So it started out great, great connection, great fun and he comes back from a month of being out of phone reach and he sounds so excited to hear from me. Now he won't even text me back or call me back and I am not sure if its just because I said I really liked him ( I am too deathly afraid of even saying the other more powerful version of it) or if it really is just him. I already gave him a week of no incessant texting or calling and he finally calls to say that he can't stay awake as he is driving to Florida for a funeral.
Somehow I feel that maybe God does not want this to happen because he hasn't been all that great of influence though he hasn't been completely bad. Yet as I type, it doesn't make sense that God would do that. However, now I know how Peter felt when he said he never would and then God caught him all three times denying him. I didn't think I wanted to be lukewarm, I thought I wanted to be red hot for God but now I see that I am quite comfortable being average. I have gotten way too used to the ways of the world. I am such a shopaholic that I can't even manage my own finances. I feel extremely guilty of not wanting to fully abandon myself to God. It is true that God wants all or nothing and it is so in a relationship. C.S. Lewis said you can't separate one part from the whole mechanism of a relationship and that is what we do when we have sex and when we marry because we are in love. It should be the other way, we should get married because we want to help each other grow more Godly. Likewise, sex should make us want to stay with each other and not be just a thing to keep our "selves" satisfied. After all, being in love doesn't last...you may love each other but you don't have to always like each other every day. We are human after all and that makes anything but perfect so how can you have expect to have a perfect relationship if both are less than perfect. We in this reality are what in math terms call infinities....getting very closes to perfection (0) but never really quite touching it, always plateauing right as we are about to reach it. No, only through God can we ever really hope to achieve perfection and only through God aka Jesus is it that we can truly be cleansed of all our sins. Neither the future, present, nor past has or ever will achieve that perfection. God knew this all along from the start but He loved us so much that He did the only thing He could, give us hope in Jesus and hope that turns to faith and faith that saves but it is only if we truly believe in His love for us and understand that it was Him in the only way we could understand Him. It was His ultimate description and example of His love for us. These things have recently been revealed to me from my pain and hardships of enduring the waiting period for that someone to help me stay strong in this journey to perfection.