Tuesday, March 04, 2008

When I was two and twenty
I found myself
Struggling to be
One and eighteen

The days of idly enjoying
Time not spent with friends
Was not my pleasure anymore
But now it was bitter sweet
For though I loved them
I did not love
The time passing

When I was twenty and two
I spent my days
Imagining myself
Older and wiser
Instead of my foolish self

I wondered about
Where I would be
And idled away my time
Meandering about the clouds
Instead of building my foundation
Until the river flooded
And I was once again
Lost in the wilderness

When I was twenty and two
I thought to myself
Love won't make a fool of me
And found love
Made an enemy of me

No longer was I free
To meet strangers and friends alike
Without it slipping in between us
And making rational into irrational
Thoughts into poetry

See here I am
Writing poetry
Not working
As a diligent student
But an idle daydreamer
Ba humbug
I say to the world

Despite losing sleep and being completely broken down by memories of my past. Here I am still sane and at least improving slowly in school. I wonder how I managed school back then in my turbulent past. Perhaps its that school was still a joy and since I had a set pattern, it was easy to follow. Now since my schedule changes constantly, it is harder to focus and remember without that pattern to fall back. I really don't know how I managed to do well in school with everything going on, then again I didn't pay attention to what went on at home. Perhaps it was simply that doing well in school gave me something to feel good about myself but then I was always outdone by my brother. I don't know but now I am relearning my patterns.

Anyhow, I currently feel blessed. I know I am going somewhere. There is no doubt in my heart but it beats on fervently. I guess I feel blessed because God has renewed my strength. Really I wouldn't be here, if it wasn't for Him. I felt myself last week being so tired and ready to give up. My body was so heavy and my mind so filled with grief, it was no good. Thankfully I had friends who could lift my spirit and understand my pain. It is funny how sometimes we just need a hug but can't ask for one without feeling it's lost its value once spoken. I don't think that is true. A hug from a dear friend even if asked for is still a hug given with warmth and love from her heart.

God works in mysterious ways and I find myself moving on from the past. Those I thought I like, I understand now were not meant for me in the way I wanted but in a way, that made only God's will possible. I have learned things from each of my guy friends that otherwise I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't liked them as I did. I definitely love God with all my heart because He has done great things for me and believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. He lifts me up and shows me how truly beautiful I am. Even my dark side can't help but glorify Him as well. For He created me with all my aspirations and goals and dreams and everything down to temperament and attitude. There was no mistake made in creating me.

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