Thursday, April 03, 2008

On Dating, Love, and life (I guess)...

So recently I have found myself attracted to someone but on a completely different "axis" than my previous crush. Though the "axis" I used to determine my attraction wasn't so much different from before but the approach and the feelings involved were different than last. First off, I didn't quite fully accept that I had liked him until at least a semester had passed and at the same time, I was made aware of the possibility that I could find someone I could get along. I for sometime had not wanted to accept that I liked someone or even believed I could find someone. Perhaps I was still stuck on my past crush who had so meticulously exemplified my ideal. However, now I see that the ideal was only a rough draft. This new person has much of the same characteristics except that he is much more of the introverted type though not necessarily shy - that is he is just not as outspoken. I myself wasn't even sure I liked him as more than a friend and sometimes I still am confused about what exactly I am doing, thinking, or feeling.

Yet I know the one main thing, I feel when I am around this new person is that I feel comfortable - something my ex had told me as well and now I begin to understand. This comfortableness is in the fact that I don't feel judged as to how smart or beautiful or anything for that matter but more it is like he accepts me as a human being with all my faults and still values his time with me. This is something I didn't feel with my previous crush for whenever I danced with him, I always felt like I was a lousy dancer and thought he wanted to dance with someone else. There was no valuing of our time dancing but it was just of politeness to ask to dance and even when we did hang out, he never quite talk to me. There was a cold wall/wind blowing in between us. I don't feel any of that with my new interest.

I am attracted to this new person but it feels much less an infatuation than the previous crushes I have had. That is to say this new interest doesn't even feel like a crush but more a respectful relationship. He is handsome and does have gorgeous blue/green eyes (I can't tell from my memory) but I also find that I don't always think of him as I did the others. This could mainly be from the fact that I am much more focused right now on my studies and learning and only have leisure time at night but I have to say this interest feels different. I did think I like someone else before him but once I got to know that previous person, I found I couldn't really relate to him and that I wasn't attracted to him as much. With this new person, however, I do feel attracted to him still so I guess that means the ideal is still there. I think right now I am most scared that I may be transposing my own image of him whenever I see him. Thus, so that I don't decieve myself any further I am taking it slow. I am starting off by just being close friends and see where that takes us - see if we do have something there.

Both me and him share many interests. These interests in fact help us relate to and understand each other. We are both interested in languages and Asian philosophy and I think that helps a lot. I only now realize how much Asian philosophy has affected the way of my life. Interestingly enough, both he and I have found a way to have Asian philosophy and Christianity co-exist. I think for me, though, I am much more devoutly religious than he but then I have only just begun to know him. I do know that he is a true Christian and not just an inactive follower. I don't believe he is Catholic but right now I will not worry about that. As long as he is Christian, I am happy. I also find that we both like to be adventurous people and are not afraid of taking risks - though in this he is much more braver than I and I feel I can learn a lot from him because of that.

So even though I am attracted to him and can imagine myself in a relationship with him, there is something different about this attraction. Perhaps, it is in the fact, that it was only after I had a certain dream that I decided to pursue this interest, not that I didn't like him before, there had always been that initial attraction based on looks and even more shared interests, but that I wasn't willing to sacrifice a good friendship in search of that something more. The dream also made me realize that I wanted a relationship but the relationship I wanted was more of a subdued relationship. I wanted a relationship where we could be comfortable just hanging around each other and talking and passing ideas along - I guess a more intellectual relationship rather than the romantic relationship, not that I don't want that romantic aspect but that that is not the most important thing I want presently in a relationship. I want more of the relationship that I see in my friend Glory's Indian parents - a calm and respectful relationship where the love is downplayed. I guess I am just tired of seeing all these relationships where one is emphatically in love with the other; maybe because I don't believe those relationships last or that relationships should be based on that.

So I really feel great because I recently went to the park with him just randomly. We had fun and played like little kids and got bruised a bit. He played along with me and that was cool. Afterwards I came home and remember feeling happy because even if that was the only other time spent with him, it would be enough. It wasn't the same atmosphere as I had wanted previously but it was enough that I could still be thankful. We had some good bonding times and there were moments were it seemed he was into me but I really couldn't tell. On the opposite side, I think he could probably tell that I did like him or atleast I wanted to tell him something. I had plenty of moments where I could have told him but I didn't because I felt it was too early. I felt like I wanted to get to know him better before then. I found we had a lot in common and I did end up falling for him more but I am still scared to jump into a cliff so to speak and I want to make sure I like him for who he is and not who I am making him out to be in my mind. I know he can definitely help me grow and overcome some of my own obstacles. It would be great if we could go running, cycling, and rock climbing together because he is better at that than I am, but I also think I can help him out in someways. Lately though it has been scary wondering whether it will work; maybe because I have been looking for someone like him or maybe because I don't like admitting that I have been lonely and wanting a bf. I just hope I am not being foolish but I think this is one of those necessary risks. I really don't know how he feels about me. I mean we don't really run into each other much on campus surprisingly. I definitely don't want to jump to conclusions to quick for both our sakes. I don't want to like someone just because I want to have a bf. I want to have a quality relationship and I think in order for that to happen, we need to get to know each other better in that way. I don't know how this will turn out but wish me luck.

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