Thursday, November 01, 2007

So I have to admit that I truly do love someone who continually amazes me with who he is. The trouble is that in doing so I feel myself not so intelligent and there is the fact that there is nothing between us besides friendship. I have moved on and yet I haven't - is it so wrong to admire someone from afar? Is it so wrong to really love them for exactly who they are? When did loving someone become a crime? Yes, I know it is not possible for the fact that there is no chemistry whatsoever between us and yet just being able to see him and talk with him was all I wanted. Now I only have glimpses of him. I do like someone else currently but I don't know if I love him. Granted I only have known him for some months and the other one I knew for 3 year, you can't blame me for not knowing. Nay, it would not be wise to say I love him.

The truth is I love all people for their diversity and their different perspectives they bring. I love life for its diversity. Even with all the pain it brings, pain doesn't really bother me. Itch, however, does. I love talking about relevant information and listening to NPR, perhaps I just enjoy the feeling of being wise though I don't know if I will be ever wise enough to avoid making mistakes. Yet mistakes aren't necessarily bad as long as we learn from them.

I continue to wait for that period in which I will be truly an adult, this in between time as a transient - for I am not a child but not yet an adult- is not at all enjoyable. I intend to enjoy my old age like CS Lewis and not despise it like Freud. I want to live my life to the fullest. If I must learn the hard way then so be it, it all makes for a wiser person in the end and for a more dynamic character. I find that there is more happiness when you struggle to achieve something than when you can do it easily. This is where my strength comes from, in knowing that the last will go first and the first last.

Many think that God's will is upside but maybe that's because we are upside down to begin with. Why do those who can't prove that God exists and yet can't prove He doesn't exist merely go back to their assumption that he doesn't exist. It sounds like mere convenience. Yet I am convinced that if we were to give God a chance to reveal Himself to us which would mean putting down all our defenses, biases, assumptions and being completely open minded and perhaps vulnerable, we would definitely find Him.

Even now that I am suffering in my grades and delayed in my entry to the real world, I find that it is God's doing. He knows that I am upset but He wants me to find real achievement. He is supporting me by not supporting me but by believing in me to have the capability to do what He has planned for me. He is helping me slowly finish climbing the rock wall, little by little, pushing me further up until at last I reach the top where I can then move on to do the more challenging wall. Yet, even then with perseverance and practice, that wall will be climbed. There in lies the proof that through Him everything is possible for He didn't not give us a world of impossibilities but a world of possibilities!

Even in this difficult time, I know that if I persevere and endure it, I will eventually overcome it and become even more successful than those who I wished I could be. The truth is there is no way we can live by comparing ourselves to others for we are not the same people and we don't share the same experiences or feelings. The only true peace we will ever achieve is if we can find the good in the bad, the joy in the pain, the happiness in sadness. Are not the head and tails, two sides of the same coin. So how can we compare one side to the other? We can't, not without using another coin but that's another coin. Yes, it is the same amount and same materials but it also has a different story to tell from the other coin. The choices are infinite to make in life but even if we make a wrong choice, we can always start again and make a right choice continually until we are on the right path again. Thus, nothing lasts forever but continually changes. Life would be boring if it weren't so.

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