Wake me up when September ends...

This September has been a hard month to get through and through it I managed to survive despite various things that threatened to rain misery on me. I didn't, however, not escape from some days of misery.

To start it off, I ended up mis-budgeting my money once again but do to a haircut and treatment, I was already close to finishing up my budget at the start of the month. Two weeks later and I had maxed out my credit card. Fortunately my parents are generous and have some money alloted for food in my rent budget that I could fall back on. So I lasted another week with money for food. Eating out is definitely expensive but it has been hard to try and find time to make my own lunch to school and even then some days I don't get back till late at night so I may as well make dinner too. I haven't been able to go to either the farmers' markets or the groceries. So it has been a month of seeing what I had and what I can make. Well as if that weren't already hard, my microwave broke down mid-month and so now we can't reheat food without having to wait at least 30 min in the oven and using glass oven-ware - it sounds easy but then it means extra dishes to wash and I already was nagged about putting glass in the sink (that I was soaking) once. So it has been by the grace of God that I have been able to eat food via friends' generosities and that of finding free food. I have been humbled and am not too picky about my food. Some days I eat straight up tuna sandwiches that the same roommate that nagged me about the glass in the sink has looked at me in disdain and grotesqueness about but hey I am hungry and poor and it tastes good enough for me.

So as if being hungry and nearly broke for the month weren't enough. I have had a streak of bad luck in parking. I suppose this could have been avoided had I been able to wake up early and just go biking down to campus but when some nights you get back at 11 and you still have some HW to do, its not always possible to go to sleep early to wake up early. I am especially sleepiest in the mornings. Yet I was running late one time and decided to park at McDonald's for the morning and ended up getting fined 60 dollars. I also had my car broken into one evening when parked behind Frontier. The second time I got fined for parking at Frontier for the first time ever. Yup so whatever few dollars I was trying to save have been spent on parking.

Whatever pride was left before has been completely taken away. I have been resorted to being a poor college student except for nice housing. I have been humbled and blessed at the same time. I survived it and I feel a bit wiser now as to managing my expenses. I am truly trying to cut down on my expenses. I may end up getting a job at Talin to start getting some income. Speaking of jobs, I didn't get the previous job I had applied for on campus. So that was also another loss this month. As you can see, a lot happened in September and there were days where I was really upset and was just needed to get some quiet time/space but having roommates didn't really help sometimes. Other times they did but it is just hard to compromise sometimes and deal with others. I don't like talking about my miseries because I don't want pity and I don't want to attract attention. Sometimes all I want is some peace of mind and rest of body or TLC. I will sulk, be anti-social the days that I am just having life come at me and wish that I could come home to that peace and quiet without having to deal with nagging of any kind and even sometimes noise. I am one who loves silence contrary the general public that needs constant noise. It was one of the things I came to enjoy about living in my own apartment.

Prelude to a Beginning and End

The end of summer has finally come and while I don't know how ready I am for school semester to start, I also feel that I am excited it for it once again. I have already succeeded in summer school, I worked my hardest and enjoyed the class and did as well as I can manage. So now I have to repeat that whole process. This summer was also one of the best summers I have had and I am not sure where in lies the reason for that. One reason I guess is that I managed to spend some good quality time with my family in Northern New Mexico without much arguing and this week will continue to do so as I head to Austin to see my brother. In some ways, it seems God has been answering my prayers or maybe I have been answering my own prayers. It hasn't been easy and there were days I just wanted to quit and days were my faith was so much at question but fortunately I wasn't alone in these faith struggles, I had C.S.Lewis to help me through it and God certainly was there too.
This summer was also filled with quite a bit of weddings, four to be exact and one more still to come and two next summer already in the works. At the end of the summer, there were some hookups as well. I was not immune to the workings to Cupid but I am a stubborn woman and well I have finally come to enjoy my single-hood and wasn't about to give it up so easily and especially not so quickly. I have enjoyed hanging out with my friends this summer with no worries about having to tell someone about it. I have been more social than I ever was and well I am grateful for it after last year's desert of solitude. I feel some of the best friendships have been established and I am ever so thankful for them. This summer has been proof that God is listening to my prayers. While not all my prayers have been answered, I have faith they will be in due and proper time.
So I should be packing for Austin, I nearly didn't go but I have a strong feeling that I need to be with them. I have especially missed my older brother and he will soon be married so it will be good to spend more time with my soon-to-be-sister-in-law as well. While my family isn't perfect and pretty dis-functional at times, still it is all I have and I couldn't wish for another family. They are my own blood after all and I know I haven't been perfect either but their love is still strong for me and I find that to be sufficient for me. It is in loving one another and accepting our mistakes that we are made perfect in love. So I am willing to submit my ego in exchange for that love because without that love I would be miserable.

So one thing I struggle with and even though I know it is all lies from within and without the scar is still there, the damage is done. I cannot look in the mirror without realizing how tainted my vision has become. I do not see myself for me but I see what the world has taught me to believe. I see unbalance, I see tiredness, I see a person that is not perfect. No matter that all my friends think I am hot and beautiful. Those words while uplifting do not stick to me. I simply cannot see it.

Oh I know there is no such thing as perfect. I think in these college years, I have learned the best way to look good is to not be self-conscious but be completely oblivious to your appearance and just enjoy yourself in any state. Nobody likes hearing about how you are not happy with certain areas - we all are that way. Even super models struggle with it themselves. Who doesn't? I guess some hide this fact better than others. I just don't want to look at myself some days. I am not the best makeup artist. Everyone, however, enjoys laughing about your embarrassing moments and let's face it humor is dang sexy! So I know I can't see myself perfectly even if I tried, we all have tainted eyes - that is what sin is, but if we let our friends speak for us then they are better judges than ourselves. They see us for who we really are and can tell when we aren't being true to ourselves. I make do with what I have but the fact is that I was broken long ago. The time when I should have been strengthened was the time I was beaten down and implied my lowliness and uselessness. They may deny such things but the evidence speaks for itself. Do you think I would purposely alter my past to such extent? If I could I would certainly not have it be so but it is as such and I can only accept it and try to learn from it rather than repress it and let it control me.

However much my past makes me, I know I can choose not to let it control my future. I have been told I am borderline depressed. Borderline because I know that I am not always the most "happiest" person - especially currently with my struggling grades but I also know that if I stop working for my goals and if I give up then thats when I really lose. I also know that I have a lot more strength than most because I can fight these feelings of despair. I know I have to stay positive and after all I have been through most people see me as quite a cheerful person. This is something that I work hard everyday at being. Not that it's fake but in just being positive. There are days where I am struggling the most - the days that I need to be left alone and just be and do nothing except meditate on being outside myself. I get so overwhelmed, otherwise, that my head feels like it will explode. I think I have had too many demands placed on me from others and not enough time to just be myself. Anyhow I don't stay depressed much. I let it sink in for a day and the next day I resolve to continue striving to improve myself the next day and work towards my goal. In the end, thats all that really matters is not giving up. However, it does help if people stop expecting us to fail and do start helping us to succeed as well as stop pointing our mistakes but instead point out where we have succeeded. There is nothing worse than people who expect you to fail or who don't push you. It is a fine line though between too much and too little. Somehow God hits the spot just right. He always pushes me even though I don't think I can, He says I can and even grants me His strength to keep going. When I feel overwhelmed some days, God helps me to ground myself and see the forest for the trees and other epiphanies to get through the days. It is God who helped me out of my black hole and gave me my worth and therefore I will always belong to Him. I live my life for Him. He is my one and only Valentine and the only one who has been there for me even when I didn't believe in Him and who knows me better than me. He loves me even when I fail and never holds it against me but always believes in me.

So lately I find myself wishing more and more to be as seperate from my family as possible. I cannot take my parents anymore either one. They both are refusing to let me go and be my own and as a result I am wanting to shock them into it. How should I shock them you ask?
I think a bit of rebellious liberalness and such is under order. Images of vaudeville circuses and venetian carnivales come to mind and my imagination flourishes with such unusual appearances with their audacity and obnoxiousness as well as superfluousness.
In my love of art and life, I appreciate all things even if they may strike the conservative as repulsive and offensive but if they be so, the more I like it. Though there is a limit to just how much of it is; but for me, it is all about being unique and nonconformist and rebelling against society and the rules and regulations imposed within it.
I think God created a world where we were not to fall under legalistic conformity but to celebrate differences and uniqueness, to laugh and cry all at the same time, but we are so stubborn to change and to things that are comfortable, that to see the unusual causes us to be defensive and to close ourselves to true freedom.

How should I show my mother that she cannot keep seeing me as an innocent person who is easily stepped on but by being as contrary to her wishes. To go the extreme may seem well extreme but when a person is set in their mind even the obvious may not be obvious and you have to be blatantly obnoxious to snap them out. I love her but she is so closed minded and I refuse to follow her judgmental personality and be open to change and the unexpected. Perhaps its not me but it may also be that I just need to step out of my own comfort zone and be free of the fear of judgement and say the heck with it, I will be who I am and I don't care what you think.

No Choice

I will choose to laugh
To remember the good
Though the bad is right alongside it

These may be sad times
But the storm will pass
And everything will fade
Into a background of life

I choose not to despair
To hold onto the hope that is Christ
A hope that promises me
Everything I want and more

I cannot turn back
The road before me is all I can see
If I keep walking
I will eventually arrive
At my final place of resting

I may get there alone and
Beaten and battered
Weather worn and tired
But once there the burden
Will be but a distant memory.

One week of this inevitable estrangement has passed and all the more I am wearied and just do not want to think about it. In the end, I tried so hard and got so far...never though that line would suddenly be meaningful again in my life and yet it is. I am so tired of this, I keep trying to avoid chaos but it seems God just keeps pointing out the bad in them. I wanted space first to avoid this, yet God saw I couldn't keep my promise and made it so there was no if's and but's, just doing. I am hurt and angry about it. I don't believe I did anything wrong.
I am sorry if telling someone that I like them screws them up but I really don't like to mess around with everything else. I did that last time and look what happened. I don't need my emotions to be toyed with until they decide. I need them to decide and then act. I need guys to be men instead of boys.
I never understood why some women prefer boys to girls. Perhaps I am jaded because I have never encountered a guy who wasn't a boy besides my brother. I have lived with a father who never could mature. It is enough for me. Oh I know that there are good men out there and that boys aren't all that bad but when it comes to relations - boys are terrible. They are still not brave enough to encounter the unknown and rather stick to their comfortable safe and secure ways. Perhaps I am just bitter but I have every reason to be at this moment.

Is it so scary just to have someone admit to you that they like you. Frankly I had a friend I knew liked me but though it did make me nervous, I didn't go out of my way to avoid him. I didn't lead him on either but I didn't cancel appointments. I just acted as best as I could. He did, however, not call me much though granted he never really did pursue me. I don't pursue people either if I know they don't like me. I try my best, I am honest,and I don't act unless I know where I am headed. I guess I maybe just too ahead of everyone else. I know I am not perfect and I have my flaws but I try my best everyday not to step on other's feelings. If I couldn't develop feelings for someone, don't you think I would but as it is, I don't think it's entirely bad to have feelings for someone either. It just means that I find you attractive and want to spend more time with you. However, I am past the point of wanting to make out - oh, sure that sounds fun and all but I am after a more deep relationship other than just the physical. I just want someone to talk to who I can relate. Even if you don't find me attractive, is it so hard to be my friend? Why is it that I suddenly become the enemy when you won't even hear me out. What are you so afraid that I will do to you? I am no witch; it was you that cast the spell. I respect your choice and I will ensure I don't trespass it. I have learned from more than one source never to hold my breath for someone. It's not worth it anyhow. I don't go for people who can't see me for me.

For my friend who I love and would want nothing more than for her to reach her dreams. Wherever you may be, may God's love abide in your heart and warm your soul.

Emotions mixing.
Cold setting in.
Pain receding.
Truth emerging.

Friends laughing and eating
All merry and jolly
Good food, good times
Yet one empty seat remains.

Oh that I could fill it
With everything that is good
So that even the bad
Would be overwhelmed
And least affected
Would you be.

My wishes go out to you
This most jolly night
The tears and blood shed
If only they were yours
Not mine
And your pain were gone.

My pain is nothing
If only you would be healed
Praying for you ceaselessly
Believing endlessly

Pain and laughter mixing
God watches over us all
Giving us rest and nourishment
Hope in times of chaos
Love when most needed
Encouragement for all

If I could just
Show you how great is His love
That your pain would recede
The fire restarted
And joy overwhelming
A holy day it would be indeed!

How do you know when you are ready for a relationship? It isn't about being passionate about someone. Emotions are things that cannot be controlled but we can choose how we react to them.

Somehow I thought I was over my heartbreak from last spring but almost all October I was sick with a cold and possibly pneumonia. During the time I spent home in bed recovering, I started becoming depressed and one of the depressing memories I had was about my heartbreak in spring. It wasn't just that I had fallen for him and he had rejected me but it was three shots to my heart. The first was the obvious rejection which if it had simply been that I would have been okay but then I realized later that I was rejected for someone 8 years my younger, someone still in high school. I had remembered reading "high school" but since I was already suffering from the first shock, my mind blocked it. The third and hardest of all for me to take was the avoidance that followed that week. I felt as if my friendship was worth nothing to him, that I had just been plan B, I still don't understand why he couldn't just tell me straight up. The general opinion and view is that it was plain immaturity (i.e. stupidity in my mind).
The funny thing is that my emotions aren't helping me deal with it. Having a heartbreak hasn't stopped me from developing feelings for someone else. Fortunately right now my reason is stronger and I know that I can't really be in a relationship until I am completely healed. While I maybe past the pain, I definitely don't feel like my old self. If you take the analogy that my heart is a glass object, right now I feel put back together but not as strong - still quite fragile. So lately, knowing the only way I can heal is through God, I have been just thirsting for God's presence and love in my life. I just feel like I haven't had enough of it lately. I get thirsty but when I drink water, I realize my thirst isn't thirst for water but for spiritual refreshment.
I think my main problem is that I want to fastforward the healing process but God doesn't work that way and neither does my heart. I think before I can be in a relationship I have to restore myself, make sure I am happy where I am at and part of that includes reaching the goals I set when I came to college -study abroad, architecture- until I am confident in myself again and not unhappy, I shouldn't and won't date.

Last hurdle coming at me...

So lately, I have been growing but in doing so, I have also been ambushed by memories that I blocked from my childhood. Well, it wasn't so much block as just forgot-forgot the real reason for the pain behind the memories. Revisiting those memories have been anything but pleasant, but they also are a part of who I am. I am in the process of coming to terms with everything that I am both painful and not, but it is something that needs time. Since I have also as of late not been able to sleep very well, it has made everything 10x more difficult to deal with these memories. Though, I think this is the last hurdle I need to overcome in order to overcome my current slump. This must be the real deal because even when I assume I am fine, my body tells me otherwise and tears reappear with the reopened wound. Part of what is so difficult to overcome this last hurdle is that the pain comes not from the actual event but from feeling isolated and alone and not having the pain recognized by those who need to recognize it. Also, these memories span my entire childhood because it isn't a single event but it is the feelings that I had as I grew up. Re-examining my memories of those times, I see how I ignored them, blocked them by television and other means but clearly they were still there.

Even as I come to terms with myself, I don't lose hope but I am ever more confident that I will overpass it all with flying colors and come out above the rest. For now I need time and space to deal with it; until I can recall these memories without pain, I feel I cannot face the culprits of the responsible ones. It may hurt them but sometimes people need to be hurt in order to see truth. I have realized that sometimes being a pacifist in this world does not help. To survive in this world, you need to be able to see both sides, keep your head clear, and be able to take advantage of weaknesses on both sides. There is nothing gained if you let yourself become the weakest but there is all to gain in hiding your wisdom.

I keep learning new things by revelation from God because even if there is discussion among friends, not everyone learns the same thing or hears the same thing.
So I know that soon this will be over; I am outgrowing the things I once could not bear to live without. I know that I have a purpose because it is only for that purpose that I am here and living and I will continue on through hard and good times until I achieve my purpose.

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize you did something so excruciatingly stupid and you wonder why you didn't catch yourself? I have lately been having those moments. So much so, that when my boss gave me a strict scolding, I ended up crying not because I was scared or what not but because I felt like I just let myself down more than her. So when I recently came up on some im conversations with my ex-crush, I couldn't help feel sad but as I read on I realized I was fighting a losing battle and that I should have just conceded when I started feeling it. Well, I am learning to let go now; wondering if I should let people suffer through some of my good and not so good poems. Well, here it is more for my amusement than any other person.

Unwinding

Fighting to keep you
Knowing you are leaving
What to do
Must I do

Time slips by
We are aging
Changing
Day by day
Inside and out

Soon there is no goodbye
Just space and time
Ever increasing
Between us
Memories blurring
Good and bad remembered

Yet reading your words
How foolish was I
And kind you were
If I could just
Admit defeat

Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I laugh
Sometimes
Things aren't always
How I wish they were

I keep on struggling
With the tide of life
Near and far
Sinking and floating

When will this game end
When will I be free
To control my emotions
I hate that I can't
Be always who I want to be

I have the lifesaver
Yet there is no end
To this ocean
Hopes created and crushed
Endless beating sun
When can I stand
On solid ground again

Seen and Unseen

The rain continues to fall
As time slips by fingers
And my heart continues to beat

With its downpour
So pours out my soul
My thoughts
My sadness
My pain

But when it clears
So the sun comes out
The plants renewed
The desert quenched
No longer a desert
But an oasis from the sun

Scorched and burned
Tired and despaired
But the rain has come
And the tears washed away
Soon I will find the river
That leads to the forest
The forest to the people
The people to my destination

For now I will
But stand and embrace
All that was and is
Renewed by what is to come
The rain quenches everything
Seen and unseen

Letting Go and Starting New

So I finally got to see a counselor and it was good. I didn't break down this time like last though there were a few times when mentioning some painful parts of my past that I felt like I was. We talked about my sleeping habits and how I could work on them and we also talked about how I handle my family currently. I have scheduled another meeting next week and one after that week too. Oddly enough, I feel like my counselor is almost like a confessor. She has told me some stuff I already knew but that I just needed to be told.
Anyhow I have gotten to the last section of Far Pavilions and as I was reading it, I came to the same conclusion that Ashton came to. I feel I need to let go of my past and start living my own life - a new life. I think that's what I need to work out with my counselor. I feel that it is about time that I should but letting go of anything is hard let alone your past and your childhood. I know I have to step out into adulthood and start making sacrifices but I guess I am afraid of turning out to be like my parents or family. I don't want to be sucked into a life I don't like.
One of those sacrifices is cutting back on my expenses. I am in a little bit of debt but it will eventually be paid off. I just can't buy any luxuries. I have to have a set sleep schedule as well. I have to really study this semester.
I have made up my mind. I have decided that when I graduate I will work with the government. As much as I don't like politics or bureaucracy, I don't think I would like to be a teacher after I graduate because then I wouldn't have much travel experience. Working with the government, it wouldn't be too much but it would be a lot more than it is for a teacher. I can't give up on traveling. I will not give any chance to regret. This way if it doesn't work out at least I will have tried and not be wondering forever.
Really, I know I can accomplish whatever I set out to do. I just have to focus on one thing. For now, that one thing will be graduating with foreign languages degree. Well, even before that, to improving my Japanese so that I can study abroad for a year in Japan. It will be hard to cut back on other hours maybe of hanging out with friends or watching TV or whatever but I am ready to shed that skin so to speak. I am tired of being a dragon and ready to begin afresh.
Anyhow, I know that I won't ever really get anywhere with my family until I accomplish all I have set out to do, until I prove to them that I can live without having to join the muck of the world so to speak. They don't believe me and they won't so I have to go about by myself. I have to find my own peace. I can't settle until I have lived out my journey. It's okay that I am single. I won't be ready to have anyone in my life until I find myself once again. I got lost amongst friends, amongst the need to be accepted, but now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and face hardships and obstacles without faltering back. I need to learn to not blame myself so much and just do it as Nike likes to point out. It is long due but then I had no one to help me realize this. I only had parents who doubted me and intercede in my own battles rather than let me learn.

Now I know I like to travel around and generally felt like a nomad but this summer is turning out to be a nomadic summer. I feel like I have been going from place to place even if I happen to have stayed at one place longer than a week.

First off, my apartment was supposed to be ready yesterday but there was a delay and I was told that it wouldn't be ready until this weekend. However, as the old saying goes, the best laid plans of mice and men don't always go according to plan. So today, I got a call and it turns out that there is another new delay and this time I wasn't given even a move-in date...at least I wouldn't be told until Monday.

Secondly, after living with Marcie, Jessie and Brett for about a month. They found out that they were breaching their contract by letting me stay there longer than a week. So last weekend I was 'graciously told I had to find another friend to move in with' for what was then supposed to be the week before my move-in. So now I am staying at Rachel's house and will have to let them know that my move-in date has been delayed once again. Granted, I completely understand their situation and did feel like tensions were starting to rise but I think what was hardest to swallow was that I didn't feel like they were sad to see me go. I felt forgotten as a new friend moved in, one that could possibly classified as a best friend. Okay, I admit, I was jealous but I didn't let it show. I understood my place - but that doesn't mean I accepted it. Well, what do you expect from friends you've only known for three years?
I don't know anymore. I am truly thankful for their kindness in letting me stay for as long as I did. I just felt like I wasn't really appreciated or accepted.

I don't know how to take this. On the one hand, it has been a blessing to be with friends constantly but I am getting tired of having to move from one place to the next with three-fourths of my stuff in storage and no internet access on the weekends. Really, it gets frustrating to keep having that hope bashed. On the other hand, it has kept my parents at bay and it looks like they probably won't be able to help me move in because that date is so tentative that when I finally do find out that I can move-in they will be busy. Yet, even though I should call them up and tell them it's been delayed; I don't want my dad calling the property manager again. That was way too horrifying to find out that somebody just can't call me and ask me and is prying once again into my life that I want separate.

Yes, I still feel angry at my parents. For several reasons, one because they truly did disappoint me in my childhood and I was severely let down. Second, because they can't seem to live my life they way I want to yet I know once I am financially independent I will be able to stop that. Third, though it may well be tied to the first reason, is that one disappoint really was just traumatizing. I think my parents traumatized me way too much and as soon as I get over one trauma another seems to appear. I really should go see a therapist but I haven't been able to remember as well as being lazy. These things just occur at the most bothersome hour when you really can't do anything about it. If only I could just call my therapist.

I think I am generally confused this summer. I am happy that I am with friends but at the same time I really want a place of my own. I want to move into my apartment already! Secondly, as much as I know I should spend some time with my family, I still hesitate to answer the phone when they call as well as when I know I have to call them. I think the hesitation is due to the fact that for a while they kept bugging me about my graduation plans and wouldn't stop asking it and so I really got frustrated with it. I had planned to go home for the Fourth of July weekend but then I was going to move in on Saturday supposedly. When I found out I couldn't, I was a bit glad. I know my bff will be sad as well. I could still go home but I don't want to, not until I am finally settled in my apt. This really has been a trying summer.

On one happy note, I am thoroughly enjoying my art class though still having difficulties in the morning. I love it because I feel like I get along with everyone in the class and have even made some friends. Sometimes I feel like when I am drawing , I am complete. It isn't always easy but I know I can't stop. Work has been great as well. I definitely feel accepted even if most of the workstudies already graduated. I rally am confused because there are things that I am definitely glad for but there are things I am equally upset about this summer. What is one ever to do to keep from losing sanity?!?!

I don't know...

Today I got done with all my finals. I don't feel relieved but at the same time I am aware of my own failings within the finishing the semester category. I know I could have done better but somewhere along the line, something put me forever behind and I couldn't keep up.
I skipped work because I was so tired after staying up late to study and then turned in my apartment application and on the way to the honors convocation - to sell flowers for Mortar Board because I am not yet graduating - I got lost. I ended up literally driving in circles and passing the same crowded intersection twice where an accident happened even though I tried to avoid that same intersection. It was weird because I knew where I was but I couldn't figure out if I was heading in the right direction or how to circle back and once again I was lost and running on low fuel. Well I made it, only half an hour later than I should have been. I don't know. I think I am just trying to be happy that I am done with my finals.
I got back and watched Grey's Anatomy online, which afterwards I found myself crying because I realized something about my situation. I realized that my mom had never believed in real love. She thought all love was conflicting and not true. She said there was no such thing as a perfect family. Yet I know of a few such families. I wonder if the no perfect families happen because people sell themselves short, sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't think you will get it so you settle for less and then you refuse to work on the relationship because you don't think it will get better. I for one refuse to sell my self short. I believe that there is such thing as true love and I am willing to wait for it. I will not give up my fairy tales. I believe that as long as we believe in something, it will come true.
So I got to thinking about why I am struggling now. I remembered the times when my father didn't support me in any of my endeavors: choir, speech and debate, tennis lessons. I thought about how they really weren't good examples and how I basically spent my days unhappy and lonely. Yes, I divulged myself in that misery but I realized I need to see a therapist.
I think this deep seated loneliness and the fact that I can't sit down and focus is due to my boredom and the fact that nobody ever told me to do better. Sure, I had my older brother who tried but only half-heartedly and therefore succeeded in getting me angry and hence do the opposite. Yeah, it seems people always doubt me and when I succeed they deny it. I think I really wish I could unassociated myself from my family. There is still much anger. I guess that is why I am attracted to my friend because he does believe in me and he pushes me when I feel I can't. He is sort of like a mentor I never had. I also think that he feels a need to be better at least better than his brother. I can understand but I don't know where to go from here. I don't know anything anymore. I just know that I am unhappy with my own family. I blame them for where I am at now.
I don't know if I like my friend but I really am glad for his support and company. I think I really am just wanting some company as well as someone to believe me. I don't think I could really like him unless he really liked me, unless he saw something that made him want to be with me. He isn't really my ideal type but that ideal has fluctuated these last few years. I think right now, all that really matters is that he is a decent guy who is willing to come to church with me and is madly in love with me and will protect me no matter what. The one thing that should matter most to me fluctuates as well between being madly in love with me and simply having that deep connection. Perhaps those two things should be equal or whether you really should wait for it or what. I don't know anything anymore.
That's how its been. I don't know what is going on or why I struggle so much. I don't know. I just want to move on and leave my past behind except my past includes my family. Maybe I am wrong in my thinking but that I cannot tell. How can one psychoanalyze oneself without being biased or letting their imagination go wild in the blank spaces between memories?

I find it amazing that sometimes God can speak to me through the media that I read and watch. I mean even when I read my manga, I find that God speaks to me and encourages me. Watching Lord of the Rings tonight with the Hobbit Society, I learned that it is not through my own strength that I continue but through God's that I am able to stay positive after all that has happened this week. It was an incredibly despairing week and the only reason I am still optimistic is because I know it will get better. I know that this is only the end of the beginning. God really was great because I feel so blessed to have the friends I do. They cheer me up so much so that it doesn't matter that this week I got dealt with bad news each day. Just knowing that I am appreciated and that my ideas are welcome are great. Perhaps thats why I love college so much because it is a place of discussion and your co-workers are your friends and they share the same ideas. I meet people everyday that think like me and thus I talk with and grow and learn together. This is something I lacked at home; even with my brother, he could never understand that I needed someone to talk with and share ideas. So it was hard to take the fact that I didn't get into Scribendi this year but now I can take a class with my friend which will be better. I won't give up. I will improve.
So I am pursuing foreign languages, but I discovered through my manga,how much I really want to go to Japan. I want to learn to speak it fluently, make friends there, and teach English there. I want to travel around and I don't care if it puts me into debt and behind in school. For the experience, it is totally worth it. This is my definition of success. I know my friends are graduating and I am still behind but I make new friends this way. I live my life according to my own terms and not that of the world's.
As I work on my honor's final project, I couldn't help but cry. Thinking of how our culture is such a consumer culture. I mean we really buy clothes because of the name and not the quality. I think we are very close to just selling our soul for status. If that day ever comes, I think even the prostitutes might be better off than us. Status is such a power struggle and all I wonder is what good does status do us. It can neither buy us love nor happiness nor friends. Sometimes it even comes between that and us. True beauty isn't store bought or universal but it is when things are left untouched and natural. We can put on so much make up but after a while it just becomes a mask and unnatural - think of Michael Jackson's nose. Even a slightly crooked nose is better than a fake one. It is just sad that people can't see their own beauty but try to look like someone they aren't.

When the storm comes rolling in...so to speak.

Sometimes a storm come unexpectedly, or so some people think but I think usually it is because we keep hoping that it won't rain, expecting that slight of a miracle to happen and when it doesn't happen, we deny that we were ever hoping for it. Most of the time, I can tell if there is a storm heading this way - though in the desert at my home, it seemed like it rained everywhere but there - because there is the usual wind gusts before the storm and the smell of water in the air. Some people who have lived without the meteorologist and all his fancy devices for predicting weather have been able to predict weather on their own. There are even those people whose joints swell up when there is rain on its way.
Today was one of those days when the storm hit for me but somehow I was prepared. I had been expecting it to come, but it came in differently than I expected it and so I was caught a bit off guard. Then again, I kind of provoked the storm with a slip of the tongue. I hadn't even been thinking about what I said, it just came out all wrong but somehow I managed to keep the tension low. There was still a lightning strike of pain but I was grounded enough so that it didn't hurt too much. I took too my drawing to keep me distracted from the thoughts that kept bubbling in of humiliation, of sounding completely unwise, of sadness. No, I wouldn't let those thoughts in - just as yesterday I had thoughts of anger and resentment and felt like I had been done an injustice. So I did what any other shopaholic did - I went shopping, but with a specific purpose/goal in mind. I went and I got some comedy DVDs, one luxury clothing item, a few needed items, and chocolate. There had been some showers before the storm in which I discovered leaks in my roof so to speak. When I got home, I just spent the day watching the comedy DVDs and boy did I laugh. I got one of my favorite movies (though I have a lot of favorite movies) and I ate chocolate knowing I would feel better without a thought about calories and such. Yes, yesterday, last night was a night of de-stressing and resting and healing. So today, after running around Johnson Field, I improved but at the cost of doing only one mile of running (before I ended up throwing up, unfortunately), I went to class and I doodled as if it was the most important thing. I ended up discovering a creative thought which I will flesh out later but mainly I couldn't let my mind free to think what it wanted. I needed to keep it busy. I channeled all the negative I was feeling into my hands into my pen and onto the paper. Sometimes that is how you breakthrough your barriers by just doing things repetitively until you have a realization - until you see the trees for the forest so to speak.
I still feel the pain from the lightening strike but it is much more subdued. Mainly because it didn't strike me hard but was grounded in more ways than one - by creativity, by my drive to find wisdom, by my pride and so forth - but also because I found God was understanding of how no matter how much I want to deny the pain, I also need to accept it. He spoke to me of how even when you can't understand why when you think God is punishing you, he is really disciplining you, preparing you for the long journey ahead - that the way things are are actually for the better. I hung out and had some good conversations with a few friends that I normally don't get to see much. I was really glad that they were with me and had approached me and that we had stuff to share. For instance, my friend Jonah, totally made me feel better about throwing up after running today. He made me feel cool because throwing up, in his mind, shows how hard I was pushing myself on the field this morning. That really cheered me up. I felt glad that I had friend like those few who I saw today. Hopefully, the rest of the day will be like that. Thank God, God had made it for those friends to be available for talking today because it really took a load off my mind.
Perhaps because I had always looked to God during those most difficult times in life or because I don't deny my emotions but accept them as part of being human and part of the process of maturing and finding wisdom it is that I was able to have an afternoon as I have so far had. I don't know but I definitely thank God for the blessing of my friends. Even amidst the chaos of my life currently, I am able to find peace with my turmoil. It's not easy, admitting that you can't rock climb well or have low endurance or struggle with school but admitting it, is the first step to overcoming these obstacles and triumphing over them. It makes sense, but you can't find the sense until you actually do it and keep going and not stop. Just as if you want to improve your running, you just need to keep running even when your chest is heaving and your heart is pounding. You just got to keep looking forward.

Here is a poem, I wrote in response to this preacher that came last week to our campus. I was upset because a friend told me that he spoke truth without love and but I felt he didn't speak truth because he had no love. I felt God calling out to me, unfortunately I didn't get my courage in time to speak out against him. I definitely felt though that the Holy spirit was working through me. I wanted to reach out to others. I wanted to do it in a way that was true and honest and the least confrontational and I felt a poem did that the best. So enjoy my poem and feel free to comment on it if you feel like it speaks to you as well.

Response to the Environment


Who are you
To Judge me
How can you
Know my heart
You speak of grace
Without having grace

Do you see these eyes of mine
That have seen
From A to Z
Can you know
What I have done
What I have been through

Don't say its nothing
Compared to your experiences
For there you go again
Judging me
When even your knowledge
Is but a drop in God's eyes
Compared to God's knowledge

Every person here
Is worth more than a universe
For our Creator
Created us
The pain of one person
Is equal to the pain
Of any other person
Because we cannot see
How deep it may hurt
How much damage
It causes us

Don't preach
If you can't listen
If you can't understand
That being a devil's advocate
Won't help
Make the world a better place
If you can't listen
To God talking to you
Right now
Because you are too busy
Shouting your words
They aren't His
The Spirit isn't in you

Paul says
“If I speak in human and angelic tongues
But do not have love,
I am a resounding gong or clashing cymbal
And if I have the gift of prophesy
And comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
If I have all faith so as to move mountains
But do not have love,
I am nothing
I give everything I own and
I hand my body over
So that I may boast
But don’t have love,
I gain nothing.”
Don't make anymore noises,
We have enough gongs and clashing cymbals

My love
Cannot be contained
Though I would much rather pass silently
The Spirit compels me to speak

I am tired of preachers preaching
Evangelists evangelizing
Ignorant of the people’s woes
With their own agendas
Without grace
Why?
Because there is no love

Do you not see the greater problem?
Are you blind?
Can you not see
What concerns us most now?

People walk
Without a care for the other
Masks on their face
Hiding their problems
Afraid to admit
Their own humanity

Here I am
A student with food, shelter, and education
Yet still I struggle to be happy
The doctors want to medicate me
Because I am not afraid
To feel sad and cry
Because I admit
I am scared of the future
I am not a model
I deal with my own kind of racism
And I did not have
Anyone to talk to

I struggle in school
I have to rely on my parents
And idly watch
As their savings go down
Because I am not a genius

Yes the world is cruel
But I made it through
Because I was told
I had worth
Not by family
But by He
Who sustains me

You can step on me
Call me what you want
But I still believe
That every person here
Is worth as much
As a universe
And every pain
Is as valid
As any other

Now I see
He is with me
Watching over me
And I am listening!





I forgive
And pray for them
For they know
Not what they are doing

I pray they
Learn to find
Eternal happiness
That cannot be bought
With world things
With money
Or at the expense of another

I hope they can
Break their chains
Past, present, and future
And find out
Who God created them to be
Their own trend or prodigy
To be without borders
To be human

I pray they
Let go of their fears
Face their humanity.

On Dating, Love, and Life Part II

So I got to thinking about relationships, and it came to mind that most of my friends that I know who are in a relationship got into their relationship not by some fluke or chance but because the guy pursued them until they finally decided to give the guy a chance. Those who did that have fallen deeply for the guy that at one time they didn't even consider a potential date. For a guy to persistently pursue a girl, I think, speaks a lot of the guy's character and how much he likes that person. I mean he doesn't just give up and decide to wait for another girl he likes to show up in his life. It seems he perceives that person as someone unique and truly loves that person. It also shows that he is willing to work at something and doesn't give up easily when all hope seems lost. He works at it and that speaks a lot to me as it probably does to her. I don't know about others but being pursued so much by someone who we may only see as a friend makes us feel like they really really are in love with us (whether or not the love is actual is not important - it is the feeling and the actions that are important at this stage in my mind); makes us feel like we are a princess and they are our knights.
The second thing I notice is that you don't have to be attracted to someone immediately. In fact, what truly attracts me to someone is when they are true to themselves and they are passionate about their interests. When these interests and their passion about them get your attention that is when the true attraction forms and no matter what you look like, you truly shine beautifully or handsomely. I also don't think it matters if you feel that you aren't helping that person grow because you truly don't know at least not until you invest time in that person or relationship. When you get to know the other person better, sometimes subconsciously you do help them. He may not notice at first or even mention it to you but it happens because thats what happens when you invest in others. You may not see the fruits of your seeds immediately but they are there. As both grow and grow closer to God as a result, the bond or the string of destiny becomes tight. That bond is what forms love.
That bond or connection is what I want. I want to find that other person who knows me sometimes more than I know myself. I want to find my other half so to speak, the yang to my yin. I don't believe there is only one other but also don't believe that just any person can be that because it has to be someone who is willing to invest in me as I invest in them and is willing to work hard. There are many fish in the sea but few harvesters. I seek not a fish but a harvester. I seek that person who is willing to stand out and seek his full potential.
I believe that God has a special person waiting for me. I also believe that he isn't just going to hand him over on a platter but that I also have to work to find him. I believe he gives us clues about to whom we are compatible with so to speak and it is up to us to seize the opportunity. For the guys, that means pursuing the person until the other decides to give you a chance or tells you to back off. If the person does give you a chance, then you don't stop there. In fact, you never stop working. You persevere despite all obstacles if you truly love someone. For us girls, it just means making the most of the time with that other person. It means trying to form a worthwhile friendship of truly caring for that person. It means getting to know the guy before you decide that you like him. It doesn't mean pursuing them as in flirting with them or making the first move. No, that has to be done by the guy - the first move that is. You have to let him know your feelings and let him respond. The first move is that response but he has to make a clear response. Once he does, then you can move in whatever way that you feel appropriate.
There has to be reciprocation in my mind for a relationship to be equal. Otherwise, then there is no communication and no balance - without either, there is room for a lot of chaos. The two opposites become unstable and may eventually lead to one with more power than the other. Relationships should always be equal - two trees growing together not one tree leaning on the other tree. The DNA strand is intertwined but not tangled...think about it.
I believe that true love is possible just as I believe in the good of people because I believe that through God all things are possible. If it were not because of God rescuing me, I wouldn't be able to be saying those things. Therefore, they are not my words but God speaking through me. For I thought I was impossible to be reached, I thought I wasn't an important person and that I was a failure, I was told I was weak and naive, but God taught me that I was strong and resilient and wise. When I thought I had become invisible and no one really cared for me, He came through for me. He noticed my pain and reached out without putting me down, without telling me to change,He just cared for me.
I believe in the good because I know it is only because of the world that we put on our masks and become selfish. That is what the world taught us, taught me. We don't do things because we are evil but because we are taught that if we show vulnerability we won't survive. We are taught to fight fire with fire instead of water. I don't believe that is how you should solve conflict. To resolve conflict with accusations is to jump into a fight without knowing the other's weakness. It is foolish. It is fighting yourself and it creates a pattern of tension and hurt.
Even if you tell me that I am naive, I tell you I am not because I can see through the masks, I was there, I nearly became numb like everyone else as well as mean. Perhaps that is why most people are sheep because they were tired of fighting and decided to let others live for them. They died inside not through their own fault for who chooses to die willingly. Rather we die because we cannot deal with our pain and we just want peace. We are so quick to point out others faults and reprimand them but deny that we have our own faults. We cannot show that we are human and we have also made mistakes. So we isolate others by doing so and by isolating we slowly suffocate them. Therefore I refuse to be the fool who is quick to jump into a fight that they know you can't win but rather be the wise old person who confronts the situation but doesn't join the situation. This is what God has taught me.

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Now playing: Superchick - Pure, We Live, Stand in the Rain
via FoxyTunes

Sometimes I feel like I am OK being single. I was walking today and there were a few couples out but I didn't mind seeing them as I usually do. It was strange but it felt good. I thought to myself surely as soon as I can start living on my own then I will find that man, but more than that, I felt sure that God had someone for me. That I would for sure find that person that I have been waiting for most of my life. This I felt confident and that gave me peace from God. It wasn't the belief that through my own efforts I would find him because I was sure that no matter if I was doing well on my own and was successful, that he would come to me but that when I felt ready God would provide. Maybe I do just want that company but I think you have to work at it like any other relationship. You have to invest that time with that person,i.e. you have to invest in the other. I don't know who God has set aside for me. I just know that if God gives you an opportunity you shouldn't waste it. You should seize the chance to build a relationship. As the semester winds down to its big finale, I find myself talking to God more. He has been waking me up in the mornings early now...at 8 am to be exact and I find that amazing.I mean it isn't through my own will power but through God that I am able to do it. I really am glad about that. My next choice is what is my summer going to be like. I want to earn money on my own and do stuff but I need to learn to balance work and school as well as to focus even when I am stressed out. It's hard but I am sure I will learn. Well I am ready for bed so goodnight to all.

Update:
I also have discovered a trouble that I had been ignoring. I think the reason I am not doing as well as before in school is because I am not doing what I am most passionate about - architecture. It is true that I do like foreign languages and Asian studies and art but just as I couldn't abandon Japanese I cannot abandon architecture. It was when I thought it wasn't going get into the school of architecture that all the troubles began. It was then that I broke down that first week of the semester. I just haven't been true to myself but rather have ignored the pain I feel whenever I see anyone with an architecture project. So that made up my mind about what I was going to do summer. Rather than give up my AutoCad class to work at Target to earn more money, I am going to take the AutoCad class and give my worry of finances to God. Rather the more important thing is that I stay true to myself and have faith that God will provide. Once I am familiar with AutoCad I can work at an architecture firm and that will get me ahead more than working at Target and paying bills. You have to look ahead to the future rather than look at the present. Otherwise you won't be prepared when an obstacle comes your way because you didn't see it coming. All these things, I know because I have prayed to God for his guidance. I have given him all my concerns and he has answered them.