Tuesday, April 29, 2008

When the storm comes rolling in...so to speak.

Sometimes a storm come unexpectedly, or so some people think but I think usually it is because we keep hoping that it won't rain, expecting that slight of a miracle to happen and when it doesn't happen, we deny that we were ever hoping for it. Most of the time, I can tell if there is a storm heading this way - though in the desert at my home, it seemed like it rained everywhere but there - because there is the usual wind gusts before the storm and the smell of water in the air. Some people who have lived without the meteorologist and all his fancy devices for predicting weather have been able to predict weather on their own. There are even those people whose joints swell up when there is rain on its way.
Today was one of those days when the storm hit for me but somehow I was prepared. I had been expecting it to come, but it came in differently than I expected it and so I was caught a bit off guard. Then again, I kind of provoked the storm with a slip of the tongue. I hadn't even been thinking about what I said, it just came out all wrong but somehow I managed to keep the tension low. There was still a lightning strike of pain but I was grounded enough so that it didn't hurt too much. I took too my drawing to keep me distracted from the thoughts that kept bubbling in of humiliation, of sounding completely unwise, of sadness. No, I wouldn't let those thoughts in - just as yesterday I had thoughts of anger and resentment and felt like I had been done an injustice. So I did what any other shopaholic did - I went shopping, but with a specific purpose/goal in mind. I went and I got some comedy DVDs, one luxury clothing item, a few needed items, and chocolate. There had been some showers before the storm in which I discovered leaks in my roof so to speak. When I got home, I just spent the day watching the comedy DVDs and boy did I laugh. I got one of my favorite movies (though I have a lot of favorite movies) and I ate chocolate knowing I would feel better without a thought about calories and such. Yes, yesterday, last night was a night of de-stressing and resting and healing. So today, after running around Johnson Field, I improved but at the cost of doing only one mile of running (before I ended up throwing up, unfortunately), I went to class and I doodled as if it was the most important thing. I ended up discovering a creative thought which I will flesh out later but mainly I couldn't let my mind free to think what it wanted. I needed to keep it busy. I channeled all the negative I was feeling into my hands into my pen and onto the paper. Sometimes that is how you breakthrough your barriers by just doing things repetitively until you have a realization - until you see the trees for the forest so to speak.
I still feel the pain from the lightening strike but it is much more subdued. Mainly because it didn't strike me hard but was grounded in more ways than one - by creativity, by my drive to find wisdom, by my pride and so forth - but also because I found God was understanding of how no matter how much I want to deny the pain, I also need to accept it. He spoke to me of how even when you can't understand why when you think God is punishing you, he is really disciplining you, preparing you for the long journey ahead - that the way things are are actually for the better. I hung out and had some good conversations with a few friends that I normally don't get to see much. I was really glad that they were with me and had approached me and that we had stuff to share. For instance, my friend Jonah, totally made me feel better about throwing up after running today. He made me feel cool because throwing up, in his mind, shows how hard I was pushing myself on the field this morning. That really cheered me up. I felt glad that I had friend like those few who I saw today. Hopefully, the rest of the day will be like that. Thank God, God had made it for those friends to be available for talking today because it really took a load off my mind.
Perhaps because I had always looked to God during those most difficult times in life or because I don't deny my emotions but accept them as part of being human and part of the process of maturing and finding wisdom it is that I was able to have an afternoon as I have so far had. I don't know but I definitely thank God for the blessing of my friends. Even amidst the chaos of my life currently, I am able to find peace with my turmoil. It's not easy, admitting that you can't rock climb well or have low endurance or struggle with school but admitting it, is the first step to overcoming these obstacles and triumphing over them. It makes sense, but you can't find the sense until you actually do it and keep going and not stop. Just as if you want to improve your running, you just need to keep running even when your chest is heaving and your heart is pounding. You just got to keep looking forward.

No comments: