Two filled poetry journals..
Amazingly
They are not all about the same thing
As I thought they would be
I need to go over them again
They give me strength
Ehh...I am writing in poetry again
Oh well. =P

As I was writing, the poetry I have written surprises me. Don't you ever have those moments where you step back to examine your life and you are just amazed at how much you have changed and grown? Well I have those almost every time I pause to look at my life. I just can't thank God enough for saving my life, for showing me the world, for giving me the strength to live on and to be independent, the strength to believe in myself, despite the circumstances, and for reaching out to me when I reached out to Him. I can still remember the light that I saw when He saved me...even if it wasn't a specific moment in time in which I became a true believer but still the same when I think back to those hard times, I see the light that reached me in my darkness. I owe my life to Him and I can't give up because I won't let my mother's and Carmelita's sacrifices go to waste. I cannot give up against the current that takes everybody else so easily. I seek Wisdom and its knowledge, but at the same time, I am human, and so I must allow myself my moments of weakness for if I do not then I will have a break down. Here I should be writing my paper already but I have to do this to clear my mind. It is a sad and lonely blog that no one seems to make comments but I enjoy this ... for reasons that I cannot explain. What logic is it that compels us to post our thoughts to the mercy of the world? I guess I hope to spark a conversation with someone, even if my thoughts aren't as philosophic as Aristotle's but I like to enjoy my life thank you very much. I have already contemplated my existence and decided that reality is just perception. No, I will not elaborate on that. I will elaborate though on the fact that love is something that should be called a phenomenon because it cannot be explained by the laws of physics, Einstein will back me up on this too. I have thrown all caution to the wind and put away all reasons. The train's horn blows its last noise as I proclaim that I will not give up on my hope. I cling on to hope like lint clings to clothes. It is part of me this everlasting hope and optimism and I will not change that. Unfortunately that means that in order to move on, I must face brutal honesty and destruction. However, I have come to believe from personal experience that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The question is can you endure the trials, because I was only able to survive with God's help and perhaps because my will to live was made stronger also by Him. Soo this blog is basically about nothing. Sorry for the disappointment (not) =P.

Oh wretched Single's Awareness Day..

That dreadful holiday that was once good
But now is bad
Because of commercialization
How I loathe thee
Yet on this day
I reach a reprieve
I won't allow you
To ruin my day
I don't care
For those together
I only live my life
For my God
And myself
If it be His will
Then let it be so
Otherwise leave me
In peace.

When you feel like you can't go on and even the near future is blurry...

I have finally gotten settled into the new spring semester. It got off to a rocky start when I lost my parking permit and school ID with it. Thank God, I didn't lose my driver's license - that would have been a lot more of a hassle and drama than I need. Needless to say, I called my best friend that day and vented my heart out because gosh was it a lousy night even if the day was really good! Looks like if I can manage to not procrastinate this semester, then I should have a really good and somewhat easy semester. The temptation though is to procrastinate, I already have procrastinated all of last week thanks to that whole drama/hindrence. Surprisingly, reading my architecture book has been challenging and astronomy homework and reading has confused me. I will however get it done. Everything seems to be going well for me, I am enjoying being in the dorms and have yet to feel lonely, which leads me to belief that something is bound to happen that will send me for a ride. There already is one thing that is teetering but I think there is something else that will send me for a wild ride/shock. However, I feel like I am prepared for it. I just feel proud of myself for going as far as I have. I think I have reached a plateau of life though not the plateau of my life's journey; yet there is definitely a steep climb to reach the next plateau but I am up for the challenge. That steep climb is the theme of this semester for me.

Winter break is over...

and I feel glad to be returning to school. The fast pace and work are a welcome change and I plan on starting out my classes as well as the new year with positive attitude and more responsibility. I dislike the laziness that prevented me last year from getting an A in my honors class and that forced me to skip some of my favorite classes so that I catch up on my school work. I hate that I ended waking up late on mornings and debating in my mind if I should go to school - that's not me. It's not right to do that and I feel extremely guilty after I do do that. I dislike how easily I am persuaded by myself nonetheless to be extremely unresponsible and even I am my own worst critique. I am going to wake up now enjoying my life and hopeful. Even if my past experiences of waking up were horrible, I won't let the past be the predictor of my life. I am stronger than that and I refuse to let the world corrupt me. I know there are things in this world that are ugly and that corrupt people but it's like becoming corrupt and negative and selfish won't help to change the world a better place it will only add to the already negativity of it. I don't care step on me because of my niceness but I hate it when people say that my niceness is something fake or that it gets them angry because it's just like them to judge someone and add to it. I know I can't allow myself to be stepped on because it doesn't help but I won't add fire to fire. If I seem like a hypocrite because I laugh a lot and am happy most of the time, it's not because I am hiding my pain but that I am trying to be strong so that I won't get crushed under the current of negativity. I may be strong on the outside but even the strongest walls come down with time unless they are cared for. In most cases my mind and heart conflict but when it comes to perseverence, they agree that I cannot give up, that I must continue on despite the pain and torture and obstacles. I want to be able to prove to my God that I believe in Him always because I know He loves me so. I accept the past that was given to me and the pain and suffering that comes with it. Asked if I were to repeat it, I would say yes because had it not been for that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. Even so though, my strength is not as stable as can be because I am still a human being.

Time is a mystery to me...

How is it that time can go by so quickly and at the same time it goes by slowly. I am just amazed that winter break is almost over. I am happy to be going back to school and see all my friends from school again but then I am starting to feel sad that I have to leave home again. I still havent spent time with my friends from middle school. Well, I still have one week left of vacation because my father is going out of town and I can't leave until he comes back since he is driving us back to Abq.
This break so many changes have taken place and even though I am fine with them, its just that it all happened so suddenly that I am left to wonder about time itself. For instance, we think we have forever to live but in reality it really isn't that long. So is time something that depends on perception or I don't know. I am confused on this. Well, I guess we can only go with the flow of time and trust God to guide us to where we should be.

Gilmore girl marathon makes me feel smarter!

Soo I recently went to best buy and bought the fourth season of Gilmore Girls (I love that show) because they were on sale for half their original price. If I had more money I would have bought all five seasons but alass I spent all my money on presents. Anyhow watching it made me feel smarter and glad to be in college. It also made me anxious for the far future which is to be a mother. I think I will be a good mother when I am ready for that even if I have a career. We will so how that works out.
Soo things are coming along smoothly now, nothing new has happened. My brother leaves to Houston this friday sadly. I will miss him. It turns out that I will be able to take my honors class and possibly even go on the Thailand mission trip with Analisa and Carrie this summer. Wow things are so crazy now. I wonder what this new year will bring me. I trust in God almost completely because I am just hardly ever in the present. I am always in my own world thinking of things all the time. So every decision I make is never really well thought out or planned out.

It's strange how many people wear masks. We all walk around pretending we are happy and that everything is working out in public but in private it's a different story. Even stranger to think that every home is different and every family has a different story and furthermore every person has different experiences. So it really is possible to think that this world we live on could just be a giant computer built to answer the question of life.

I really think that I am following my path but today when my mom and I stopped by a Quiznos to eat dinner, we ran into an old classmate from high school. She remembered me pretty well and for the life of me I couldnt recognize her. She was two classes above me and so I was like well I dont think I got to know older classmates. Then after thinking about it I was like wait, I do remember I had P.E. class with some seniors in my sophomore year of high school and took pictures with them and thats when I remembered her. It was strange that I had forgotten about that year and that P.E. class and it made me feel glad that she remembered me, but that just shows how much I am not in the present and it makes me feel sad that I could forget that. So I hope to be able to be more in the present but for some reason my mind wanders off. Odd, that. Well I can't really do that much about that but I will try and be happy about each and every day of my life. I mean I should be happy to be alive but I guess I still retain some of my old attitude. I will work on that this year. I wonder what it means exactly to be happy to be alive because I really thought I was happy but now I see that perhaps I am not because I don't appreciate every day of my life fully. However, the question is when you are happy to be alive how do you act? I think I am but that I just dislike the society and culture that we live in. I mean if you ever look at people, they seem to be numb and always in a hurry. They never fully enjoy their life it seems. Then they patronize kids and have very little spirit. Its just all so monotone and dull and I am a colorful person with lots of spirit. I believe that we should listen to kids because they can see more than we can (and I am speaking both figurativelyand in some cases literally). I mean shouldn't we be more open minded, isnt that the way to gain peace. So why are more adults becoming close minded and...dull instead of more happy? I just see the world in a sense degenerating but at the same time also regenerating. I know its wierd, I can't explain it. Perhaps its just another aspect of the balance we live in.

A New Year and New Beginnings

Yay, this new year's eve I got to spend it with my best friend out in the open space of her home in the suburbs. It was really great and I got to play with her 4 dogs and 3 cats! That was soo much fun. It was really nice spending time with her and having fun. Even though she didn't enjoy my game of "continue the story" lol. I had some really good food and ate pretty well...first time I had more than one meal (eheheh) and I actually felt very rested: Falling asleep to the music and talking with my friend. Yah it was really restful. It took my mind off of my family issues and I felt very accepted and comfortable there (where as now at home, I feel like the oddball). It was great. Coincidently my first dream of the new year involved a certain someone I know in a peculiar state of mind to say the least.

So my new year's resolution:
1)To be uber confident of myself so that I won't easily get influenced by media and by the opinions of others but myself
2)To get my studies in order so that I can graduate up to atleast As
3)To enjoy my college years and days of youth to the max capacity

I know they are vague and such but really I don't know what else to ask for *cough cough* but I think that really I have already a lot. I just need to work on my study habits.

On a sidenote: While driving/riding back home on the freeway. There was this group of motorcyclists riding too. They looked so hot!!! My dad asked if I would ride one of those and I said ya because thats soo hot! They were the sleek kawazaki and such type motorcycles that I like and with the helmets...they looked soo freakin cool! They passed us but when we got off the freeway they were at the gas station at the corner we turned. I was secretly wishhing I could ride one of those babies!

New Year's is something oddly strange this year...
If you think about its the day for a new year but only because the earth starts another cycle around the sun neh? However, as students and i guess most adults, we actually follow a rather different calendar than the calenders we use. We follow a bi-calender or even a quad-calendar of the seasons more than anything. And so even though New Year's Day marks a new year..it really doesnt have that much meaning because really we don't start something new or feel any different where as each change of the seasons there is some difference felt.
On that note, I have had a recent shock to my system. I realize now how much people are scared of change because even though I have accepted change..I didn't notice until one change that was pretty eminent from the start now has become more solidified. For more on that matter, you can talk to me personally because this is something I can't go into much detail.
Anyhow that shock has also disrupted some of my stabilities and feel pretty much unstable now. Of course I am speaking metaphorically and its amazing the power of metaphors but yah I guess it is expected that I should be unstable. Don't know how my brother will handle this "earthquake" but that really is something I cannot say.
So this new year's (and right now I don't care about grammar so please excuse it) I feel has somehow become that much more of new beginning than anything else. I will definitely be counting and praising God for my blessings. I don't know what my new year's resolution is except I now have more reasons than one to continue to strive for my goals, dreams, and aspirations and live with courage,hope,honesty, etc than before. I feel also guilty for not realizing those things sooner but I guess it couldn't be helped. One thing I will say is that I will need all my friends this year to help me get through this. It really is something turbulent and scary...atleast for me. So I give much love to my friends because they mean the world to me and I can never really show how much I appreciate you/them all!

Soo...its been 5 days since I have arrived home. Things are better. I am trying to be less angry with them for not understanding me. Yet I know it will be hard for any of them except my brother to understand me but he has been through the same as me. Ahh..I love my brother...he's the only one who understands me the most. He is too serious though to understand my carefree and spirited ways. My mother is too conservative to understand my liberal ways, she's also too scared of me becoming this radical liberal because of my friends but I think that you have to see or experience everything before you can form an opinion. Thats why I got so upset when my mom badmouthed my anime/manga hobby because she heard someone say it gives kids bad messages, when in fact, God has spoken to me through them. She reminds me of my church and why it bans certain books *ahem*The DiVinci Code*cough* because they are scared of people takign them seriously. My dad is a realist and so he always worries about the future and keeps telling me what is my plan but all this time really I have been depending on God to guide me to where I should be and so far he hasn't led me astray. If you think about, almost all my major decisions as a "major" have been made haphazardly to some extent. Ha. This is also a bit why me and my brother don't get along all that well, but I think he understands why. He has been there with me through the most tortorous times I have had and he sees (I think) the strength it takes to stay so positive and optomistic and still be able to laugh. I just wish they would understand me more but oh well.
*sighs* Being stuck home, not that I don't like being home, isn't all that great. I like to think of myself as an eagle and imagine myself with wings, because I feel like a bird caged in when I can't go outside and have fun. It's quite muffling to my spirits so instead I have divulged myself into books and listening to music while I read. *sighs* I love reading! Haha...when I was little I used to not get why reading was so fun but then again nobody ever introduced me to such good books as the Chronicles of Narnia..I actually discovered them through a book club/group that I was in in this chat forum. Well I haven't been to that forum in a while. It just doesn't interest me that much but sometimes it is still fun to go and talk to people with interests like me. Eeek..its almost Christmas...and I am wishing for a white Christmas here at home.

I recieved an A- in my World Arch class! Awesomeness! Now I am just waiting on my basic japanese class. My Japanese teacher also emailed me back saying that she did have to delay posting the grades because of a seriously sick student. She told me I had an A- in that class thought. Sweet! So that means I have received all As in my classes except in dumb Calculus.
This makes me want to go out and jump and down for excitement!

Can I just say my God is an awesome God!
I just found out that I passed my Calculus class with a C+ ...thats better than I did in my Trig class. I also got an A+ in my English 102 class which means my portfolio was freaking awesome and I managed to impress that darn portfolio comittee! Hip hip hurrah! Hip hip Hurray!Hip hip hurraaaay!
I can breathe easier now. I just hope I did well in my last two classes which I should but since I may have missed one too many classes in them...I dont know. We will see how that goes. For now I will continue to celebrate my recent grade additions!

Who ever heard of winter cleaning? Why must I clean my room today? I am hyper and yet I am not using this spare energy to clean my room. *Sighs*...why am I sighing?...Oh yah because I don't want to clean my room and I know I have to. Darn..apparently I still have yet to grow up and be responsible, but I dont want to grow up ..I want to stay a kid at heart atleast in the good way.

In other news, I turned in my calculus materials and English book and recieved 110 dollars! So I am no longer completely broke except in my bank account. I also have yet to get a job and doesn't appear I will have a job soon. Life has yet to regain its order for me. Well, I am glad though that I will be able to see my brother atlast! I haven't seen him in so long. I am going to try and weird him out like only a sister can, hehehe! It will be hard and awkward though with my parents there but I won't let that stop me from having my fun with my brother.

Snowflakes and shopping bags...
What do they have in common?
Christmas time!
I love Christmas because
Since I am a nostalgic person
I love the sense of good memories flooding back
I don't know what exactly it is
About this time of year
Except that my heart seems to grow
As big as the Grinch's did
On Christmas day.

Heh...why am I even writing this blog in poem format? I dont know. I have lost my mind. I think my attention span has decreased because I was talking to my friend on the phone recently and I started playing with these magnets I found and when I saw that two magnets were repelling each other...I was like hey I remember learning about that law of (insert title). Heh, I am such a nerd. I love to learn and I don't mind my friends explaining things they learned especially not when it's a certain friend (looks at friends' faces with a smirk).
Anyhow the semester is over and it feels wierd. I couldn't sleep last night for the first time even though I didn't have anything to do. I was just laying there on my bed thinking...wow I can't believe the fall semester is over and just reflecting back on the semester and what great times I have had. At the same time, I was also anxious for tomorrow to come even though I really didnt have anything planned for tomorrow. Well, I did do some more Christmas shopping and now I have no more money left in my savings account...waaa. I spent over 200 dollars on presents for friends and I am still not done buying presents for all my friends. I know its crazy and that I really don't have to buy them presents but I really want to. I really need to get a job. I asked at the Papergami store down central (I love that store) if they would be hiring any time soon and they said no. Darn..I really wanted to work there. They have such lovely papers there. Ahh, I love doing crafts. I am soo going to learn to knit this semester and then Maggie has decided that she wants to learn to cook as well so ...we are going to learn to cook! Hurrah!
Well, all in all, I think this will be a good Christmas break! I feel so blessed to have such awesome friends and I just can't help but sing praise (and I do mean sing praise because I will randomly break out singing whatever I am thinking) to God for all He has given me. I can't wait for what He has in hold for me in the future (grammar?).

Yay! It snowed last night and I got to see the actual snow falling because I was up all night typing my blasted world arch. final. I finally got it done and now I can rest somewhat easy...atleast until grades get posted. Swing dancing here I come. Too bad the snow had to melt somewhat. I just want to have a white christmas where you can actually play with and on the snow. Is that soo much to ask for? I guess so. Anyhow I took my celebration nap as soon as I got back from turning in my paper. Now all I need to do is clean my room....uggh its soo messy, I don't know how I managed to live and study in this room at all.

Christmas is here! Woohoo! However this one last hurdle I must jump over is way too high and I am too exhausted to focus well on getting over it. I miss my home and I need my sleep yet here I am typing this blog instead of focusing on that hurdle. Uggh...what is wrong with me? I just am avoiding it, I guess. Well, I will try hard once this is over. I will celebrate tomorrow with swingdancing! Yes and maybe even some Christmas shopping...which means for my friends that they get presents. Yes, I love to shop for myself and others ...the giving bug has been living in me for a while now...even if I do waste all my money left on presents...I think it is worth it. Afterall, I love my friends dearly and want to show them how much I appreciate them. Ohh...but how I must overcome this hurdle first. Well my first blog. If you must know more about me ..then you can check me out on myspace but that will be another blog. Toodles.