Picture Fridays!

In honor of Fridays and all they mean I have decided to post an interesting picture I took either new or archived! Hope everyone enjoys! Also I am going to change my layout sometime soon but just trying to figure out the kinks of blogger.

These are my favorite hangouts on campus! This is in a cove near the Humanities building and the Art building. I love that is hidden and has a Japanese feel to it! It seems to be maintained by a group on campus because there sometimes is a guestbook to sign and comment on.

Below is in front of Zimmerman library. Sadly the fountain isn't always on.

A Dance History

Question: What songs did you grow up dancing to and what are you go to dance songs now?

Recently I realized how much I missed dancing. This may sound quite silly, why would I miss it you ask? Well for a while I was not dancing because I felt like I wasn't a good dancer, this I think most people will say is false. However, I am definitely not the best partner for dancing because I can tend to lead sometimes. It is something I cannot help unless you are forceful. This has lead to some rather disheartening experiences o the dance floor where I am suddenly confronted by better dancers and guys who refuse to dance with me. Happily, though, I have decided to not care anymore.

A brief history of my dance record: As far as I can remember I have loved to danced to music and when I was little my mom would always play La Bamba by Ricky Valentino on my birthday and I would so dance my butt off! I would also dance at every wedding and similar celebrations.

Some point in elementary, I fell in love with Ballet like your typical little girl. Let's face it who doesn't love watching the Nutcracker Ballet or isn't transported to a different time. It may seem cliche but even the NYTimes wrote an article about how popular it is and has been countlessly rethought n reproduced every christmas year. Sadly this was the start of my awareness of how I was just mediocre as I wasn't as flexible as some of my fellow ballerinas but I still enjoyed the classes. However, I realized I wouldn't be a professional ballerina nor did I ever have a professional ballet recital as I didn't go to a professional dance studio but a community one that kept switching teachers.

At the same time, being born in a Latin family, there were plenty of opportunities for going salsa dancing with relatives and salsa,meringue, and the like became my dance repoitoire of choice.

Come college time, I am introduced to swing and soon come to love it as well. At first I feel I am just as good as when I was little as the rhythm guides my steps and I can usually fall back on my partner to lead me, but as per usual I find people that are better and soon find myself being a wallflower watching others dance wishing I never lacked a partner.

In college, I also have taken Ballroom Dancing and Flamenco classes all which have greatly improved my dance skills but because I don't exceed well in them, I am a bit discouraged and as they are partner dances I have not many opportunities to practice. Yet the basic lessons learned have sticked with me.

Soon after most of my friends graduated, I found myself dancing less and less until I pretty much stopped dancing. So when I went to a friend's wedding last New Year's and there was music playing, I suddenly had an urge to dance but there weren't many people dancing on the floor (sadness) and then my present crush was there and I really wished he would ask me to dance - but he didn't and I didn't have the courage to dance by myself. So I ended up leaving the wedding on a sad note because suddenly I realized how much dance was a part of my identity so to speak.

Fast forward to another friend's wedding this spring, there were plenty of single dancing friends and even one outstanding little dancing girl (she did some impressive worms) and so I felt very comfortable dancing like no other person on the floor with all my friends who were encouraged to dance by my dancing. That's when it dawned on me, that dancing is something I could never give up.

So when another friend decided to have a dance party, I jumped on board! It was such a blast! I met some new people and danced until I couldn't stand, got complimented on my hair after my bun fell apart as well as on my dancing, even danced with my crush for the first time ever! After that party, I came home with such a dance high that I couldn't stop smiling and even still can't stop thinking about it! There I usually had a dance partner or dance group to continually dance.

I did not feel at all self-conscious about my dance skills and supremely enjoyed myself despite some dirty dancing going on =P. I went to just dance and dance I did.

As if that weren't enough proof (for myself mainly) that I can't give up dance, my first major crush was a ballroom dancer, my second major crush was a former ballet dancer, and well I danced with my current crush. So needless to say, dance will from this point on continue to be a major part of my life. Did I mention it is really great stress relief? So I can't help but to dance/ move to the rhythm of music even sitting down and am now dancing to Lady Gaga's Just Dance which kind suits the dance party I went to!

Just a funny picture of my roommate's cat. Just look how fashionable she is, how did she know stripes were in? lol. Anyhow, she is actually not so happy. I managed to really wrap her up in my scarf. Hope you guys laugh as much as I did.

*Edit: A much clearer picture.

So it's nothing new that I like looking at food blogs, however some may be surprised to find my alcohol cabinet getting fuller. Not that I dislike alcohol but it was just that I had no desire to become "wasted" and the previous circle of friends I had was never much into alcohol either so there was no reason I should find myself getting drunk or buzzed a common thing. However, recently, my circle of friends has shifted to include those that do enjoy going out for drinks and at the same time I have found that this has also correlated to having booze in foods which is the main reason for my alcohol cabinet growing, though some of my wines are just for enjoying on their own too! Even though I have been out drinking more and have enlarged my knowledge of beers and wine, I still am quite new to the world of mixed drinks and even some beers.
I have yet to get completely wasted but friends have told me that I have been drunk. I just always thought that drunk and wasted were equivalent terms but that doesn't seem to be the case. It would be interesting to hear what others think about that, so please do comment. Currently, I believe that being wasted is such that you have no control but you can still be drunk and have some control just your sense of balance is off and buzzed is when you are still in control but you can feel the alcohol start to make you lose balance. Anyhow, I find myself being in that older group that does enjoy going out for drinks and oddly enough I decided for my 25th birthday to celebrate it at a pub. I just wanted it to be a low key thing where I could hang out with some of my favorite peeps and have a good time. The place is one of my favorite places and others agree - Two Fools Tavern is pretty awesome; the food is great and the atmosphere is so chill. So it seemed appropriate. As the years go by, I think I just enjoy hanging out with friends the best.

Now I am not dissing on my friends who don't drink, but hey ever since I have opened up to alcohol, I have found it to be quite a blessing. Of course, this is always in moderation but that's how all good things must be. Now, recently I found on one of my new blogs a pear tart with whiskey in it and now I am hankering to add some good whiskey to my alcohol cabinet. I also need to get a pie dish and a dutch oven. Heh, the more I cook the more I tend to accrue both alcohol and kitchen items, but sadly having roommates who come and go and can't remember what is their stuff means that some of my things get taken. I will eventually start bugging them to return my stuff because being a sentimental person as well as frugal, losing my kitchen supplies is really infuriating to me!

It's funny how the things I like sort of fit together like a puzzle. I love entertaining (something a big house as I live in has made super easy), good food, friends, cooking, and art and together that makes for some awesomely good times!

A truth that has struck me recently is something that I knew but never once did I grasp completely, only fleetingly. Recently, however, I have found my life to be enriched the more that I sought out God and the more that I found myself clinging to His everlasting love. Yet, He is the one constant person in my whole life who has done more for me than I could ever imagine, the one true Father. He who created me as I am knowing full well how dangerous it was to leave me to forces of nature and urbanism and people, yet He fully trusted me. He knew I would succeed, succeed in finding myself. I couldn't have done it without Him. Here is a poem I wrote to describe my feelings...

Existence


The music flows
The wind blows
The sun shines
My heart beats

With every moment
Time brings something new
Sadness and joy intermingle
With this one beat

Chaos brought me
Order formed me
Fighting each other
Harmony and melody form
Dancing with each other
The dance of life

In this moment I am made one
I exist as no other can
Dancing on the breeze
Swaying in the music
Fighting the tides
Yet alive nonetheless

Like the prima donna ballerina
The eagle in the sky
The Energy guiding me
Toward the ever warming light

Light that shines in the darkness
Warms you in the depths of winter
Blindingly clear after the storm
When all else is washed away
Only I remain
Only truth remains

Wake me up when September ends...

This September has been a hard month to get through and through it I managed to survive despite various things that threatened to rain misery on me. I didn't, however, not escape from some days of misery.

To start it off, I ended up mis-budgeting my money once again but do to a haircut and treatment, I was already close to finishing up my budget at the start of the month. Two weeks later and I had maxed out my credit card. Fortunately my parents are generous and have some money alloted for food in my rent budget that I could fall back on. So I lasted another week with money for food. Eating out is definitely expensive but it has been hard to try and find time to make my own lunch to school and even then some days I don't get back till late at night so I may as well make dinner too. I haven't been able to go to either the farmers' markets or the groceries. So it has been a month of seeing what I had and what I can make. Well as if that weren't already hard, my microwave broke down mid-month and so now we can't reheat food without having to wait at least 30 min in the oven and using glass oven-ware - it sounds easy but then it means extra dishes to wash and I already was nagged about putting glass in the sink (that I was soaking) once. So it has been by the grace of God that I have been able to eat food via friends' generosities and that of finding free food. I have been humbled and am not too picky about my food. Some days I eat straight up tuna sandwiches that the same roommate that nagged me about the glass in the sink has looked at me in disdain and grotesqueness about but hey I am hungry and poor and it tastes good enough for me.

So as if being hungry and nearly broke for the month weren't enough. I have had a streak of bad luck in parking. I suppose this could have been avoided had I been able to wake up early and just go biking down to campus but when some nights you get back at 11 and you still have some HW to do, its not always possible to go to sleep early to wake up early. I am especially sleepiest in the mornings. Yet I was running late one time and decided to park at McDonald's for the morning and ended up getting fined 60 dollars. I also had my car broken into one evening when parked behind Frontier. The second time I got fined for parking at Frontier for the first time ever. Yup so whatever few dollars I was trying to save have been spent on parking.

Whatever pride was left before has been completely taken away. I have been resorted to being a poor college student except for nice housing. I have been humbled and blessed at the same time. I survived it and I feel a bit wiser now as to managing my expenses. I am truly trying to cut down on my expenses. I may end up getting a job at Talin to start getting some income. Speaking of jobs, I didn't get the previous job I had applied for on campus. So that was also another loss this month. As you can see, a lot happened in September and there were days where I was really upset and was just needed to get some quiet time/space but having roommates didn't really help sometimes. Other times they did but it is just hard to compromise sometimes and deal with others. I don't like talking about my miseries because I don't want pity and I don't want to attract attention. Sometimes all I want is some peace of mind and rest of body or TLC. I will sulk, be anti-social the days that I am just having life come at me and wish that I could come home to that peace and quiet without having to deal with nagging of any kind and even sometimes noise. I am one who loves silence contrary the general public that needs constant noise. It was one of the things I came to enjoy about living in my own apartment.

Prelude to a Beginning and End

The end of summer has finally come and while I don't know how ready I am for school semester to start, I also feel that I am excited it for it once again. I have already succeeded in summer school, I worked my hardest and enjoyed the class and did as well as I can manage. So now I have to repeat that whole process. This summer was also one of the best summers I have had and I am not sure where in lies the reason for that. One reason I guess is that I managed to spend some good quality time with my family in Northern New Mexico without much arguing and this week will continue to do so as I head to Austin to see my brother. In some ways, it seems God has been answering my prayers or maybe I have been answering my own prayers. It hasn't been easy and there were days I just wanted to quit and days were my faith was so much at question but fortunately I wasn't alone in these faith struggles, I had C.S.Lewis to help me through it and God certainly was there too.
This summer was also filled with quite a bit of weddings, four to be exact and one more still to come and two next summer already in the works. At the end of the summer, there were some hookups as well. I was not immune to the workings to Cupid but I am a stubborn woman and well I have finally come to enjoy my single-hood and wasn't about to give it up so easily and especially not so quickly. I have enjoyed hanging out with my friends this summer with no worries about having to tell someone about it. I have been more social than I ever was and well I am grateful for it after last year's desert of solitude. I feel some of the best friendships have been established and I am ever so thankful for them. This summer has been proof that God is listening to my prayers. While not all my prayers have been answered, I have faith they will be in due and proper time.
So I should be packing for Austin, I nearly didn't go but I have a strong feeling that I need to be with them. I have especially missed my older brother and he will soon be married so it will be good to spend more time with my soon-to-be-sister-in-law as well. While my family isn't perfect and pretty dis-functional at times, still it is all I have and I couldn't wish for another family. They are my own blood after all and I know I haven't been perfect either but their love is still strong for me and I find that to be sufficient for me. It is in loving one another and accepting our mistakes that we are made perfect in love. So I am willing to submit my ego in exchange for that love because without that love I would be miserable.

So one thing I struggle with and even though I know it is all lies from within and without the scar is still there, the damage is done. I cannot look in the mirror without realizing how tainted my vision has become. I do not see myself for me but I see what the world has taught me to believe. I see unbalance, I see tiredness, I see a person that is not perfect. No matter that all my friends think I am hot and beautiful. Those words while uplifting do not stick to me. I simply cannot see it.

Oh I know there is no such thing as perfect. I think in these college years, I have learned the best way to look good is to not be self-conscious but be completely oblivious to your appearance and just enjoy yourself in any state. Nobody likes hearing about how you are not happy with certain areas - we all are that way. Even super models struggle with it themselves. Who doesn't? I guess some hide this fact better than others. I just don't want to look at myself some days. I am not the best makeup artist. Everyone, however, enjoys laughing about your embarrassing moments and let's face it humor is dang sexy! So I know I can't see myself perfectly even if I tried, we all have tainted eyes - that is what sin is, but if we let our friends speak for us then they are better judges than ourselves. They see us for who we really are and can tell when we aren't being true to ourselves. I make do with what I have but the fact is that I was broken long ago. The time when I should have been strengthened was the time I was beaten down and implied my lowliness and uselessness. They may deny such things but the evidence speaks for itself. Do you think I would purposely alter my past to such extent? If I could I would certainly not have it be so but it is as such and I can only accept it and try to learn from it rather than repress it and let it control me.

However much my past makes me, I know I can choose not to let it control my future. I have been told I am borderline depressed. Borderline because I know that I am not always the most "happiest" person - especially currently with my struggling grades but I also know that if I stop working for my goals and if I give up then thats when I really lose. I also know that I have a lot more strength than most because I can fight these feelings of despair. I know I have to stay positive and after all I have been through most people see me as quite a cheerful person. This is something that I work hard everyday at being. Not that it's fake but in just being positive. There are days where I am struggling the most - the days that I need to be left alone and just be and do nothing except meditate on being outside myself. I get so overwhelmed, otherwise, that my head feels like it will explode. I think I have had too many demands placed on me from others and not enough time to just be myself. Anyhow I don't stay depressed much. I let it sink in for a day and the next day I resolve to continue striving to improve myself the next day and work towards my goal. In the end, thats all that really matters is not giving up. However, it does help if people stop expecting us to fail and do start helping us to succeed as well as stop pointing our mistakes but instead point out where we have succeeded. There is nothing worse than people who expect you to fail or who don't push you. It is a fine line though between too much and too little. Somehow God hits the spot just right. He always pushes me even though I don't think I can, He says I can and even grants me His strength to keep going. When I feel overwhelmed some days, God helps me to ground myself and see the forest for the trees and other epiphanies to get through the days. It is God who helped me out of my black hole and gave me my worth and therefore I will always belong to Him. I live my life for Him. He is my one and only Valentine and the only one who has been there for me even when I didn't believe in Him and who knows me better than me. He loves me even when I fail and never holds it against me but always believes in me.

So lately I find myself wishing more and more to be as seperate from my family as possible. I cannot take my parents anymore either one. They both are refusing to let me go and be my own and as a result I am wanting to shock them into it. How should I shock them you ask?
I think a bit of rebellious liberalness and such is under order. Images of vaudeville circuses and venetian carnivales come to mind and my imagination flourishes with such unusual appearances with their audacity and obnoxiousness as well as superfluousness.
In my love of art and life, I appreciate all things even if they may strike the conservative as repulsive and offensive but if they be so, the more I like it. Though there is a limit to just how much of it is; but for me, it is all about being unique and nonconformist and rebelling against society and the rules and regulations imposed within it.
I think God created a world where we were not to fall under legalistic conformity but to celebrate differences and uniqueness, to laugh and cry all at the same time, but we are so stubborn to change and to things that are comfortable, that to see the unusual causes us to be defensive and to close ourselves to true freedom.

How should I show my mother that she cannot keep seeing me as an innocent person who is easily stepped on but by being as contrary to her wishes. To go the extreme may seem well extreme but when a person is set in their mind even the obvious may not be obvious and you have to be blatantly obnoxious to snap them out. I love her but she is so closed minded and I refuse to follow her judgmental personality and be open to change and the unexpected. Perhaps its not me but it may also be that I just need to step out of my own comfort zone and be free of the fear of judgement and say the heck with it, I will be who I am and I don't care what you think.

No Choice

I will choose to laugh
To remember the good
Though the bad is right alongside it

These may be sad times
But the storm will pass
And everything will fade
Into a background of life

I choose not to despair
To hold onto the hope that is Christ
A hope that promises me
Everything I want and more

I cannot turn back
The road before me is all I can see
If I keep walking
I will eventually arrive
At my final place of resting

I may get there alone and
Beaten and battered
Weather worn and tired
But once there the burden
Will be but a distant memory.

One week of this inevitable estrangement has passed and all the more I am wearied and just do not want to think about it. In the end, I tried so hard and got so far...never though that line would suddenly be meaningful again in my life and yet it is. I am so tired of this, I keep trying to avoid chaos but it seems God just keeps pointing out the bad in them. I wanted space first to avoid this, yet God saw I couldn't keep my promise and made it so there was no if's and but's, just doing. I am hurt and angry about it. I don't believe I did anything wrong.
I am sorry if telling someone that I like them screws them up but I really don't like to mess around with everything else. I did that last time and look what happened. I don't need my emotions to be toyed with until they decide. I need them to decide and then act. I need guys to be men instead of boys.
I never understood why some women prefer boys to girls. Perhaps I am jaded because I have never encountered a guy who wasn't a boy besides my brother. I have lived with a father who never could mature. It is enough for me. Oh I know that there are good men out there and that boys aren't all that bad but when it comes to relations - boys are terrible. They are still not brave enough to encounter the unknown and rather stick to their comfortable safe and secure ways. Perhaps I am just bitter but I have every reason to be at this moment.

Is it so scary just to have someone admit to you that they like you. Frankly I had a friend I knew liked me but though it did make me nervous, I didn't go out of my way to avoid him. I didn't lead him on either but I didn't cancel appointments. I just acted as best as I could. He did, however, not call me much though granted he never really did pursue me. I don't pursue people either if I know they don't like me. I try my best, I am honest,and I don't act unless I know where I am headed. I guess I maybe just too ahead of everyone else. I know I am not perfect and I have my flaws but I try my best everyday not to step on other's feelings. If I couldn't develop feelings for someone, don't you think I would but as it is, I don't think it's entirely bad to have feelings for someone either. It just means that I find you attractive and want to spend more time with you. However, I am past the point of wanting to make out - oh, sure that sounds fun and all but I am after a more deep relationship other than just the physical. I just want someone to talk to who I can relate. Even if you don't find me attractive, is it so hard to be my friend? Why is it that I suddenly become the enemy when you won't even hear me out. What are you so afraid that I will do to you? I am no witch; it was you that cast the spell. I respect your choice and I will ensure I don't trespass it. I have learned from more than one source never to hold my breath for someone. It's not worth it anyhow. I don't go for people who can't see me for me.

For my friend who I love and would want nothing more than for her to reach her dreams. Wherever you may be, may God's love abide in your heart and warm your soul.

Emotions mixing.
Cold setting in.
Pain receding.
Truth emerging.

Friends laughing and eating
All merry and jolly
Good food, good times
Yet one empty seat remains.

Oh that I could fill it
With everything that is good
So that even the bad
Would be overwhelmed
And least affected
Would you be.

My wishes go out to you
This most jolly night
The tears and blood shed
If only they were yours
Not mine
And your pain were gone.

My pain is nothing
If only you would be healed
Praying for you ceaselessly
Believing endlessly

Pain and laughter mixing
God watches over us all
Giving us rest and nourishment
Hope in times of chaos
Love when most needed
Encouragement for all

If I could just
Show you how great is His love
That your pain would recede
The fire restarted
And joy overwhelming
A holy day it would be indeed!

How do you know when you are ready for a relationship? It isn't about being passionate about someone. Emotions are things that cannot be controlled but we can choose how we react to them.

Somehow I thought I was over my heartbreak from last spring but almost all October I was sick with a cold and possibly pneumonia. During the time I spent home in bed recovering, I started becoming depressed and one of the depressing memories I had was about my heartbreak in spring. It wasn't just that I had fallen for him and he had rejected me but it was three shots to my heart. The first was the obvious rejection which if it had simply been that I would have been okay but then I realized later that I was rejected for someone 8 years my younger, someone still in high school. I had remembered reading "high school" but since I was already suffering from the first shock, my mind blocked it. The third and hardest of all for me to take was the avoidance that followed that week. I felt as if my friendship was worth nothing to him, that I had just been plan B, I still don't understand why he couldn't just tell me straight up. The general opinion and view is that it was plain immaturity (i.e. stupidity in my mind).
The funny thing is that my emotions aren't helping me deal with it. Having a heartbreak hasn't stopped me from developing feelings for someone else. Fortunately right now my reason is stronger and I know that I can't really be in a relationship until I am completely healed. While I maybe past the pain, I definitely don't feel like my old self. If you take the analogy that my heart is a glass object, right now I feel put back together but not as strong - still quite fragile. So lately, knowing the only way I can heal is through God, I have been just thirsting for God's presence and love in my life. I just feel like I haven't had enough of it lately. I get thirsty but when I drink water, I realize my thirst isn't thirst for water but for spiritual refreshment.
I think my main problem is that I want to fastforward the healing process but God doesn't work that way and neither does my heart. I think before I can be in a relationship I have to restore myself, make sure I am happy where I am at and part of that includes reaching the goals I set when I came to college -study abroad, architecture- until I am confident in myself again and not unhappy, I shouldn't and won't date.

Last hurdle coming at me...

So lately, I have been growing but in doing so, I have also been ambushed by memories that I blocked from my childhood. Well, it wasn't so much block as just forgot-forgot the real reason for the pain behind the memories. Revisiting those memories have been anything but pleasant, but they also are a part of who I am. I am in the process of coming to terms with everything that I am both painful and not, but it is something that needs time. Since I have also as of late not been able to sleep very well, it has made everything 10x more difficult to deal with these memories. Though, I think this is the last hurdle I need to overcome in order to overcome my current slump. This must be the real deal because even when I assume I am fine, my body tells me otherwise and tears reappear with the reopened wound. Part of what is so difficult to overcome this last hurdle is that the pain comes not from the actual event but from feeling isolated and alone and not having the pain recognized by those who need to recognize it. Also, these memories span my entire childhood because it isn't a single event but it is the feelings that I had as I grew up. Re-examining my memories of those times, I see how I ignored them, blocked them by television and other means but clearly they were still there.

Even as I come to terms with myself, I don't lose hope but I am ever more confident that I will overpass it all with flying colors and come out above the rest. For now I need time and space to deal with it; until I can recall these memories without pain, I feel I cannot face the culprits of the responsible ones. It may hurt them but sometimes people need to be hurt in order to see truth. I have realized that sometimes being a pacifist in this world does not help. To survive in this world, you need to be able to see both sides, keep your head clear, and be able to take advantage of weaknesses on both sides. There is nothing gained if you let yourself become the weakest but there is all to gain in hiding your wisdom.

I keep learning new things by revelation from God because even if there is discussion among friends, not everyone learns the same thing or hears the same thing.
So I know that soon this will be over; I am outgrowing the things I once could not bear to live without. I know that I have a purpose because it is only for that purpose that I am here and living and I will continue on through hard and good times until I achieve my purpose.

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize you did something so excruciatingly stupid and you wonder why you didn't catch yourself? I have lately been having those moments. So much so, that when my boss gave me a strict scolding, I ended up crying not because I was scared or what not but because I felt like I just let myself down more than her. So when I recently came up on some im conversations with my ex-crush, I couldn't help feel sad but as I read on I realized I was fighting a losing battle and that I should have just conceded when I started feeling it. Well, I am learning to let go now; wondering if I should let people suffer through some of my good and not so good poems. Well, here it is more for my amusement than any other person.

Unwinding

Fighting to keep you
Knowing you are leaving
What to do
Must I do

Time slips by
We are aging
Changing
Day by day
Inside and out

Soon there is no goodbye
Just space and time
Ever increasing
Between us
Memories blurring
Good and bad remembered

Yet reading your words
How foolish was I
And kind you were
If I could just
Admit defeat

Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I laugh
Sometimes
Things aren't always
How I wish they were

I keep on struggling
With the tide of life
Near and far
Sinking and floating

When will this game end
When will I be free
To control my emotions
I hate that I can't
Be always who I want to be

I have the lifesaver
Yet there is no end
To this ocean
Hopes created and crushed
Endless beating sun
When can I stand
On solid ground again

Seen and Unseen

The rain continues to fall
As time slips by fingers
And my heart continues to beat

With its downpour
So pours out my soul
My thoughts
My sadness
My pain

But when it clears
So the sun comes out
The plants renewed
The desert quenched
No longer a desert
But an oasis from the sun

Scorched and burned
Tired and despaired
But the rain has come
And the tears washed away
Soon I will find the river
That leads to the forest
The forest to the people
The people to my destination

For now I will
But stand and embrace
All that was and is
Renewed by what is to come
The rain quenches everything
Seen and unseen

Letting Go and Starting New

So I finally got to see a counselor and it was good. I didn't break down this time like last though there were a few times when mentioning some painful parts of my past that I felt like I was. We talked about my sleeping habits and how I could work on them and we also talked about how I handle my family currently. I have scheduled another meeting next week and one after that week too. Oddly enough, I feel like my counselor is almost like a confessor. She has told me some stuff I already knew but that I just needed to be told.
Anyhow I have gotten to the last section of Far Pavilions and as I was reading it, I came to the same conclusion that Ashton came to. I feel I need to let go of my past and start living my own life - a new life. I think that's what I need to work out with my counselor. I feel that it is about time that I should but letting go of anything is hard let alone your past and your childhood. I know I have to step out into adulthood and start making sacrifices but I guess I am afraid of turning out to be like my parents or family. I don't want to be sucked into a life I don't like.
One of those sacrifices is cutting back on my expenses. I am in a little bit of debt but it will eventually be paid off. I just can't buy any luxuries. I have to have a set sleep schedule as well. I have to really study this semester.
I have made up my mind. I have decided that when I graduate I will work with the government. As much as I don't like politics or bureaucracy, I don't think I would like to be a teacher after I graduate because then I wouldn't have much travel experience. Working with the government, it wouldn't be too much but it would be a lot more than it is for a teacher. I can't give up on traveling. I will not give any chance to regret. This way if it doesn't work out at least I will have tried and not be wondering forever.
Really, I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. I just have to focus on one thing. For now, that one thing will be graduating with foreign languages degree. Well, even before that, to improving my Japanese so that I can study abroad for a year in Japan. It will be hard to cut back on other hours maybe of hanging out with friends or watching TV or whatever but I am ready to shed that skin so to speak. I am tired of being a dragon and ready to begin afresh.
Anyhow, I know that I won't ever really get anywhere with my family until I accomplish all I have set out to do, until I prove to them that I can live without having to join the muck of the world so to speak. They don't believe me and they won't so I have to go about by myself. I have to find my own peace. I can't settle until I have lived out my journey. It's okay that I am single. I won't be ready to have anyone in my life until I find myself once again. I got lost amongst friends, amongst the need to be accepted, but now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and face hardships and obstacles without faltering back. I need to learn to not blame myself so much and just do it as Nike likes to point out. It is long due but then I had no one to help me realize this. I only had parents who doubted me and intercede in my own battles rather than let me learn.

Now I know I like to travel around and generally felt like a nomad but this summer is turning out to be a nomadic summer. I feel like I have been going from place to place even if I happen to have stayed at one place longer than a week.

First off, my apartment was supposed to be ready yesterday but there was a delay and I was told that it wouldn't be ready until this weekend. However, as the old saying goes, the best laid plans of mice and men don't always go according to plan. So today, I got a call and it turns out that there is another new delay and this time I wasn't given even a move-in date...at least I wouldn't be told until Monday.

Secondly, after living with Marcie, Jessie and Brett for about a month. They found out that they were breaching their contract by letting me stay there longer than a week. So last weekend I was 'graciously told I had to find another friend to move in with' for what was then supposed to be the week before my move-in. So now I am staying at Rachel's house and will have to let them know that my move-in date has been delayed once again. Granted, I completely understand their situation and did feel like tensions were starting to rise but I think what was hardest to swallow was that I didn't feel like they were sad to see me go. I felt forgotten as a new friend moved in, one that could possibly classified as a best friend. Okay, I admit, I was jealous but I didn't let it show. I understood my place - but that doesn't mean I accepted it. Well, what do you expect from friends you've only known for three years?
I don't know anymore. I am truly thankful for their kindness in letting me stay for as long as I did. I just felt like I wasn't really appreciated or accepted.

I don't know how to take this. On the one hand, it has been a blessing to be with friends constantly but I am getting tired of having to move from one place to the next with three-fourths of my stuff in storage and no internet access on the weekends. Really, it gets frustrating to keep having that hope bashed. On the other hand, it has kept my parents at bay and it looks like they probably won't be able to help me move in because that date is so tentative that when I finally do find out that I can move-in they will be busy. Yet, even though I should call them up and tell them it's been delayed; I don't want my dad calling the property manager again. That was way too horrifying to find out that somebody just can't call me and ask me and is prying once again into my life that I want separate.

Yes, I still feel angry at my parents. For several reasons, one because they truly did disappoint me in my childhood and I was severely let down. Second, because they can't seem to live my life they way I want to yet I know once I am financially independent I will be able to stop that. Third, though it may well be tied to the first reason, is that one disappoint really was just traumatizing. I think my parents traumatized me way too much and as soon as I get over one trauma another seems to appear. I really should go see a therapist but I haven't been able to remember as well as being lazy. These things just occur at the most bothersome hour when you really can't do anything about it. If only I could just call my therapist.

I think I am generally confused this summer. I am happy that I am with friends but at the same time I really want a place of my own. I want to move into my apartment already! Secondly, as much as I know I should spend some time with my family, I still hesitate to answer the phone when they call as well as when I know I have to call them. I think the hesitation is due to the fact that for a while they kept bugging me about my graduation plans and wouldn't stop asking it and so I really got frustrated with it. I had planned to go home for the Fourth of July weekend but then I was going to move in on Saturday supposedly. When I found out I couldn't, I was a bit glad. I know my bff will be sad as well. I could still go home but I don't want to, not until I am finally settled in my apt. This really has been a trying summer.

On one happy note, I am thoroughly enjoying my art class though still having difficulties in the morning. I love it because I feel like I get along with everyone in the class and have even made some friends. Sometimes I feel like when I am drawing , I am complete. It isn't always easy but I know I can't stop. Work has been great as well. I definitely feel accepted even if most of the workstudies already graduated. I rally am confused because there are things that I am definitely glad for but there are things I am equally upset about this summer. What is one ever to do to keep from losing sanity?!?!

I don't know...

Today I got done with all my finals. I don't feel relieved but at the same time I am aware of my own failings within the finishing the semester category. I know I could have done better but somewhere along the line, something put me forever behind and I couldn't keep up.
I skipped work because I was so tired after staying up late to study and then turned in my apartment application and on the way to the honors convocation - to sell flowers for Mortar Board because I am not yet graduating - I got lost. I ended up literally driving in circles and passing the same crowded intersection twice where an accident happened even though I tried to avoid that same intersection. It was weird because I knew where I was but I couldn't figure out if I was heading in the right direction or how to circle back and once again I was lost and running on low fuel. Well I made it, only half an hour later than I should have been. I don't know. I think I am just trying to be happy that I am done with my finals.
I got back and watched Grey's Anatomy online, which afterwards I found myself crying because I realized something about my situation. I realized that my mom had never believed in real love. She thought all love was conflicting and not true. She said there was no such thing as a perfect family. Yet I know of a few such families. I wonder if the no perfect families happen because people sell themselves short, sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't think you will get it so you settle for less and then you refuse to work on the relationship because you don't think it will get better. I for one refuse to sell my self short. I believe that there is such thing as true love and I am willing to wait for it. I will not give up my fairy tales. I believe that as long as we believe in something, it will come true.
So I got to thinking about why I am struggling now. I remembered the times when my father didn't support me in any of my endeavors: choir, speech and debate, tennis lessons. I thought about how they really weren't good examples and how I basically spent my days unhappy and lonely. Yes, I divulged myself in that misery but I realized I need to see a therapist.
I think this deep seated loneliness and the fact that I can't sit down and focus is due to my boredom and the fact that nobody ever told me to do better. Sure, I had my older brother who tried but only half-heartedly and therefore succeeded in getting me angry and hence do the opposite. Yeah, it seems people always doubt me and when I succeed they deny it. I think I really wish I could unassociated myself from my family. There is still much anger. I guess that is why I am attracted to my friend because he does believe in me and he pushes me when I feel I can't. He is sort of like a mentor I never had. I also think that he feels a need to be better at least better than his brother. I can understand but I don't know where to go from here. I don't know anything anymore. I just know that I am unhappy with my own family. I blame them for where I am at now.
I don't know if I like my friend but I really am glad for his support and company. I think I really am just wanting some company as well as someone to believe me. I don't think I could really like him unless he really liked me, unless he saw something that made him want to be with me. He isn't really my ideal type but that ideal has fluctuated these last few years. I think right now, all that really matters is that he is a decent guy who is willing to come to church with me and is madly in love with me and will protect me no matter what. The one thing that should matter most to me fluctuates as well between being madly in love with me and simply having that deep connection. Perhaps those two things should be equal or whether you really should wait for it or what. I don't know anything anymore.
That's how its been. I don't know what is going on or why I struggle so much. I don't know. I just want to move on and leave my past behind except my past includes my family. Maybe I am wrong in my thinking but that I cannot tell. How can one psychoanalyze oneself without being biased or letting their imagination go wild in the blank spaces between memories?