An entertaining yet draining weekend to end a frustrating week...

I just got back from Great Escape and I have to say it was fun up until the end in which a drama surfaced from the back of people's mind, but before I get to that, I have to say, I didn't accomplish climbing the rock wall...once again it mocks me...but I did get closer to the top before than last time (I think) and I did do the very top rappelling wall which was very fun and nearly hung upside down on the zip-line (if only my cap hadn't fallen off my head). I got some good quiet and prayer time in and was very well fed, though not sure how much I ended up resting. I got some good drawing practice drawing a Techie and three guys on the couch. I enjoyed the worship thoroughly and got to put my car to the use I had always intended it for- driving friends around, and well driving to work/class. Though I do have to say, if you are going to bring a GPS unit, you might as well use it rather than make a drive longer than it has to be but we got home safely although late and I ended up missing a meeting and church and I had a friend drive my car instead because I wasn't feeling too well so I shouldn't be complaining. However, I am strangely saddened by the fact that we didn't get to eat or mingle with the Techies anymore. I always enjoy the Techies' company. They are lots of fun! So I was thoroughly saddened by the fact that we had to cut our company short on the drive back. Well, before we even left there was drama in the air. Two good friends ended up in a bit of dispute with each other from miscommunication about their feelings. Now I am not picking sides, but I do think that things could have been avoided if there would have been some more frankness and less trying to hurt each others feelings because in the end, both got their feelings hurt. It is sad because now one of them has lost her desire to go on any more car trips with us and thus not being going to anymore retreats and such with us. I am not even sure she will be coming to the meetings either. It left me feeling very sad but more so because the one time I wanted to enjoy driving my friends around, instead we ended up being isolated in a sense and even worse feel guilty about something that we didn't even have much control over. As we got "scolded" by our staff workers, I kept wishing that I had been in another car and was with the rest of the group waiting to have the group pic taken. I know it sounds bad, but I couldn't even interject because I wasn't well informed in the situation and didn't want to make the situation worse and I really just wanted things to be...well, like they were when I first joined Intervarsity. Even though I had just gone to one meeting before Chapter Camp, when we road tripped to Salt Lake City,UT, I felt very welcome and as I belonged. That whole time in the car was the best I had had in any road trip. I guess I just wish things weren't so different. I don't know why but I have been feeling very down because nostalgia. Just the other day, I nearly cried because I realized how used to I was being walked back to my dorms by Isaac. Even if there was nothing ever there, it still was nice to be treated so chivalrously by a guy without needing to be asked. Perhaps, I am also not used to suddenly being the older generation at Intervarsity and having to willingly be patient has taken away from the relaxing atmosphere of Intervarsity. I know it's all selfish but I am just being nostalgic for the past. Change has not been kind to me and I just want things to get better. In the end things seemed to improve a lot, a compromise was made and people were packed in the cars and moved out and I had an enjoyable time. I got to learn more about my new friend Kyoko and even appreciate my car even more - for its smooth curve handling.

On another note, I have to say that I am saddened not to be graduating this May. It has affected me more than I thought because for the first time, my plans have been hindered. Even though I feel no rush to graduate, it is still a set back and I know some of my friends will be graduating and leaving me. I feel it a lot when I go to Intervarsity because it is then that I notice change th most - mainly in the different people there now. I feel like something is missing but I don't know what. I am feeling a little insecure to be honest because some people seem to have more time with each other and being in an apartment where your roommates don't necessarily talk to you gets pretty lonely. Perhaps, it is that need to belong ( in a family like setting). I also find myself recently questioning whether I want to be in a relationship. I find I enjoy hanging out with guy friends (aka Techies) too much to want to have to explain myself to a significant other. Yet at the same time, I do crave the attention from the one single opposite sex. I can't explain why I am having such contradictory emotions. I guess what I really crave is someone I could hangout with when I get bored. I find I get bored easily even if I have homework and studying to do. I have this strong aversion to both hw and studying which I don't remember having before; perhaps its because I didn't do much hw last year that I got used to it. It's not like I dislike it but something else. I really want to get back on track with my study habits but for some reason I have lost my resolve to do so. It makes me want to cry that I have become so careless that my grades have suffered immensely. Thoughts seem to crowd my mind a lot lately but I just want to get my groove back, per say.

So the first week of classes has come and gone and lots of interestingly small things have happened since then. I managed to get most of the classes I wanted but I did have to put aside another class for an honors class I really wanted to take. However, it was for the better because now I don't have to carry my art supplies on the bus but I probably will have to do that next semester unless I buy an expensive parking permit. Yesterday, while at our annual ice cream social, I had played a good round of volleyball and was just starting to get better at it when it started raining and soon I found myself completely soaked and nearly blinded by the heavy downpour. I had to take my glasses off and couldn't clean them until I reached my car which was sometime after I started walking to my friend's car who offered to give me a ride. Well, I hope never to get caught in such heavy rain again. Some other things, I have ran into old friends I hadn't seen in a while and one whom I didn't expect to see at all. I have dealt with some roommate/apt. issues already and done my best to be the best roommate possible i.e. create no conflicts. There are still somethings I wish I had and were better but I am dealing with them.

So it started out great, great connection, great fun and he comes back from a month of being out of phone reach and he sounds so excited to hear from me. Now he won't even text me back or call me back and I am not sure if its just because I said I really liked him ( I am too deathly afraid of even saying the other more powerful version of it) or if it really is just him. I already gave him a week of no incessant texting or calling and he finally calls to say that he can't stay awake as he is driving to Florida for a funeral.
Somehow I feel that maybe God does not want this to happen because he hasn't been all that great of influence though he hasn't been completely bad. Yet as I type, it doesn't make sense that God would do that. However, now I know how Peter felt when he said he never would and then God caught him all three times denying him. I didn't think I wanted to be lukewarm, I thought I wanted to be red hot for God but now I see that I am quite comfortable being average. I have gotten way too used to the ways of the world. I am such a shopaholic that I can't even manage my own finances. I feel extremely guilty of not wanting to fully abandon myself to God. It is true that God wants all or nothing and it is so in a relationship. C.S. Lewis said you can't separate one part from the whole mechanism of a relationship and that is what we do when we have sex and when we marry because we are in love. It should be the other way, we should get married because we want to help each other grow more Godly. Likewise, sex should make us want to stay with each other and not be just a thing to keep our "selves" satisfied. After all, being in love doesn't last...you may love each other but you don't have to always like each other every day. We are human after all and that makes anything but perfect so how can you have expect to have a perfect relationship if both are less than perfect. We in this reality are what in math terms call infinities....getting very closes to perfection (0) but never really quite touching it, always plateauing right as we are about to reach it. No, only through God can we ever really hope to achieve perfection and only through God aka Jesus is it that we can truly be cleansed of all our sins. Neither the future, present, nor past has or ever will achieve that perfection. God knew this all along from the start but He loved us so much that He did the only thing He could, give us hope in Jesus and hope that turns to faith and faith that saves but it is only if we truly believe in His love for us and understand that it was Him in the only way we could understand Him. It was His ultimate description and example of His love for us. These things have recently been revealed to me from my pain and hardships of enduring the waiting period for that someone to help me stay strong in this journey to perfection.

So here I am wondering once again, why did I allow myself the misery of falling for someone; this time some one far away. Yet I know that I cannot keep my heart locked away because then it will become stone, but perhaps suffering isn't as bad as it is painted by people. I once heard someone say that sadness is just a deeper form of happiness, and it doesn't seem far off. It is almost the same as the old saying, "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." I mean if money, wealth, fame are all meaningless to God then what is meaningful. So far I figure only experiences and people and memories but as for specifics, I have yet to figure out what. I have a feeling that suffering might as well be on the meaningful list. So I choose to suffer and so far have only suffered minor injuries on the road to love.
Though this be the second time, I have fallen for someone living quite a distance away. Even though I have yet to be in a serious relationship, I have never had my heart fully broken - only cracked - because it seems that all the people I ever like are always perfectly happy to have me as a friend and let me call them. I could always call them but they never would call me of their own free will, yet I was content for the matter being. So here at my fourth try, I have been called for the first time and have gotten pretty far except I haven't met him. All seems well on the outside but I wonder on the inside if it is. I feel it is myself that is making more of an effort to be the better person while he is content to be average. I thought we might be able to meet before summer's end but now he is telling me no and he is saying he is going to move even farther than before. Once again I feel myself at that crossroad where we split ways but keep in touch -deja vu perhaps-but then I wonder perhaps it is better this way. After all God has a plan for me and since he can see more than I can and is omnipotent and omnipresent , perhaps I should just trust Him. I won't worry but I will just trust Him.
I have given up trying to analyze the opposite sex's mind because in all my experiences doing that it only causes more trouble than help. I have instead taken up the neutral position of letting time follow its course so that whatever will happen happen. I do wish for love but I won't kill myself over it. If an opportunity arises, I shall cease it. Otherwise I am content to live with my friends and my life. It is in no way perfect but neither is it complete. Therefore I am working on it as you work on something. I have given up trying to belong in this world, the truth is I don't-for as a Christian, I belong to God and in His world not this present world that is not yet complete but has fallen as we all have. I don't try to be something I am not, rather I just am. I don't plan either because all my best plans God has thwarted and redirected, so I am just going with God's flow now. Que sera, sera.

As long as I have lived
There has been a whisper

Believe
And I believed
Be confident
And slowly came confidence
Take risks
And so I took a risk

I let myself
Be completely vulnerable
Be who I was
Be human
Be open to possibilities
Be ready
To seize the opportunity

By chance
We met one day
And talked of everything and nothing
Relevant and not relevant
Until an affinity was born

His voice traveled miles
His words crossed dimensions
So powerful were they
They became a dream
Where words they were no more
But now became
The source

And when I wake
I wish my dream
Was not a dream
And he were with me
And not so far away

Though the path is long
And uncertain
I cannot help
But listen to the whisper
That became words
That became my dream.

So this summer has been pretty good as per a job but there is still something missing. I have been missing my friend from New Jersey as I haven't heard from him in a while. I still haven't been paid and I am still scared about what is going to happen this new school year and where I am headed and what classes and what not. This time around I have good friends and as always my God to help me through these difficult lonely and scary times; He gives me strength to carry on because I don't know how else I would. I think I like this friend from New Jersey; he is a great and cool guy and we get along well. He is Catholic, so I am glad about that becaut se if he didn't believe in Christ it would not be good, but he has been out of reach all of July and I am missing his voice terribly. Adding to that, my feelings for my last crush have resurfaced. I don't think I will ever be able to overcome those feelings for my last crush but I can move on. I respect my crush's decision and understand it whole heartedly but just the same I have no power over my feelings; only my actions. So I am saying that I am willing to move on but there are somethings I don't want to forget. It has been a lonely July.
As for work, I think me and my friend James are just going to be friends because I really am not that attracted to him. I only started because my co-worker Laura kept hinting at me about James. Now don't get me wrong, James is a great guy but there is no chemistry between us. We get along fine but it just wouldn't work out to go out and I don't want to ruin our friendship. Besides right now, it is hard enough dealing with feelings for both my former crush and my friend from New Jersey. I feel so torn apart but I really just want to feel loved and happy, but when it comes to love - nothing ever is simple.

Rest

I cannot stop time
I cannot change my past
Just as surely
As I cannot stop
Myself from being sad

I still think about him
I still wish it were not so
I still have feelings for him
That will not go away

I take a step forward
As time passes by
I may forget
But can always recall

Loneliness
Is my constant companion
No matter where I go
How I change
It always follows me

Sadness becomes me
As the sun sets on the horizon
And thoughts surface
From the business of the day

All I wish
Is for this pain
To go away
So I can rest

So I have been thinking lately, as I haven't been able to sleep because of these thoughts:
I have high standards for guys but I refuse to lower them for any guy. I won't date unless the guy has the right motives. I don't mind him being normal except I am not normal. So why would I choose to date a guy who won't even be able to understand my abnormal personality and my random thoughts. I want a guy who can understand that. Secondly, I am trying my best to be the best person I can be and if a guy is a bad influence on me then that would just be like giving up on a very important dream, so I want a guy who is on the same page with me on that. Thirdly, I being a weird person needs someone to keep me amused. I need to laugh. I have lived with serious people all my life and let me tell you I have enough seriousness with them. I am one who believes in staying young at heart but being mature when the situation calls for it. So if the guy can't make me laugh then I will quickly lose interest. Lastly, I need a guy who will make me feel like I am Helen of Troy. I am tired of being treated with less priority than a girlfriend. I don't expect all your time but I do expect that you can spend some time with me. I expect a give and take, I am your girl-friend and thus I do expect that you open up to me and lean on me as I will lean on you. I will compromise but I won't sacrifice for you. I want to feel like you can't live without me and that I make you happy as well. I don't want to hear about other women or your ex-girlfriends. I know you have a past (so do I) but that's the past and you need to let it go. I don't care because I am just happy that I have you now. So is that all too much to ask of any guy. I don't think so. Why should I lower my standards if it will just cause conflict and cause me pain and heart break. I don't care if I have to wait a long time for that person because I would rather keep my heart in as little pieces as possible. The progress of our relationship will be fun, seriousness, romance, then marriage and then all the rest of the good stuff. I want someone who is on the same page as me on being focused on God and being Godly which is the way to understand me.

Well, no Thailand for me which has set me into a shopping mood again meaning new bedding for my room. I have found my bookcases though so I am excited about that and I am hoping for a new LCD TV that will also serve as my computer monitor to save space although my desk will only accomodate a 15-in monitor but necessity is the mother of creativity and I will find a way around it. So I know I spend a lot, but I caught myself. They had the complete FRIENDS tv series at Target but it was nearly 200 dollars. Oddly enough the individual seasons were only 20 dollars at Target but at FYE they were 50 dollars...hmm? Anyhow I decided I wasn't going to waste another 200 dollars. I am thinking of returning my backpack as much as I love it but I am not sure if I will be able to go to Thailand next summer either. I may just imagine I am in Thailand and type a story about my time there to make up for it. I want to go on a road trip to this summer seeing as I have the time now though don't know about money but I am sure God will provide. I want to get my creative juices flowing again. I love art so much. I am not afraid of the future anymore, I know God has grander plans for me.
On other random knews, I have decided that I like Techies very much so. They make me laugh and are very smart and not bad looking at all as one would assume. Well I guess not anymore as we progressively get smarter and realize that Techies are not the stereotypical nerds of the past...in fact I even saw one dare to wear a pink t-shirt *gasp*! All in all, I give Techies a 9 on my scale of date potentials. If one would like a date with me by some chance, I would agree to it as well.
Now if we were to watch a movie on a date, I would recommend Stranger than Fiction. I recently bought the movie on hearing the good reviews about it and am now adding to the reviews by saying that I totally approve it. Will Ferrell does a supreme job of acting and the movie is so subtly humorous that it tickles you just right. I really loved this movie and am glad I purchased it. Uptown girls was also good but thats just my pick-me-up mood movie. Now that I am done ranting about such at this late of an hour....I find myself once again avoiding sleeping.
I think it's because it is when I am in bed that I feel the most sad and lonely and every depressing thought seeps into my consciousness. Well, I really can't afford no sleep. So goodnight world!

A Crown Worth My Time

Though gloom and despair
Nip at my heels
Rebelliousness
Crowns my head

Against this world
That binds and binds
And saddens to the tenth
Rebelliousness stands tall

When the world presses on me
Its demands and its rules
The apexes of my crown
Break the bubbles of their world

Their on the crests of the crown
Lie my true points of life
Where no plan can encompass
All the riches and honors
That lie in store for me

Plans of flying
Above all the pollution and rubble
Plans of creating
Works of thought and amazement


Nothing will move it
From its place
Not wind nor sea
Nor air nor fire
It is there
To the end of my time

Sleepless nights
Endless hours surfing
I sometimes wonder
If Haruhi Suzumiya
And I are alike

It would be interesting
To have a day
In a world created
By our mind
I sometimes
Think too much
About random things
Or nothing at all

I was told that
I surf all over the place
I guess
I spend too much time
On the internet
And not enough
Doing homework...

November is here and December is around the corner...

I am scared and frightened
Tired and stressed
But my spirit is still strong
While my body is exhausted
I want to cry these lonely nights
But my spirit stands firm
I know my circumstances are hard
But I can't quit
I will persevere
I will overcome my circumstances
Become better than I am now
I will
Be the person
I see in the distant future
Who is waving back at me
With a smile
Beckoning me forward to her
She whispers to me
Don't give up
You will reach it
My wings are tied
But I know they exist
If I can just persevere
I will free myself
From the chains of
The past
And free my wings of
The future.

Fall Poems

Sadness in Time

A tear falls down my cheek
As my heart beats
The sky blackens
And the leaves fall
As I reminisce
On what this life
Has brought me

I wonder about
You and I
My future
My past
My present

Watching the sunset before me
I remember everything
Who I am
Where I am going
Who you are
Where you are going
And what you are to me

I know our paths are seperate
But these feelings
Cannot be controlled
My heart
Cannot be denied
My self
Cannot be ignored

As I think about you
I wish with everything I am
That it wasn't this way
But time continues
Leaves fall
Sun sets
And time slips
Through my fingers.

________________________
Autumn Revelation

A tear falls down my cheek
As my heart beats with the falling leaves
Looking up at the sunset
Beyond the falling rain
Ahead is a fork in the road
I see you there
At the opposite end
With blurry eyes
But stable feet
Whispered in the autumn breeze
Praying they reach your ear
My thoughts and feelings
I send to you.

Freedom

Waiting for time to pass
Uncertain of the future
Everything before me is blurry
Including the past
All I know is myself
And where I want to be
Nothing else matters

Obstacle after obstacle
Heartache after heartache
I stumble forward
As God pushes me
My legs move on their own
Despite my weakness
Inside my soul is on fire
I cannot give up

The past is the past
And no pattern can define me
I am as infinite
As God is timeless
Don't try and define me
For I have no classification
I once was an awkward shy girl
But she died
And instead I was reborn
Through Christ

He is with me always
Even in my loneliest hour
And through Him
I have gone far
He has shown me the world
And the truth of everyone
That which I couldnt see
Until I died
Even the the biggest problem
Has become but a minor delay
See this smile on my face
It is because He is with me.

I have no need for pity
All I ask is that you accompany me
As far as you can
On my journey
When our paths split
You shall forever be in my heart
With Christ
But this is my journey
To freedom

And so it goes
On this path to my final destination
Many will pass
Some will stay a while
And a few will join me most of the way
But only one can
Can go all the way
If he chooses
Until then
I have Christ

Silently I watch
As you pass me by
Without a word
All along
Holding in
Wishing to release
What are grades
When all that matters
Is the end

A Season of Drought

Sleepless wet nights
Tousled sheets
Recurring incidents
Slipping from my hands
I watch all stability leave me
Praying for a miracle
Only to be paid in reality
Wishing for a vent
An outlet
A refuge
A counsel
To let out my frustration
To be understood
To be healed
To find release
From this eternal cycle
All along I trudge
Through the hot difficult sands
Of this season of drought.

Late nights, cartoons, reality shows, and dreams are to mental health as bad late night pizza is to your stomache.

Weird dreams dilute
The reality of time
Making the moment of awareness
The more twilight

Cartoons are not real
Yet mixed with thoughts
And current events
Seem so similar

Reality shows
Are not real
Yet popular they be
Even in one's subconscience
They make an appearance

Time pressure
Reality consuming
Missing elements of comfort
Missing home.

Two weeks = Eternity

It has only been two weeks since I moved into my new dorm but for some reason it has felt longer and I keep realizing that it hasn't been that long since I have been in school. It's strange looking out a window and then realizing you have a different view from last semester and even a different room. I just hadn't been fully conscious of the change though some people call that being nostalgic. It's strange to take a step back and realize how much life does change because sometimes we are so caught up in trying to reach that future that we don't appreciate the present. I guess for some people they really don't care but personally I like to stop and smell the roses whenever I get the chance.

Philosophy, life, struggle...

Soo I feel like I am in limbo and because it seems that life is trying to make me quit and I cannot quit. I am not a quitter, but this semester has been crazy. I thought school would be so much better but instead it has only given me more of a struggle. I have felt like crying for the past few weeks but my pride won't let me. I won't give up but if I can survive this semester then I think I will have fully matured. There is just so much going on and I am absolutely busy.

So apparently Nietzche (probably mispelled his name) said that time repeats itself and that you suffer the greatest heartaches and joys repeatedly. At first, I didn't believe it but now it makes sense atleast in terms of repeating semesters. However, this news doesn't cause me to despair because I have a stronger will that provokes me only to see this piece of philosophy as another challenge to overcome. If anything I know that I cannot give up. I only pray for guidance and maybe some support.

I think that this year is my year of testing because who knows how hard it will be to be out of college and fully independent. How hard is real life? So I guess this a test of my will to see the true strength, to prove for once and for all that I am a strong and smart person. That I can handle living on my own. I cannot quit no matter how narrow the path ahead seems. This is my life, my dreams and goals, and I know I can do this. I don't want to be stuck in time but move forward.

Summer is gone
Fall is near
Time stands still
As I moan and groan

Watch me
As I grow
Learning, working, earning
All day long

I have no break
No time to relax
Just time to grow

One tear here and there
Another for that
Oh when will life
Ever cease to be difficult!