P.S. - Update:

My cell phone charger has finally arrived and now the cell phone drama ends. Sorry folks but thats life for you. Fair for me but not for you =P.

And the craziness continues...or is it nerdiness?

Soo despite having a crappy previous night, today turned out to be an excellent day. This morning I had my friend Laura wake me up in time to get ready for and make it to my archery class in the morning and what a surprise was waiting for me the moment I opened my window - it was snowing outside and the ground was white! Woot! Well archery class was really fun and interesting, I was already picturing myself as Kagome (heh). Afterwards I got breakfast and went back to my room where I started doing some job searching and came upon a good website for doing just that. I then had my tennis class (even though it was optional) and played tennis with my friend Megan while it started snowing again. That was quite lovely and fun to do. At first my hands were getting cold from the numb but after playing a while, they got warm and I was no longer cold. Two guys who also showed up and stayed were also wearing shorts - craziness. Afterwards I returned to my room where upon arriving at the dorms I ran into another friend, and struck up a good conversation with her. I then finished my Japanese hw that I had not done the previous night and for the remainder of my break I surfed the internet. Afterwards I went to English class where I discovered that I could use my next assignment to my advantage and apply it to one essay/article I have to write for this application for a job that really interests me. Then I went to Japanese were it was semi-fruitful experience/practice and was able to walk back into the building without my keys because I ran into another friend (kelly) while walking with my friend Phil. Well, I ended up chatting a good while with Kelly up until about dinner time at which i had a short interval with my RA /friend Julie. After dinner I returned to my room and had an average lounge period before heading downstairs for my Japanese study group and then back up to yet again Kelly's room for a hot chocolate party!Woot!

It is there and then that my craziness gets the best of me. While Kelly was studying for her Algebra test, I decided to quietly start planning my next semester and see which classes I wanted to take. I had wanted to take some interesting classes that friends, Alyssa and Clara, had been taking this semester but they didnt quite fit into neither my major nor minor so I thought why not switch my minor to foreign lang. and literatures but there was no such major or minor, instead I discovered the Comparitive Languages and Literature program which sounded just as interesting. The classes they offered were equally interesting as my minor. So I was at a standstill because now I had more than enough interesting classes I wanted to take that fell into three minors. Well I had already been set on my major, that for sure isn't going to change, but my first minor was also set -Asian Studies- I just thought I could still take my Japanese classes and recieve credit from them for a different major but apparently not. My other choice for minor was dance because I love to dance. So I obviously couldn't handle taking three minors because my schedule was pretty full as it is with my current major and minor. So after talking with my friend Rachel who is a dance major about what a dance major/minor would require, I resolved that that could wait until grad school. I could still take dance classes then and still have fun while focusing on my masters afterall. However, I think I am going to double minor in the asian studies and comparitive languages and literature because that is possible and I don't know where else they would offer those classes. So there ya go. I am not only still taking dance classes but now "paper-requiring" classes. Yes I know I am crazy and proud of it.

Now for the more normal part, I have been thinking about where I plan to go to for grad school. My choices so far are: University of Arizona, University of Virginia, and Cornell University (which if you have been reading my previous blogs you would know why). There maybe some other colleges but I think that three options are good for me. My last choice and fall back option of course would be here but I really don't plan to stay here for it just because I am a very "unstable element" and need to experience new things and love to travel. My next step now is to research and see if they have a dance program and if they don't well then I probably won't go there then. I know I am thinking way ahead. I still have to plan out my studying abroad but I am just a natural day dreamer.

I really think that I am going to accomplish all my goals and dreams in my lifetime because not only am I a driven, determined, and ambitious person, but I am also a very lucky and optomistic person and no matter how many obstacles I face, they won't get me down. I will overcome all of them and in the end have succeeded in the generic, spiritual, and humanistic definitions of success. I have full faith in my Lord that He will bless me so and that everything I plan to do will be done because He has not let me down. All my goals and ambitions may seem selfish but they also have their much more spiritual and humanistic aspects too. Like I have told my friends, there is more to me than even I know about myself. Sort of like Ford Prefect. How funny that my life seems to parallel him in some ways.

No wonder they say March Madness...

So I have now had this on-going drama with my cell phone for the past couple of days. First of all, I had left it at my friend's house when I spent the nite at her place last week. I couldn't reach her at home since my dad decided that we couldn't afford long distance phone calls. So I had to call my other friend and ask her to call my friend who had the phone. Well, since she was leaving the next day in the early early morning, her dad was going to drop it off at my house that day. However, he never did but instead dropped it off at my other friend's house (not the one I called to call my friend) and that friend was busy that day so I couldn't pick it up till saturday afternoon. So Sunday comes around and I am back in the dorms after talking to Aleisha about random stuff, it suddenly occurs to me that I left my cell phone charger at the house. Ahh. I called my parents and told them to send it to me overniter but when I called I had awoken them from sleep. Oops. Oy vey..what a crazy month march has been.

Soo...even though my spring break was off to a good start. This morning it started out not soo well. I had to deal with my dad waking me up asking me about the car keys even though I kept telling him they were in my purse, but my lazy father couldn't even do a simple task of looking through my purse for my keys. Seriously they weren't that hard to find for me. Then he proceeds to criticise me for not taking good care of my care because it has been out in the sun for most of the day today. Uggghh, when will he learn to stop criticizing others. I really can't get along with him because he doesn't know how to have a normal conversation. At least my mother knows better. We had a nice talk last nite. She however did inform me that another of great relatives, my Great Aunt Ophelia, has now been diagnosed with cancer. This really scares me because my great uncle Pedro recently had died of cancer and he was the person everyone thought was least likely to die first. Then it was my great aunt Lucilia who just died of old age. All of these news makes me sad because I had grown up with them and so I was so used to them being there but now they are gone. I really am not used change. Well, as soon as my best friend Maggie comes over ( we are having a sleep over this weekend) my day will get better. I just need to ignore my father and his dumb remarks he makes at me. He is just not right in the head me and my mom say. Well, that be it for me. Toodles.

Spring Break is here...
And I am so not ready for tomorrow when my dad comes. My bed is piled with clothes my floor littered with clothes not to mention a dead cockroach I just discovered today under my shelf. Can you say EEEEEWWWWW! What to do what to do. I am excited about going home for the break and seeing old friends but at the same time I am going to miss my friends here in the Burque even if it is just for one week. Not too mention my crush who I got to see today =P. It was so nice of him to sit on my lap, hehehe. Sooo much fun playing bowling, I got a few spares but wasn't able to get a strike, maybe next time. Pictures will be posted on facebook of the whole event. Saddly there was no picture of him sitting on my lap, drats. *sighs* Well I should start packing for tomorrow. Just want to give a shout out for all my fellow peeps in the Burque and tell you guys to have a fun break because I am going to miss you all! Love ya lots friends.

Spring is here and its quite infectious!

I feel soo happy today. I can't explain it but its really a great feeling. I don't know exactly what it is but I just feel like everything is great! Perhaps the season's really do have an affect on us. I mean besides for the obvious reasons but you know it seems that my moods have followed the seasons. In winter, I was really kind of dumpy, not sad just not quite cheerful. In fall, I was melodramatic. In summer, I was in good spirits because I was with old friends and at home. Now spring has been one of those times where I feel like I could just fly into the sky. I already have my happy thought. In fact I have more than one happy thought and I am a kid at heart...I refuse to grow up into persay a lawyer. Hec, my major is one that deals with drawing =P. Yep, I just need some fairy dust to fly.

Flying into the sky
One peers down
To see the colors of spring
The birds soar with you
As you pass cloud after cloud
And the world
Becomes a blurr
In the moment
Of true bliss
Where all anxieties
Are washed away
By the wind and the sun
And all there is
Is endless space
To fly in every direction
Endless opportunities
To do whatever
Your whim desires

Oh flying
Soaring
Gliding
In the sky
No wonder
Man invented
The airplane
And has been fascinated
With the universe
What wonderous
Experiences
Must await us there!

Never honk at old ladies...


View this clip on Vimeo

Soo...All I have to say today is that my life is my own and I actually do control it. Fate and destiny may have a hand in it but I think that the way you view it and react to it and have your attitude about it, in the end, controls your life. If you choose to view your life negatively then you will make things turn out that way but if you view life as a positive thing, then positive things are sure to happen. Perhaps luck is just the fact that you view life absolutely positively. I never thought I had good luck until I started thinking positively and now I see I did have luck even when I thought I didn't. Even though I criticize society for being the way it is, I still do believe that we all have good in us and that even in the darkest of situation there is hope. Pandora's box if you will. However, hope can be good or bad but that depends on the way you percieve it to be. Perception. Perhaps reality is just all a perception. If you think about even though we live on the earth, we really don't experience the 3 dimensions equally because we can't go up or down that much. Sure we can fly and we go up and down stairs and elevators but we generally don't travel in that direction. So if we were in space, what would it feel like to go in either direction because we can in space. For all you trekkies, did the Voyager ever once travel up or down? To me, it seems to have travelled horizontally neh? Because the engines were faced the other way. Perception. We can't even see everything clearly. I mean think about it. Microscopes enlarge things but even planet earth is microscopic in comparison to the universe. So size is just a question of relevance. We have even yet come to discover the origins of matter. So what is to say that we know a lot. I claim that to know everything is to know nothing.

Sooo...TGIF!
Long week...crazy mind.

Have you ever had a moment in which all these worries of the past, present,and future came to you at once? I just did. It was crazy and fortunately one of my best friends let me vent and rant continuously to her and let me tell you it was a very odd conversation..from starting with foreign exchange program to ending on abstinence and anywhere else in between. I don't know where my mind made connections to all the things we talked about but I got it off and in the end I got a good laugh when she did her Spanish cuzzing impersonation of her grandma! Ahh that was soo funny! The week is finally over. Next week is medterms ...bleeccchhh...and afterwards its Spring Break! I can't believe it's spring break already...boy does time go fast. Well, that means it's time for me to get cracking on my portfolio for the school of architecture application. Here's to me getting into the school. Good thing no midterms for my major! Just endless drawing and lectures on art! OH art..how I love thee.

In other terms, I am soo angry at the fact that UNM doesn't have an adequate study abroad program. I was just like soo enfuriated by that to no degree of end. It has made me decide that perhaps I might transfer to a different university such as Cornell University. I am undecided on that just because if I did transfer. It would be in my senior year of college and I would go through a couple more years of college, but lucky for me I actually enjoy college and yah it would be great to be able to go to a topnotch school with an awesome foreign exchange consortium. We will see how things go. In the meantime, I need to learn to sit back and take things calmly. I have to trust that God will guide me in the right track. I really am happy to be single now because I have just now realized how having a significant other could sidetrack if not detour my ambitions to travel the world and possibly go to an awesome university for whatever level of education I am at...possibly earlier than Grad..we will see. Ahh, cupid, you won't be able to get me so easily now. My priorities are straight and thats to accomplish my ambitions and goals. I am determined to accomplish my ambitions. I just can't give them up so easily, they are my dreams and my dreams make me part of who I am.

Sleepless night and long days...
Do make me weary
And lost in time
All for my goals and dreams
That do test
My patience and determination
My strength and will power
Carried me through
In the end
Sleep does become me
As I am coveted to bed
Farewell world of arduous torture
Hello world of twists and turns
Of abstract and allusion
Fill my mind with wonderous dreams
As I embrace
That which restores me.

Two filled poetry journals..
Amazingly
They are not all about the same thing
As I thought they would be
I need to go over them again
They give me strength
Ehh...I am writing in poetry again
Oh well. =P

As I was writing, the poetry I have written surprises me. Don't you ever have those moments where you step back to examine your life and you are just amazed at how much you have changed and grown? Well I have those almost every time I pause to look at my life. I just can't thank God enough for saving my life, for showing me the world, for giving me the strength to live on and to be independent, the strength to believe in myself, despite the circumstances, and for reaching out to me when I reached out to Him. I can still remember the light that I saw when He saved me...even if it wasn't a specific moment in time in which I became a true believer but still the same when I think back to those hard times, I see the light that reached me in my darkness. I owe my life to Him and I can't give up because I won't let my mother's and Carmelita's sacrifices go to waste. I cannot give up against the current that takes everybody else so easily. I seek Wisdom and its knowledge, but at the same time, I am human, and so I must allow myself my moments of weakness for if I do not then I will have a break down. Here I should be writing my paper already but I have to do this to clear my mind. It is a sad and lonely blog that no one seems to make comments but I enjoy this ... for reasons that I cannot explain. What logic is it that compels us to post our thoughts to the mercy of the world? I guess I hope to spark a conversation with someone, even if my thoughts aren't as philosophic as Aristotle's but I like to enjoy my life thank you very much. I have already contemplated my existence and decided that reality is just perception. No, I will not elaborate on that. I will elaborate though on the fact that love is something that should be called a phenomenon because it cannot be explained by the laws of physics, Einstein will back me up on this too. I have thrown all caution to the wind and put away all reasons. The train's horn blows its last noise as I proclaim that I will not give up on my hope. I cling on to hope like lint clings to clothes. It is part of me this everlasting hope and optimism and I will not change that. Unfortunately that means that in order to move on, I must face brutal honesty and destruction. However, I have come to believe from personal experience that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. The question is can you endure the trials, because I was only able to survive with God's help and perhaps because my will to live was made stronger also by Him. Soo this blog is basically about nothing. Sorry for the disappointment (not) =P.

Oh wretched Single's Awareness Day..

That dreadful holiday that was once good
But now is bad
Because of commercialization
How I loathe thee
Yet on this day
I reach a reprieve
I won't allow you
To ruin my day
I don't care
For those together
I only live my life
For my God
And myself
If it be His will
Then let it be so
Otherwise leave me
In peace.

When you feel like you can't go on and even the near future is blurry...

I have finally gotten settled into the new spring semester. It got off to a rocky start when I lost my parking permit and school ID with it. Thank God, I didn't lose my driver's license - that would have been a lot more of a hassle and drama than I need. Needless to say, I called my best friend that day and vented my heart out because gosh was it a lousy night even if the day was really good! Looks like if I can manage to not procrastinate this semester, then I should have a really good and somewhat easy semester. The temptation though is to procrastinate, I already have procrastinated all of last week thanks to that whole drama/hindrence. Surprisingly, reading my architecture book has been challenging and astronomy homework and reading has confused me. I will however get it done. Everything seems to be going well for me, I am enjoying being in the dorms and have yet to feel lonely, which leads me to belief that something is bound to happen that will send me for a ride. There already is one thing that is teetering but I think there is something else that will send me for a wild ride/shock. However, I feel like I am prepared for it. I just feel proud of myself for going as far as I have. I think I have reached a plateau of life though not the plateau of my life's journey; yet there is definitely a steep climb to reach the next plateau but I am up for the challenge. That steep climb is the theme of this semester for me.

Winter break is over...

and I feel glad to be returning to school. The fast pace and work are a welcome change and I plan on starting out my classes as well as the new year with positive attitude and more responsibility. I dislike the laziness that prevented me last year from getting an A in my honors class and that forced me to skip some of my favorite classes so that I catch up on my school work. I hate that I ended waking up late on mornings and debating in my mind if I should go to school - that's not me. It's not right to do that and I feel extremely guilty after I do do that. I dislike how easily I am persuaded by myself nonetheless to be extremely unresponsible and even I am my own worst critique. I am going to wake up now enjoying my life and hopeful. Even if my past experiences of waking up were horrible, I won't let the past be the predictor of my life. I am stronger than that and I refuse to let the world corrupt me. I know there are things in this world that are ugly and that corrupt people but it's like becoming corrupt and negative and selfish won't help to change the world a better place it will only add to the already negativity of it. I don't care step on me because of my niceness but I hate it when people say that my niceness is something fake or that it gets them angry because it's just like them to judge someone and add to it. I know I can't allow myself to be stepped on because it doesn't help but I won't add fire to fire. If I seem like a hypocrite because I laugh a lot and am happy most of the time, it's not because I am hiding my pain but that I am trying to be strong so that I won't get crushed under the current of negativity. I may be strong on the outside but even the strongest walls come down with time unless they are cared for. In most cases my mind and heart conflict but when it comes to perseverence, they agree that I cannot give up, that I must continue on despite the pain and torture and obstacles. I want to be able to prove to my God that I believe in Him always because I know He loves me so. I accept the past that was given to me and the pain and suffering that comes with it. Asked if I were to repeat it, I would say yes because had it not been for that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. Even so though, my strength is not as stable as can be because I am still a human being.

Time is a mystery to me...

How is it that time can go by so quickly and at the same time it goes by slowly. I am just amazed that winter break is almost over. I am happy to be going back to school and see all my friends from school again but then I am starting to feel sad that I have to leave home again. I still havent spent time with my friends from middle school. Well, I still have one week left of vacation because my father is going out of town and I can't leave until he comes back since he is driving us back to Abq.
This break so many changes have taken place and even though I am fine with them, its just that it all happened so suddenly that I am left to wonder about time itself. For instance, we think we have forever to live but in reality it really isn't that long. So is time something that depends on perception or I don't know. I am confused on this. Well, I guess we can only go with the flow of time and trust God to guide us to where we should be.

Gilmore girl marathon makes me feel smarter!

Soo I recently went to best buy and bought the fourth season of Gilmore Girls (I love that show) because they were on sale for half their original price. If I had more money I would have bought all five seasons but alass I spent all my money on presents. Anyhow watching it made me feel smarter and glad to be in college. It also made me anxious for the far future which is to be a mother. I think I will be a good mother when I am ready for that even if I have a career. We will so how that works out.
Soo things are coming along smoothly now, nothing new has happened. My brother leaves to Houston this friday sadly. I will miss him. It turns out that I will be able to take my honors class and possibly even go on the Thailand mission trip with Analisa and Carrie this summer. Wow things are so crazy now. I wonder what this new year will bring me. I trust in God almost completely because I am just hardly ever in the present. I am always in my own world thinking of things all the time. So every decision I make is never really well thought out or planned out.

It's strange how many people wear masks. We all walk around pretending we are happy and that everything is working out in public but in private it's a different story. Even stranger to think that every home is different and every family has a different story and furthermore every person has different experiences. So it really is possible to think that this world we live on could just be a giant computer built to answer the question of life.

I really think that I am following my path but today when my mom and I stopped by a Quiznos to eat dinner, we ran into an old classmate from high school. She remembered me pretty well and for the life of me I couldnt recognize her. She was two classes above me and so I was like well I dont think I got to know older classmates. Then after thinking about it I was like wait, I do remember I had P.E. class with some seniors in my sophomore year of high school and took pictures with them and thats when I remembered her. It was strange that I had forgotten about that year and that P.E. class and it made me feel glad that she remembered me, but that just shows how much I am not in the present and it makes me feel sad that I could forget that. So I hope to be able to be more in the present but for some reason my mind wanders off. Odd, that. Well I can't really do that much about that but I will try and be happy about each and every day of my life. I mean I should be happy to be alive but I guess I still retain some of my old attitude. I will work on that this year. I wonder what it means exactly to be happy to be alive because I really thought I was happy but now I see that perhaps I am not because I don't appreciate every day of my life fully. However, the question is when you are happy to be alive how do you act? I think I am but that I just dislike the society and culture that we live in. I mean if you ever look at people, they seem to be numb and always in a hurry. They never fully enjoy their life it seems. Then they patronize kids and have very little spirit. Its just all so monotone and dull and I am a colorful person with lots of spirit. I believe that we should listen to kids because they can see more than we can (and I am speaking both figurativelyand in some cases literally). I mean shouldn't we be more open minded, isnt that the way to gain peace. So why are more adults becoming close minded and...dull instead of more happy? I just see the world in a sense degenerating but at the same time also regenerating. I know its wierd, I can't explain it. Perhaps its just another aspect of the balance we live in.

A New Year and New Beginnings

Yay, this new year's eve I got to spend it with my best friend out in the open space of her home in the suburbs. It was really great and I got to play with her 4 dogs and 3 cats! That was soo much fun. It was really nice spending time with her and having fun. Even though she didn't enjoy my game of "continue the story" lol. I had some really good food and ate pretty well...first time I had more than one meal (eheheh) and I actually felt very rested: Falling asleep to the music and talking with my friend. Yah it was really restful. It took my mind off of my family issues and I felt very accepted and comfortable there (where as now at home, I feel like the oddball). It was great. Coincidently my first dream of the new year involved a certain someone I know in a peculiar state of mind to say the least.

So my new year's resolution:
1)To be uber confident of myself so that I won't easily get influenced by media and by the opinions of others but myself
2)To get my studies in order so that I can graduate up to atleast As
3)To enjoy my college years and days of youth to the max capacity

I know they are vague and such but really I don't know what else to ask for *cough cough* but I think that really I have already a lot. I just need to work on my study habits.

On a sidenote: While driving/riding back home on the freeway. There was this group of motorcyclists riding too. They looked so hot!!! My dad asked if I would ride one of those and I said ya because thats soo hot! They were the sleek kawazaki and such type motorcycles that I like and with the helmets...they looked soo freakin cool! They passed us but when we got off the freeway they were at the gas station at the corner we turned. I was secretly wishhing I could ride one of those babies!

New Year's is something oddly strange this year...
If you think about its the day for a new year but only because the earth starts another cycle around the sun neh? However, as students and i guess most adults, we actually follow a rather different calendar than the calenders we use. We follow a bi-calender or even a quad-calendar of the seasons more than anything. And so even though New Year's Day marks a new year..it really doesnt have that much meaning because really we don't start something new or feel any different where as each change of the seasons there is some difference felt.
On that note, I have had a recent shock to my system. I realize now how much people are scared of change because even though I have accepted change..I didn't notice until one change that was pretty eminent from the start now has become more solidified. For more on that matter, you can talk to me personally because this is something I can't go into much detail.
Anyhow that shock has also disrupted some of my stabilities and feel pretty much unstable now. Of course I am speaking metaphorically and its amazing the power of metaphors but yah I guess it is expected that I should be unstable. Don't know how my brother will handle this "earthquake" but that really is something I cannot say.
So this new year's (and right now I don't care about grammar so please excuse it) I feel has somehow become that much more of new beginning than anything else. I will definitely be counting and praising God for my blessings. I don't know what my new year's resolution is except I now have more reasons than one to continue to strive for my goals, dreams, and aspirations and live with courage,hope,honesty, etc than before. I feel also guilty for not realizing those things sooner but I guess it couldn't be helped. One thing I will say is that I will need all my friends this year to help me get through this. It really is something turbulent and scary...atleast for me. So I give much love to my friends because they mean the world to me and I can never really show how much I appreciate you/them all!

Soo...its been 5 days since I have arrived home. Things are better. I am trying to be less angry with them for not understanding me. Yet I know it will be hard for any of them except my brother to understand me but he has been through the same as me. Ahh..I love my brother...he's the only one who understands me the most. He is too serious though to understand my carefree and spirited ways. My mother is too conservative to understand my liberal ways, she's also too scared of me becoming this radical liberal because of my friends but I think that you have to see or experience everything before you can form an opinion. Thats why I got so upset when my mom badmouthed my anime/manga hobby because she heard someone say it gives kids bad messages, when in fact, God has spoken to me through them. She reminds me of my church and why it bans certain books *ahem*The DiVinci Code*cough* because they are scared of people takign them seriously. My dad is a realist and so he always worries about the future and keeps telling me what is my plan but all this time really I have been depending on God to guide me to where I should be and so far he hasn't led me astray. If you think about, almost all my major decisions as a "major" have been made haphazardly to some extent. Ha. This is also a bit why me and my brother don't get along all that well, but I think he understands why. He has been there with me through the most tortorous times I have had and he sees (I think) the strength it takes to stay so positive and optomistic and still be able to laugh. I just wish they would understand me more but oh well.
*sighs* Being stuck home, not that I don't like being home, isn't all that great. I like to think of myself as an eagle and imagine myself with wings, because I feel like a bird caged in when I can't go outside and have fun. It's quite muffling to my spirits so instead I have divulged myself into books and listening to music while I read. *sighs* I love reading! Haha...when I was little I used to not get why reading was so fun but then again nobody ever introduced me to such good books as the Chronicles of Narnia..I actually discovered them through a book club/group that I was in in this chat forum. Well I haven't been to that forum in a while. It just doesn't interest me that much but sometimes it is still fun to go and talk to people with interests like me. Eeek..its almost Christmas...and I am wishing for a white Christmas here at home.

I recieved an A- in my World Arch class! Awesomeness! Now I am just waiting on my basic japanese class. My Japanese teacher also emailed me back saying that she did have to delay posting the grades because of a seriously sick student. She told me I had an A- in that class thought. Sweet! So that means I have received all As in my classes except in dumb Calculus.
This makes me want to go out and jump and down for excitement!