So I have been thinking lately, as I haven't been able to sleep because of these thoughts:
I have high standards for guys but I refuse to lower them for any guy. I won't date unless the guy has the right motives. I don't mind him being normal except I am not normal. So why would I choose to date a guy who won't even be able to understand my abnormal personality and my random thoughts. I want a guy who can understand that. Secondly, I am trying my best to be the best person I can be and if a guy is a bad influence on me then that would just be like giving up on a very important dream, so I want a guy who is on the same page with me on that. Thirdly, I being a weird person needs someone to keep me amused. I need to laugh. I have lived with serious people all my life and let me tell you I have enough seriousness with them. I am one who believes in staying young at heart but being mature when the situation calls for it. So if the guy can't make me laugh then I will quickly lose interest. Lastly, I need a guy who will make me feel like I am Helen of Troy. I am tired of being treated with less priority than a girlfriend. I don't expect all your time but I do expect that you can spend some time with me. I expect a give and take, I am your girl-friend and thus I do expect that you open up to me and lean on me as I will lean on you. I will compromise but I won't sacrifice for you. I want to feel like you can't live without me and that I make you happy as well. I don't want to hear about other women or your ex-girlfriends. I know you have a past (so do I) but that's the past and you need to let it go. I don't care because I am just happy that I have you now. So is that all too much to ask of any guy. I don't think so. Why should I lower my standards if it will just cause conflict and cause me pain and heart break. I don't care if I have to wait a long time for that person because I would rather keep my heart in as little pieces as possible. The progress of our relationship will be fun, seriousness, romance, then marriage and then all the rest of the good stuff. I want someone who is on the same page as me on being focused on God and being Godly which is the way to understand me.

Well, no Thailand for me which has set me into a shopping mood again meaning new bedding for my room. I have found my bookcases though so I am excited about that and I am hoping for a new LCD TV that will also serve as my computer monitor to save space although my desk will only accomodate a 15-in monitor but necessity is the mother of creativity and I will find a way around it. So I know I spend a lot, but I caught myself. They had the complete FRIENDS tv series at Target but it was nearly 200 dollars. Oddly enough the individual seasons were only 20 dollars at Target but at FYE they were 50 dollars...hmm? Anyhow I decided I wasn't going to waste another 200 dollars. I am thinking of returning my backpack as much as I love it but I am not sure if I will be able to go to Thailand next summer either. I may just imagine I am in Thailand and type a story about my time there to make up for it. I want to go on a road trip to this summer seeing as I have the time now though don't know about money but I am sure God will provide. I want to get my creative juices flowing again. I love art so much. I am not afraid of the future anymore, I know God has grander plans for me.
On other random knews, I have decided that I like Techies very much so. They make me laugh and are very smart and not bad looking at all as one would assume. Well I guess not anymore as we progressively get smarter and realize that Techies are not the stereotypical nerds of the past...in fact I even saw one dare to wear a pink t-shirt *gasp*! All in all, I give Techies a 9 on my scale of date potentials. If one would like a date with me by some chance, I would agree to it as well.
Now if we were to watch a movie on a date, I would recommend Stranger than Fiction. I recently bought the movie on hearing the good reviews about it and am now adding to the reviews by saying that I totally approve it. Will Ferrell does a supreme job of acting and the movie is so subtly humorous that it tickles you just right. I really loved this movie and am glad I purchased it. Uptown girls was also good but thats just my pick-me-up mood movie. Now that I am done ranting about such at this late of an hour....I find myself once again avoiding sleeping.
I think it's because it is when I am in bed that I feel the most sad and lonely and every depressing thought seeps into my consciousness. Well, I really can't afford no sleep. So goodnight world!

A Crown Worth My Time

Though gloom and despair
Nip at my heels
Rebelliousness
Crowns my head

Against this world
That binds and binds
And saddens to the tenth
Rebelliousness stands tall

When the world presses on me
Its demands and its rules
The apexes of my crown
Break the bubbles of their world

Their on the crests of the crown
Lie my true points of life
Where no plan can encompass
All the riches and honors
That lie in store for me

Plans of flying
Above all the pollution and rubble
Plans of creating
Works of thought and amazement


Nothing will move it
From its place
Not wind nor sea
Nor air nor fire
It is there
To the end of my time

Sleepless nights
Endless hours surfing
I sometimes wonder
If Haruhi Suzumiya
And I are alike

It would be interesting
To have a day
In a world created
By our mind
I sometimes
Think too much
About random things
Or nothing at all

I was told that
I surf all over the place
I guess
I spend too much time
On the internet
And not enough
Doing homework...

November is here and December is around the corner...

I am scared and frightened
Tired and stressed
But my spirit is still strong
While my body is exhausted
I want to cry these lonely nights
But my spirit stands firm
I know my circumstances are hard
But I can't quit
I will persevere
I will overcome my circumstances
Become better than I am now
I will
Be the person
I see in the distant future
Who is waving back at me
With a smile
Beckoning me forward to her
She whispers to me
Don't give up
You will reach it
My wings are tied
But I know they exist
If I can just persevere
I will free myself
From the chains of
The past
And free my wings of
The future.

Fall Poems

Sadness in Time

A tear falls down my cheek
As my heart beats
The sky blackens
And the leaves fall
As I reminisce
On what this life
Has brought me

I wonder about
You and I
My future
My past
My present

Watching the sunset before me
I remember everything
Who I am
Where I am going
Who you are
Where you are going
And what you are to me

I know our paths are seperate
But these feelings
Cannot be controlled
My heart
Cannot be denied
My self
Cannot be ignored

As I think about you
I wish with everything I am
That it wasn't this way
But time continues
Leaves fall
Sun sets
And time slips
Through my fingers.

________________________
Autumn Revelation

A tear falls down my cheek
As my heart beats with the falling leaves
Looking up at the sunset
Beyond the falling rain
Ahead is a fork in the road
I see you there
At the opposite end
With blurry eyes
But stable feet
Whispered in the autumn breeze
Praying they reach your ear
My thoughts and feelings
I send to you.

Freedom

Waiting for time to pass
Uncertain of the future
Everything before me is blurry
Including the past
All I know is myself
And where I want to be
Nothing else matters

Obstacle after obstacle
Heartache after heartache
I stumble forward
As God pushes me
My legs move on their own
Despite my weakness
Inside my soul is on fire
I cannot give up

The past is the past
And no pattern can define me
I am as infinite
As God is timeless
Don't try and define me
For I have no classification
I once was an awkward shy girl
But she died
And instead I was reborn
Through Christ

He is with me always
Even in my loneliest hour
And through Him
I have gone far
He has shown me the world
And the truth of everyone
That which I couldnt see
Until I died
Even the the biggest problem
Has become but a minor delay
See this smile on my face
It is because He is with me.

I have no need for pity
All I ask is that you accompany me
As far as you can
On my journey
When our paths split
You shall forever be in my heart
With Christ
But this is my journey
To freedom

And so it goes
On this path to my final destination
Many will pass
Some will stay a while
And a few will join me most of the way
But only one can
Can go all the way
If he chooses
Until then
I have Christ

Silently I watch
As you pass me by
Without a word
All along
Holding in
Wishing to release
What are grades
When all that matters
Is the end

A Season of Drought

Sleepless wet nights
Tousled sheets
Recurring incidents
Slipping from my hands
I watch all stability leave me
Praying for a miracle
Only to be paid in reality
Wishing for a vent
An outlet
A refuge
A counsel
To let out my frustration
To be understood
To be healed
To find release
From this eternal cycle
All along I trudge
Through the hot difficult sands
Of this season of drought.

Late nights, cartoons, reality shows, and dreams are to mental health as bad late night pizza is to your stomache.

Weird dreams dilute
The reality of time
Making the moment of awareness
The more twilight

Cartoons are not real
Yet mixed with thoughts
And current events
Seem so similar

Reality shows
Are not real
Yet popular they be
Even in one's subconscience
They make an appearance

Time pressure
Reality consuming
Missing elements of comfort
Missing home.

Two weeks = Eternity

It has only been two weeks since I moved into my new dorm but for some reason it has felt longer and I keep realizing that it hasn't been that long since I have been in school. It's strange looking out a window and then realizing you have a different view from last semester and even a different room. I just hadn't been fully conscious of the change though some people call that being nostalgic. It's strange to take a step back and realize how much life does change because sometimes we are so caught up in trying to reach that future that we don't appreciate the present. I guess for some people they really don't care but personally I like to stop and smell the roses whenever I get the chance.

Philosophy, life, struggle...

Soo I feel like I am in limbo and because it seems that life is trying to make me quit and I cannot quit. I am not a quitter, but this semester has been crazy. I thought school would be so much better but instead it has only given me more of a struggle. I have felt like crying for the past few weeks but my pride won't let me. I won't give up but if I can survive this semester then I think I will have fully matured. There is just so much going on and I am absolutely busy.

So apparently Nietzche (probably mispelled his name) said that time repeats itself and that you suffer the greatest heartaches and joys repeatedly. At first, I didn't believe it but now it makes sense atleast in terms of repeating semesters. However, this news doesn't cause me to despair because I have a stronger will that provokes me only to see this piece of philosophy as another challenge to overcome. If anything I know that I cannot give up. I only pray for guidance and maybe some support.

I think that this year is my year of testing because who knows how hard it will be to be out of college and fully independent. How hard is real life? So I guess this a test of my will to see the true strength, to prove for once and for all that I am a strong and smart person. That I can handle living on my own. I cannot quit no matter how narrow the path ahead seems. This is my life, my dreams and goals, and I know I can do this. I don't want to be stuck in time but move forward.

Summer is gone
Fall is near
Time stands still
As I moan and groan

Watch me
As I grow
Learning, working, earning
All day long

I have no break
No time to relax
Just time to grow

One tear here and there
Another for that
Oh when will life
Ever cease to be difficult!

Detour

On a path
A fork appears
A guess
And a choice
Smooth and long
It led on

Now a new fork appears
Looking back
Time well spent
Ahead
Another road
Winds down
Long and hard
And often times
In the dark

What lays ahead
At the end
All the encouragement
I need to see
One step forward
On a new path

Transformation

In every thing I am and do
I know I have a purpose
I cannot hold back any longer
I must overcome myself
To achieve that which I was meant to be
Times change
And so must I
One glance back
Two steps forward
I am ready
To begin the journey of
Transformation.

Education...
That is what I seek most in life at this point. However, it seems that life keeps trying to build up that wall that I have destroyed. My father and brother continue to seek to tie me down with words that hurt and condescending attitudes. When all I have done is really seek to be a pleasing person to my friends and family and to trust the Lord with all my anxieties of the future and present. He has not let me down but this continuous disapproval from my own kin makes it harder for me to succeed. I struggle day and night to stay optomistic and positive, to not let them get to me, but it still hurts when you wish with all your heart still that they would be proud of you. They see me not for who I am but for my flaws. Now more than ever my heart is worn and my mind bogged down by the pressures and anxieties exerted on me every return trip I take home. My only comforts are my mother, friends and above all the confidence God has bestowed upon me as well as His love. I will not give up nor listen to those who seek only to elevate themselves by abusing me with their words. I will hold fast to my Lord and do my best to please Him, and I shall continue to work hard towards my dreams.

TV's should be taken out of hospital rooms...

Soo I am sick for the first time all summer. This sickness seems to be divinely given because 3 days ago I was perfectly fine but only when I arrived at my second bff's house did I suddenly seem to get ill. Well, despite a harsh sore throat, I was still able to go hiking in Las Cruces as planned with the aid of lots of water. Seriously, if God hadn't reminded me that drinking lots of fluids would help you, I would be soo sick right now that I would have no voice nor be able to eat comfortably. While my voice is still slowly being affected, I atleast have no sore throat just lots of congestion and coughing.
Today I woke up and felt my throat being clogged by whatever germs and bad stuff is causing me to be sick but it slowly diminished as the day wore on. However, I decided today I should play it safe and rest at home. How did I spend my time resting, by watching TV almost non-stop for the first time in months. Never again shall I do that, I got a huge migraine that still persists. I am now thoroughly persuaded that TV is horrible for your health, why else do you get headaches after watching something for so long. I am soo glad that I am not addicted to TV as much as I used to be when I was young. I am thoroughly convinced that TV made my youth that much more difficult to get through with its addicting qualities and poor lifestyle forming habits.
One good news is that it has been raining again here and I just feel so glad for that because it had been so dry and hot that my mom's pomegranite tree dried out from lacking of water over the course of a week (when we were out of town and my father being a bum didn't bother to water the plants even though my mom told him every time we called home) even though it was under the shade of one of our backyard trees, away from direct sunlight. Ayy, I really don't enjoy living in such a dry hot area. I mean I am an aquarian afterall. Somedays rain makes all the difference of having a good day or bad day.
Oh I am so ready for school to start. I am excited about my new job as a middle school mentor as well as being nervous too but as my cousin's wife tells me, never underestimate yourself and your abilities. If you tell yourself that you won't succeed then you are already setting yourself up for it but you should never be afraid to atleast try. I am also hoping to really focus this semester on my grades. I need to get back in the groove. I miss math and english. It feels so good when I can do an excellent job on my work and prove that I am intellegent and responsible and so thats my goal this year. I know I can do so much better than I did last year, and if I want to get into Cornell for grad school I got to show my true colors. I also hope to become independent from my parents soon because I really don't appreciate my father's sense of humor. It really is frustrating when one comes to rest here but all he does is nag that you don't do anything when he is even worse. However, if I am to pay for my own graduate school education I will atleast need to be making 4,000 dollars a month by that time. I am not even sure I want to study abroad anymore because I feel I am getting too sidetracked from my dream of being an architect. I just feel like I am in one of those dreams where even though you are running, the goal just keeps getting farther. I miss school, I am just a lover of all things scholastic.

Raining elsewhere but here
Struggling to stand up
I reach for the sky
The stars twinkle at me
The rain drops fall silently
Like the tears
I cannot express
As I stare up
Into the hole in the clouds
That becomes my heart.

Happy Independence Day everyone!

Well another holiday has come and gone, this one marking the middle of summer vacations. One more month until school resumes. I am not sure whether I should be happy or sad; happy that I won't have to be dealing with nagging parents anymore that complain I spend too much or sad that vacations are ending. However, as much as I slept, the waking hours I had weren't too great and overweighed my sleep causing me to want to sleep more. I atleast have worked on my summer reading and been able to see my friends but I think it is time for me to move on up the ladder of life and become independent since they don't appreciate me being home.

Change is inevitable. Change happens every second of existence from conception to death. In some ways I haven't changed but in other ways I think I have, that is I have changed for the better. However, it's not just personal change that happens but everything changes around you. You think the world is constant but it isn't at all. It changes at the same pace as you do. Things that I thought would never have changed like the city and my neighborhood. They have and continue to change but just like growing up...these changes are very subtle.

I thought I could come home more often but the truth is that staying home only inhibits me more than helps me. I end up regressing because I have to deal with one lousy father who has stayed behind in the past from cowardice and thus never grew up and never got with the program. It's a good thing that I actually like change, otherwise I might have ended up like him. I wish he would grow up though but that would be a miracle and take a long time to happen. I don't know why or how my brother puts up with him but I cannot. He goes against everything that represents my identity and what I value as important things. Well, atleast now I know what to avoid in guys.

My nerves are still recovering from one of the most "rollercoaster" days of my life.
I have to say. I am glad for my best friend Tina because without her I would be lost but she always knows what to do to make me laugh. Ah laughter and music truly are life savers for me.
From visiting my awesome friend Isaac, getting starbucks with my bff, to dealing with coming home to a city I am not so fond of, to screaming and embarrassing our butts off for some hot motorcycle dudes, to putting up with my dad's rudeness, to laughing at Tina's favorite pants splitting while getting a coke...it has been one heck of a day.
The tent is going back up in the backyard. I once again find myself trying to accept reality at home. For tonight, I will be spending the night at Tina's house. Tomorrow, I shall just have to listen to some really awesome rock music and even angry music to calm myself down and cheer me up as well as good books. I only wish it wasn't as hot as it is here ...in the 100s..uggh.
The weekend was totally shweet though! It was soo much fun hanging with my best friend who despite getting scared by my random bursts of hyperness, will allow me to sing to my heart's content. I even got her into swing dancing!!! The Panic at the Disco concert was awesome, the opening bands were cool, but it was great getting to meet the members of Panic despite them being younger than me, fresh out of high school. They were still cute. Tina and I got awesome front side view of the bands but we were tossled a bit by the center crowd and even had a bit of a crowd surfing problem towards the end. All in all, we got out safe and sound without a bruise contrary to a wise woman's thoughts. Lots of prayers for tolerance of parents will be appreciated this week.