickly lose interest. Lastly, I need a guy who will make me feel like I am Helen of Troy. I am tired of being treated with less priority than a girlfriend. I don't expect all your time but I do expect that you can spend some time with me. I expect a give and take, I am your girl-friend and thus I do expect that you open up to me and lean on me as I will lean on you. I will compromise but I won't sacrifice for you. I want to feel like you can't live without me and that I make you happy as well. I don't want to hear about other women or your ex-girlfriends. I know you have a past (so do I) but that's the past and you need to let it go. I don't care because I am just happy that I have you now. So is that all too much to ask of any guy. I don't think so. Why should I lower my standards if it will just cause conflict and cause me pain and heart break. I don't care if I have to wait a long time for that person because I would rather keep my heart in as little pieces as possible. The progress of our relationship will be fun, seriousness, romance, then marriage and then all the rest of the good stuff. I want someone who is on the same page as me on being focused on God and being Godly which is the way to understand me.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Well, no Thailand for me which has set me into a shopping mood again meaning new bedding for my room. I have found my bookcases though so I am excited about that and I am hoping for a new LCD TV that will also serve as my computer monitor to save space although my desk will only accomodate a 15-in monitor but necessity is the mother of creativity and I will find a way around it. So I know I spend a lot, but I caught myself. They had the complete FRIENDS tv series at Target but it was nearly 200 dollars. Oddly enough the individual seasons were only 20 dollars at Target but at FYE they were 50 dollars...hmm? Anyhow I decided I wasn't going to waste another 200 dollars. I am thinking of returning my backpack as much as I love it but I am not sure if I will be able to go to Thailand next summer either. I may just imagine I am in Thailand and type a story about my time there to make up for it. I want to go on a road trip to this summer seeing as I have the time now though don't know about money but I am sure God will provide. I want to get my creative juices flowing again. I love art so much. I am not afraid of the future anymore, I know God has grander plans for me.
On other random knews, I have decided that I like Techies very much so. They make me laugh and are very smart and not bad looking at all as one would assume. Well I guess not anymore as we progressively get smarter and realize that Techies are not the stereotypical nerds of the fact I even saw one dare to wear a pink t-shirt *gasp*! All in all, I give Techies a 9 on my scale of date potentials. If one would like a date with me by some chance, I would agree to it as well.
Now if we were to watch a movie on a date, I would recommend Stranger than Fiction. I recently bought the movie on hearing the good reviews about it and am now adding to the reviews by saying that I totally approve it. Will Ferrell does a supreme job of acting and the movie is so subtly humorous that it tickles you just right. I really loved this movie and am glad I purchased it. Uptown girls was also good but thats just my pick-me-up mood movie. Now that I am done ranting about such at this late of an hour....I find myself once again avoiding sleeping.
I think it's because it is when I am in bed that I feel the most sad and lonely and every depressing thought seeps into my consciousness. Well, I really can't afford no sleep. So goodnight world!