Thursday, December 10, 2009

One week of this inevitable estrangement has passed and all the more I am wearied and just do not want to think about it. In the end, I tried so hard and got so far...never though that line would suddenly be meaningful again in my life and yet it is. I am so tired of this, I keep trying to avoid chaos but it seems God just keeps pointing out the bad in them. I wanted space first to avoid this, yet God saw I couldn't keep my promise and made it so there was no if's and but's, just doing. I am hurt and angry about it. I don't believe I did anything wrong.
I am sorry if telling someone that I like them screws them up but I really don't like to mess around with everything else. I did that last time and look what happened. I don't need my emotions to be toyed with until they decide. I need them to decide and then act. I need guys to be men instead of boys.
I never understood why some women prefer boys to girls. Perhaps I am jaded because I have never encountered a guy who wasn't a boy besides my brother. I have lived with a father who never could mature. It is enough for me. Oh I know that there are good men out there and that boys aren't all that bad but when it comes to relations - boys are terrible. They are still not brave enough to encounter the unknown and rather stick to their comfortable safe and secure ways. Perhaps I am just bitter but I have every reason to be at this moment.

Is it so scary just to have someone admit to you that they like you. Frankly I had a friend I knew liked me but though it did make me nervous, I didn't go out of my way to avoid him. I didn't lead him on either but I didn't cancel appointments. I just acted as best as I could. He did, however, not call me much though granted he never really did pursue me. I don't pursue people either if I know they don't like me. I try my best, I am honest,and I don't act unless I know where I am headed. I guess I maybe just too ahead of everyone else. I know I am not perfect and I have my flaws but I try my best everyday not to step on other's feelings. If I couldn't develop feelings for someone, don't you think I would but as it is, I don't think it's entirely bad to have feelings for someone either. It just means that I find you attractive and want to spend more time with you. However, I am past the point of wanting to make out - oh, sure that sounds fun and all but I am after a more deep relationship other than just the physical. I just want someone to talk to who I can relate. Even if you don't find me attractive, is it so hard to be my friend? Why is it that I suddenly become the enemy when you won't even hear me out. What are you so afraid that I will do to you? I am no witch; it was you that cast the spell. I respect your choice and I will ensure I don't trespass it. I have learned from more than one source never to hold my breath for someone. It's not worth it anyhow. I don't go for people who can't see me for me.

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