When the fog clears up...

I ran
Even though I couldn't see where I was going
I only knew that I was moving forward
As the scenery around me changed
From the little I could see

Still I ran
Because I knew
I had nothing left to lose
I knew the sun would come out
And the fog would clear up

I ran
Knowing that at the end
I would feel better about myself
Be in better shape
And have accomplished
What I set out to do

I ran and ran
My feet got heavy
My breathing more difficult
The wind felt stronger
But still I couldn't stop
Even if I were to collapse
I had to keep moving forward

I wasn't alone
He was there
Confronting my fears
Helping me overcome them
Encouraging me on
Never giving up on me
And I was glad
That he was with me

So we ran
Knowing that I wasn't fit
We kept each other in check
We ran through the wind and cold
Breaking down our own walls
Overcoming our own obstacles
And then finishing
With a smile on our faces

So lately I feel like I have been in a fog all because of a paper. I couldn't finish it or even start it. I had a prompt to work off of but when doing research on the topic I came up blank, to make matters worse, some of the research was social psychology - not my forte and generally hard to read anyhow because of all the jargon with any of the medical fields. I wanted to work hard on it but I couldn't. I had other things on my mind like where I was going to be living in the summer and next school year as well as trying to fight off other temptations that kept trying to distract me. I really need to stop doing homework late at night because I can't think or function well at that time anyhow, only reading can be done so late because they don't require too much mental activity and you can do that in bed and help you fall asleep. Anyhow so I think one of my new resolutions is to get homework done early at least before 10pm and if it can't be done then, then I would rather wake up early and work on any hw not completed. I know that will be hard but then it will also help me get used to waking up early.

Speaking of getting up earlier, I have lately found more motivation to do so. I just started a running routine today thanks to my friend Clayton. It was voluntary but I had no idea what I was getting myself into - oh well, no one every said it would be easy to get fit - but atleast this way I am not alone and it feels great knowing someone believes you can do more than you thought you could. It would be great to be able to get up early and run without getting tired easily by the next school semester. I also have discovered that a timer on a TV can be very useful. I have managed to set my TV to turn on just after my second alarm goes off so that when I wake up, the talk and the noise of the TV as well as the morning news and Good Morning America will keep me conscious and somewhat motivated to get up early in the morning. I think this is really what I need rather than my alarm because this more movement than just a song or such. It really was nice waking up to the news this morning though I sadly couldn't manage to get breakfast beforehand still - an hour it took to get actual energy and motivation for getting out of bed -_-. The run was great but it did leave me feeling quite exhausted but hey my first run was a mile and a half which isn't bad for my first. Clayton says that I should just try running (even running in place if I have to rest) for 30 min non-stop. So that will be my goal for the fall semester. I like running with him =)!

On Dating, Love, and life (I guess)...

So recently I have found myself attracted to someone but on a completely different "axis" than my previous crush. Though the "axis" I used to determine my attraction wasn't so much different from before but the approach and the feelings involved were different than last. First off, I didn't quite fully accept that I had liked him until at least a semester had passed and at the same time, I was made aware of the possibility that I could find someone I could get along. I for sometime had not wanted to accept that I liked someone or even believed I could find someone. Perhaps I was still stuck on my past crush who had so meticulously exemplified my ideal. However, now I see that the ideal was only a rough draft. This new person has much of the same characteristics except that he is much more of the introverted type though not necessarily shy - that is he is just not as outspoken. I myself wasn't even sure I liked him as more than a friend and sometimes I still am confused about what exactly I am doing, thinking, or feeling.

Yet I know the one main thing, I feel when I am around this new person is that I feel comfortable - something my ex had told me as well and now I begin to understand. This comfortableness is in the fact that I don't feel judged as to how smart or beautiful or anything for that matter but more it is like he accepts me as a human being with all my faults and still values his time with me. This is something I didn't feel with my previous crush for whenever I danced with him, I always felt like I was a lousy dancer and thought he wanted to dance with someone else. There was no valuing of our time dancing but it was just of politeness to ask to dance and even when we did hang out, he never quite talk to me. There was a cold wall/wind blowing in between us. I don't feel any of that with my new interest.

I am attracted to this new person but it feels much less an infatuation than the previous crushes I have had. That is to say this new interest doesn't even feel like a crush but more a respectful relationship. He is handsome and does have gorgeous blue/green eyes (I can't tell from my memory) but I also find that I don't always think of him as I did the others. This could mainly be from the fact that I am much more focused right now on my studies and learning and only have leisure time at night but I have to say this interest feels different. I did think I like someone else before him but once I got to know that previous person, I found I couldn't really relate to him and that I wasn't attracted to him as much. With this new person, however, I do feel attracted to him still so I guess that means the ideal is still there. I think right now I am most scared that I may be transposing my own image of him whenever I see him. Thus, so that I don't decieve myself any further I am taking it slow. I am starting off by just being close friends and see where that takes us - see if we do have something there.

Both me and him share many interests. These interests in fact help us relate to and understand each other. We are both interested in languages and Asian philosophy and I think that helps a lot. I only now realize how much Asian philosophy has affected the way of my life. Interestingly enough, both he and I have found a way to have Asian philosophy and Christianity co-exist. I think for me, though, I am much more devoutly religious than he but then I have only just begun to know him. I do know that he is a true Christian and not just an inactive follower. I don't believe he is Catholic but right now I will not worry about that. As long as he is Christian, I am happy. I also find that we both like to be adventurous people and are not afraid of taking risks - though in this he is much more braver than I and I feel I can learn a lot from him because of that.

So even though I am attracted to him and can imagine myself in a relationship with him, there is something different about this attraction. Perhaps, it is in the fact, that it was only after I had a certain dream that I decided to pursue this interest, not that I didn't like him before, there had always been that initial attraction based on looks and even more shared interests, but that I wasn't willing to sacrifice a good friendship in search of that something more. The dream also made me realize that I wanted a relationship but the relationship I wanted was more of a subdued relationship. I wanted a relationship where we could be comfortable just hanging around each other and talking and passing ideas along - I guess a more intellectual relationship rather than the romantic relationship, not that I don't want that romantic aspect but that that is not the most important thing I want presently in a relationship. I want more of the relationship that I see in my friend Glory's Indian parents - a calm and respectful relationship where the love is downplayed. I guess I am just tired of seeing all these relationships where one is emphatically in love with the other; maybe because I don't believe those relationships last or that relationships should be based on that.

So I really feel great because I recently went to the park with him just randomly. We had fun and played like little kids and got bruised a bit. He played along with me and that was cool. Afterwards I came home and remember feeling happy because even if that was the only other time spent with him, it would be enough. It wasn't the same atmosphere as I had wanted previously but it was enough that I could still be thankful. We had some good bonding times and there were moments were it seemed he was into me but I really couldn't tell. On the opposite side, I think he could probably tell that I did like him or atleast I wanted to tell him something. I had plenty of moments where I could have told him but I didn't because I felt it was too early. I felt like I wanted to get to know him better before then. I found we had a lot in common and I did end up falling for him more but I am still scared to jump into a cliff so to speak and I want to make sure I like him for who he is and not who I am making him out to be in my mind. I know he can definitely help me grow and overcome some of my own obstacles. It would be great if we could go running, cycling, and rock climbing together because he is better at that than I am, but I also think I can help him out in someways. Lately though it has been scary wondering whether it will work; maybe because I have been looking for someone like him or maybe because I don't like admitting that I have been lonely and wanting a bf. I just hope I am not being foolish but I think this is one of those necessary risks. I really don't know how he feels about me. I mean we don't really run into each other much on campus surprisingly. I definitely don't want to jump to conclusions to quick for both our sakes. I don't want to like someone just because I want to have a bf. I want to have a quality relationship and I think in order for that to happen, we need to get to know each other better in that way. I don't know how this will turn out but wish me luck.

Human beings are amazing despite opening Pandora's box.

I know it sounds cliche but its true. We can endure so much hardship and still be able to smile honestly. Though I know it isn't true for most. There are a few of us that do break but I guess the point that matters is that it really just depends on us and how much strength and hope we have. I think when they created the myth about Pandora's box, there was more to it than meets the eye. I mean first of all, why would hope be locked up with all that other negative stuff. Sure, hope can sometimes be not so good but it can also be very powerful. I think even if we did know what lays ahead for us, hope would still be needed to get us through the most difficult parts as well as the days leading up to those times.

I know I personally have been through a lot and really I thank God for keeping me sane. It was his strength that gave me hope. He believed in me and that was all I needed. He also created me just as I am, the good and the bad. He gave me my Pandora's box knowing that I could overcome all the negative with just that hope and in this case, a hope that has not failed me yet.

I have been trampled on but not yet had my heart crushed. Perhaps because I am a very careful person, not that I have never fallen in love but that I have never fully given my heart away and I have always been very strong willed and minded - my parents can attest to this. They still don't fully understand nor appreciate me but they try their best. I think the spirit of the women before me lives strongly in me. These things were all given to me by God to give me strength and mentors through the desert, and never before have I been tested so much in my life as I have these past two years.

Truly, does the lord test me but still I persevere and praise the Lord. My heart and faith remain firm despite not having a reprieve in quite some time. Yet despite falling down sometimes, I find strength to continue on from an unknown source that I can only attribute to God. There are times when my body fails me but I know my spirit is strong; when my body does give out, it is then that God replenishes me. He finds ways to speak to me that I wouldn't never imagine and people doubt it. This is proof of how God can transform evil into good. Perhaps evil is short sighted and tries to win as quickly as possible but God with his foresight takes a defeat and uses it to deceive the enemy for the true victory - the difference between small wins and the ultimate goal (something I learned from chess).

Anyhow, I find it amazing that I am still sane, that even though I have yet to have my love returned, I still continue to love. I love those that don't love me but sometimes I am depleted. I wish my family would understand that I don't like fighting fire with fire. That I am more aware of the more important things than the petty things and that I know when to withdraw and when to fight - though the later only happens mostly around family. (I have been hurt by my family in more ways than one but I still love them as well.) The thing is that I see how we are weak and not perfect including myself. Thus, I cannot dislike people for their personalities because I know that there are deep reasons for their behavior. I know firsthand how cruel this world is but I continue to believe in people despite what everyone tells me. I believe that there are better ways of asserting oneself than fighting fire with fire. I believe in the power of love and hope to conquer all things bad in this world. Thus I will not fight back unless my sanctity is at stake and I will continue to love even when I am not loved back. I know someday I will find that person I can love and he will love me back and thus we can help each other grow. Until then, I will continue to smile honestly and believe in others even when I am weak.

When I was two and twenty
I found myself
Struggling to be
One and eighteen

The days of idly enjoying
Time not spent with friends
Was not my pleasure anymore
But now it was bitter sweet
For though I loved them
I did not love
The time passing

When I was twenty and two
I spent my days
Imagining myself
Older and wiser
Instead of my foolish self

I wondered about
Where I would be
And idled away my time
Meandering about the clouds
Instead of building my foundation
Until the river flooded
And I was once again
Lost in the wilderness

When I was twenty and two
I thought to myself
Love won't make a fool of me
And found love
Made an enemy of me

No longer was I free
To meet strangers and friends alike
Without it slipping in between us
And making rational into irrational
Thoughts into poetry

See here I am
Writing poetry
Not working
As a diligent student
But an idle daydreamer
Ba humbug
I say to the world
=P

Despite losing sleep and being completely broken down by memories of my past. Here I am still sane and at least improving slowly in school. I wonder how I managed school back then in my turbulent past. Perhaps its that school was still a joy and since I had a set pattern, it was easy to follow. Now since my schedule changes constantly, it is harder to focus and remember without that pattern to fall back. I really don't know how I managed to do well in school with everything going on, then again I didn't pay attention to what went on at home. Perhaps it was simply that doing well in school gave me something to feel good about myself but then I was always outdone by my brother. I don't know but now I am relearning my patterns.

Anyhow, I currently feel blessed. I know I am going somewhere. There is no doubt in my heart but it beats on fervently. I guess I feel blessed because God has renewed my strength. Really I wouldn't be here, if it wasn't for Him. I felt myself last week being so tired and ready to give up. My body was so heavy and my mind so filled with grief, it was no good. Thankfully I had friends who could lift my spirit and understand my pain. It is funny how sometimes we just need a hug but can't ask for one without feeling it's lost its value once spoken. I don't think that is true. A hug from a dear friend even if asked for is still a hug given with warmth and love from her heart.

God works in mysterious ways and I find myself moving on from the past. Those I thought I like, I understand now were not meant for me in the way I wanted but in a way, that made only God's will possible. I have learned things from each of my guy friends that otherwise I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't liked them as I did. I definitely love God with all my heart because He has done great things for me and believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. He lifts me up and shows me how truly beautiful I am. Even my dark side can't help but glorify Him as well. For He created me with all my aspirations and goals and dreams and everything down to temperament and attitude. There was no mistake made in creating me.

A Good End to a Bad Month

Well, despite some crazy days and extreme business, I managed to make it through with enough sleep to keep up with my work though not my reading. Intervarsity Spring Training came and went and it was all pretty fun and definitely good. I made new friends from NM Tech as well as got to see some old friends. I have to say I love those Techies as well as my home dogs from UTEP. I learned a lot to keep me going for the rest of the semester and I definitely felt God's presence this weekend at Training. Though I was a bit distracted sometimes by my hair or scarf or just plain distracted by other tangent thoughts.
One of those thoughts was just that I really like those Techies and if any of them were ever to ask me out, I would say sure. They are all just so great fun and so crazy and weird and smart that it is enough to keep me entertained to say the least. There are even some pretty good looking fellows among them and they are decent boys. Boys nonetheless but boys still but I am perfectly ok with them being boys. I like that about them in fact. I appreciate our differences and I don't expect them to be my ideal guy. My ideal has become more of a catch all than a standard. What can I say, I just want a guy who makes me laugh and can hold a conversation and isn't serious. I don't even mind short guys either. As long as we can have fun, I would be happy. I know I shouldn't think of every guy I meet and like as a potential boyfriend and that I shouldn't focus on that but sometimes it would just be nice to have someone I can hang out with atleast most of the time or when I am lonely and bored. That's all I ask for really from a guy. It is my one wish that I would want granted. I don't really want anything else from life. I am content at where I am, though there are a few things I would change if I could but they aren't major. Mainly I just wish I could go back and tell myself that I will go far and make many new friends and be content and be myself so that I wouldn't have to go through my early school years so gloomy and depressed and lonely. I really have to thank God for getting me out of that whole. He has done so many good things in my life that I owe him everything!
All in all, it was a good weekend. I believe I did pretty good in my Modern Easter Civ. test on Friday. This Tues. I have a test in art history and wed. I have a presentation in my honors class. I think I am doing good in my classes, not the best I could do but I am slowly learning to manage my time and prioritize my tasks.
At home things are starting to look up. My dad seems to be learning that he isn't perfect and has begun to improve himself. On the other hand, my mother is now too stubborn to change her flaws as well. She keeps thinking that it is up to us to decide about the divorce matters but it isn't. I didn't like being put on the spot last weekend by her. That is her decision and not mine. I don't like it but I also think it would be better. This whole divorce thing is starting to bother me more and more as it gets closer. I just don't know how to feel about it. Maybe if I called Joey, he could help me out since his parents recently got divorced. It would be nice to have someone to talk to who has gone through similar experience of divorce in the family. Prayers for more understanding in my family as well as that my semester gets better would be greatly appreciated.
Well, here's to hoping things look up and allergies don't flare up. Ganbate!

What would a Russian leader do? Part Two:

A month into the new year, a month of bad luck, a month of busy-ness...

So school is good, just hard to keep up with all my reading but good nonetheless. I am enjoying work and confirming the fact that architecture will always be my passion no matter what. I just don't know if I will be cut out for foreign service. Don't get me wrong, I like doing clerical work for my supervisor at the school of architecture and planning but as I pass by the arch. students' projects and work in the comp. lab, my heart just wishes I could be one of them. However, I am too distracted to focus on architecture at the moment. Foreign languages and art nibble at my mind and I need to work on those two before I can focus on architecture. Until I get those out of the way, I won't be able to devote all my time and energy to architecture especially when doing overnighters. I want to be able to sit down and patiently work on my models and schematics for architecture and currently I cannot.
Secondly, this being the month of February and it nearing spring, I have found that I still haven't met anyone who would be interested in dating me, at least for a month. I mean I do put myself out there but I am not going to throw myself at every cute guy I meet. While my S. Texas friend opened my mind to dating, it didn't necessarily help with my current situation that much. The funny thing is that while I have increased my number of guy friends, I still have no potential dates. The year started well, with a potential one but apparently he was pursuing more than one girl and the other one won over me so there went that date. He still is my friend but the funny thing is he doesn't bother to call me even when he got a new phone. My other guy friend who seemed a potential date, I was told was not a good match for me because he wasn't the greatest person and very much sexual (something I am not sure I am ready for). Funny enough both were long distance but I didn't mind that. I like the idea of dating people from other places. It is part of the wanting to learn and experience more and wanting to travel around. Well, if anything I am not going to rush the process, I am going to wait for God's timing whenever that is.

Nobody is human
But if you are going to do something
Then you better do it
And do it right
And not half-done

So I don't know what to think of our government anymore. On the one hand, it is alot better than an oligarchy or monarchy but on the other hand, it is not a democracy. I think I understand what the Russian revolutionary leader must have been thinking....do you pick either a crazy power-hungry person to lead a country or do you pick the one that is too liberal and easily influenced to lead? That is always the question of the elections because the truth is that sometimes neither of the candidates have what it takes to lead or at least don't focus on what is truly important. I mean we are all human here.

That leads me to another point. I wish I could sue the person who mapped out the streets of albuquerque. I mean what is the deal with the inconsistencies and the odd intersections and the steep ramps. Seriously, why is it so hard to develop a good street system. Now I know that cities grow and change but the municipal govt. is still in control of street development. So why did they come up with such crazy street designs. Seriously, my hometown had much better city streets than here and we have both a mountain and a military base in the middle of the city so why is it so hard to have consistent streets here in Albuquerque!?!?

As a a result of bad city planning, I have gotten into two accidents. One a year ago and another just yesterday. The funny thing is that both times I wasn't completely at fault because it was poor city design involved. The first one the light was nearly a block away and right in front of a highway on-ramp so it is hard to spot right away. The second accident was because a darn school bus blocked my view of the stop sign and since the streets variate from every other street to have stop signs I figured I had the right away. Both times I took precautions and was not speeding! Still, I have the impression that other people won't believe me even though in both accidents, there were people who said that those intersections were problematic. So I am not alone in thinking that this city needs better street planning. Now I know that to redesign the whole city street scheme is unrealistic, I just want to point out that in this case I wasn't at fault. I wish I could sue the city for their complex street schematics because it is crazy. I am half-tempted to call a random lawyer and see what they can do for me. Even if I don't I still have a court date where I can contest my tickets.
One other thing that got me annoyed was that they gave me a ticket for not having a NM driver's license. Maybe because I had a local address they thought I was a resident, but the truth is that I am just now establishing my residency after being in the dorms for 3 years and my Tx license doesn't expire until 2010 anyhow. To get a driver's license in NM, you apparently have to go through this whole dwi program which I hear doesn't even work. I mean people will continue to do what they do no matter how many times you tell them not to. It is not like teens aren't aware of the fact that they put other people in danger when they drink and drive but they still take that risk because i guess they think they are invincible. Well, anything important in life is always a a gamble and the fact is that unless you are extremely lucky, you will always have unfortunate results in your lifetime. Nobody makes no mistakes, because we aren't perfect. This is a fact of life. I don't know but I wouldn't want to live in the Burque after graduation simply because I hate the street design. I prefer cities that are better designed.

Well according to history, every democracy that has ever existed only has worked up to a number of years and we are reaching that point pretty soon. I mean this make sense because the fact is that we are human and we err and sin and thus bring doom upon ourselves - not God. We like to blame others for our actions, we like to make ourselves feel better by reading and gossiping about the problems of others but we fail to look at ourselves first. We keep expecting others to change before us but we don't want to change ourselves first. So how are we expected to get along. I am in agreement with my friend that this nation is very spoiled and because of that we are going downhill. I mean I am sure if we worked hard to be independent instead of having everything handed to us on a silver spoon - this nation would be in a better place/situation that it is now. I know I am not perfect but I also accept that in others. This world after all is gray and not purely black and white and there is no easy answer to anything important in life. There is always something else involved. The problem is that the insurance system and the justice system seem to think in black and white. You are either guilty or not and that is true but if we judged everyone on that system, then every single person on this planet is guilty because we have all sinned in one way or the other. The only difference is the effects those sin have on people - mortal sins:kill and all the rest subversively damage others in ways that sometimes can't be seen. Now I am not trying to bash society, there are good people and good things from this society. I am just saying that we need to stop judging people period unless of course you are an actual judge. I am saying this world is gray and thus should think what that means about everything else. There are some evil people and there are some saints but those are rare and far in between. The rest are human.

So it was my birthday yesterday but when I woke up that morning, I had completely forgot that. I had slept through my alarms and had it not been for my best friend sending me a super early text saying Happy Birthday I would have gone through the day like any other at least until I wrote the date. Anyhow, the day was good, I got to talk to my friend Jessie and spend lunch with her. I always enjoy our talks! Then I went to my honors class where I definitely felt smart, where I was definitely contributing to the class and making valid points and took 3 pages worth of good notes! All the time, I was receiving warm birthday greetings from friends. That's one thing I am definitely thankful for! So then I get out of class and head to hair consultation at Aveda and it was fun I got told I could in fact have my hair treated so that it would be evened out with cutting my hair too much and scheduled that and then got food at Arby's and ran back to lead my first bible study. I got there late but I had no idea because all this time I had left my cell in my room. It was a small group of people there but it was alright. It definitely felt different being a leader this time than a participant. I wanted to share things about the passage but I couldn't and since I had already manuscript ed, i ended up washing others manuscript wishing I could point out things to them too. All in all, it wasn't too bad but definitely a new experience. Our club meeting afterwards was good and I got a lot of warm birthday wishes once again and even got sung Happy Birthday from everyone which was classic.

The trouble started at the end but it was only then that I allowed myself to put my guard down and be real. For sometime, it seems the only thing I wanted for my birthday was a boyfriend or at least a courtship - someone whom I could develop a special friendship where we support each other and help each other grow and who I could count on when I was lonely. I thought I had found someone close to that at LaFe but then later on I found he had fallen for someone else. Heh, fallen - I wonder where that metaphor came from: falling in love. Anyhow even though I know things wouldn't have worked out at least not smoothly and with plenty of give and take; I still couldn't completely shake off my feelings for him. So after talking with another friend who had come with me to LaFe as well and had seen the two of us interacting about what had occurred, she confirmed and confided that she too had thought that he had shown interest in me as well and even initiated a pursuance if you will. I confided in her that I wish and would like to smack the senses into that guy for giving me false hope. For initiating something and not firmly closing it softly. I feel deeply wronged even though I know it isn't completely his fault. Maybe it was the other girl's fault for leading him on because she apparently is not ready to be in a relationship with him but they are still friends. Oh, it just is soo not fair that she should have stolen him from me. Now, all I want to do is cry because there was nothing else I really wanted for my birthday. I have been bright and cheerful and for my birthday I will allow myself the freedom to be real and to accept my hurt and my pain. I won't push it away. I will just accept it and pray for some healing.

Don't take for granted the life you have lived, live and will live....appreciate it!

So I was supposed to be in Albuquerque this week but plans changed and today I was supposed to hang out with another friend but I ended up staying with my bff for the rest of the day...partly due to laziness. Plans change all the time and that's why I never make plans for sure because God likes to change my plans all the time...he did for my post high school life. So I am just winging it.

I know I am not the most wisest person, I for sure have friends that are smarter and wiser than me but hey I think I have handled my life pretty well. I mean I have been through a lot both academically and personally. I don't know if most people would be okay after going through the bs I did especially since it wasn't just at school but at home. I can explain it in no other way than God having a plan for me. He was the one who pulled me out of the black hole I was living in. I really am an optomistic person and sometimes I think it annoys people...but I do have my days where I let myself be pessimistic. I mean, I am human afterall and I need to vent and cry and just do nothing but only for that day and then the next day I get up and work hard.

Oh, all last November was hard academically but being a nerd, it was the hardest thing to realize how much I was suffering gradewise and see how much I had degraded from high school...aka be a much worse slacker/student than I was then. Then my insomnia hit me and it sucked because the one sure way to relieve stress that I had was taken away. Luckily I had my bff on the phone and she helped me out by listening to my complains and b*tching and crying and eventually I got some sleep though really at an inconvenient time. She heard me argue with God about everything that month had put me through. Now even after the break my sleeping habits are still messed up but it really is because of some unforeknown reasons that I think might help if I go to therapy/counseling will help me.

Before I was so against counseling but after being told by three different people who I know all meant the best for me that I should go to counseling, well obviously God was speaking to me and no one should ignore God when he repeats himself three times. So my first session went well; I somehow ended up breaking down. I guess I had had a lot on my mind that I needed to get out and needed to cry. Wow I cried deeply, that is something in itself. So there you have it, counseling/therapy worked for me. I guess sometimes we all need someone who will listen to us, understand us, and help us understand ourselves and help ourselves and is not biased. Yah life is rough, but I wouldn't change anything about my past as much as it was painful....it made me who I was and if God trusted me with this life then I won't waste it but appreciate it.

I like what Ellen DeGeneris had to say about one of her days. She was talking about how one morning her coffee grinder broke and spilled coffee grounds but before she could lose her temper she saw a hummingbird hovering in front of her window and the beauty of the bird was so amazing that for the rest of the day she was happy. It made her day because all day she just remembered the bird and stopped to appreciate it and the moment. We should all learn from her and learn to stop and appreciate those moments in our life even if everything around us is crazy and hectic. I mean if that's how douglas adams says we learn to fly then why not. I love Ellen she is my role model. Perhaps I will write to her one of these days and maybe she will give me a call. That would be freaking awesome! In the meantime, I will just enjoy her talk show and blog on her website called A Thought...And I Do Have A Thought or something like that and I would encourage others to read it as well because she is so funny and yet real in her blog.

Dating and marriage and living fully...
Perhaps Frank Sinatra was onto something when he wrote his immortalized song Love and Marriage. Yes,it is something that we all think about whether we are for or against getting married but it is still on our minds. I tend to think more on the earlier parts of life like dating. I have a negative view of dating mainly because I think it is a waste of time to date for fun. If I am going to date it is because I am looking for that lifelong partner who I can grow and learn from and hopefully vice versa. Now, I am not a full blown feminist who thinks that she can live alone but I am also not going to be totally dependent on my partner. I was raised to be independent and to live out my life fully. Both my mother and grandmother were woman who loved to travel and did manage to do so and also both married late in life. I plan to marry late only because I have dreams that may not coincide with marriage early in life, for instance, I am a nerd and would like to enjoy my college life as much as possible and thus I will be in school for sometime due to some unexpected delays in my journey and also because I want to study abroad and travel as much as I possibly can before I settle - wanderlust if you may. If someone is willing to accommodate these two strings to the deal, then I would gladly trade my singleness for the complementariness of a couple. Life is short but the key to living happily is taking full advantage of what it has to offer and taking risks. Death is not our enemy but our friend when you don't fear him. Life is tiring and often we must be broken down and repaired many times before we can shine like a diamond. In fact, diamonds are so beautiful because they also have been compounded and compressed for long periods of time. Nature seems to mirror life almost as if God knew He would need to constantly remind us that we must be willing to suffer the same to shine brilliantly. I have come to an understanding that I cannot give up my life but must fully live it out because it is unfair to those who wish they could live longer. I live for myself and because there is a person who I owe my life to and a person who I couldn't do wrong by not living fully. Life is hard but life doesn't have to be that difficult; luck is only the perspective you have. I have found luck when I focus on the positive and keep looking and moving forward. Yet I also know that we do need to vent and cry out once in a while but the key is not to get absorbed in the negative but just give it its proper time and place and then move on. My life is all about truly learning to live.

Life is full of stress and life doesn't always go the way you want it. Sometimes you just got to hang in there because you can't stop the rollercoaster. I know I am not perfect and I know I make mistakes, sometimes the same ones but maybe it is because I need to learn it this way. The world tells me that my past dictates my future but I just see the past as a step up on the stairway to success. Some are bigger or smaller than others but I don't think we are stuck on the same step forever unless we choose to stop moving forward. Yet if you keep looking forward, you will see the steps there are new steps waiting to be stepped on. Nobody's life is perfect. We make do with what we got and we just look at the positive of everything. Perhaps that is way too optimistic for some people, for me that is alright. I am struggling right now to stay afloat and I want to take a break but the truth is life isn't going to give it to me. I have to adapt to this life somehow. I have no other choice but I will have been stronger for it. I still have a good rest of my life. As for the rest of my life, I am going accept the good and bad parts of my life and myself equally. The more I fight the bad, the more confused I get but if I can accept everything about me then at least I can have peace in that way. I know I am a beautiful person inside and out and I know that I will accomplish everything I want to, it will just be a lot harder for me than for most people. I won't give up no matter how much life wants me to and I won't listen to what the world tells me.

Freud + Men + Narcisism = Jerk

So I have come to agree with Freud a little bit about his theory of transference, however, I have to say it is only when people continually reinforce that idea that it becomes fact. Take for instance myself, I have this disposition or idea that all men are jerks. This I learned from my father because he was a jerk in that he wanted everything his way and was immature and never grew up but is a selfish boy in an adult body still. Perhaps it has do with his raising as a child, his family, or a mental problem, the point is he refuses to accept the truth that he isn't perfect. Now I naturally thought beforehand that there were better men than my father and so I did find myself men who were indeed better than them but I also saw how they weren't as mature as most of my friends are. Those that I even deemed to find perfect eventually revealed their flaws to me by ways of their incapability to resolve certain situations efficiently and quickly. Rather they seemed to think that it was better not to confront things but either to run away from them or completely ignore them hoping things will get better. My experiences have taught me better than to make that choice as well as to not to expect men to be aware of that fact. So in a sense, because they couldn't make a better choice they ended making things worse because it was too much of a discomfort to them to make that better choice and thus they are jerks. I know there are probably some fallacies to my logic but it is not like I don't give men a chance to prove me wrong or act upon my thinking. Rather it just is my defense mechanism when it comes to dealing with men. It prevents me from getting my hopes to high or being surprised in the bad way. I have been surprised in good ways and there is nothing bad in that way. In fact, when I call men jerks, it isn't something personal. It is more my way of saying they are not perfect. I know nobody is perfect but I think women are more perfect than men atleast that's what my experience has shown me. I know not all women are like that and I know we can be truly mean and vicious more so than men but it is not those women I speak of in high opinion. I am not a sexist, I am just trying to avoid having my hopes crushed.

So I have to admit that I truly do love someone who continually amazes me with who he is. The trouble is that in doing so I feel myself not so intelligent and there is the fact that there is nothing between us besides friendship. I have moved on and yet I haven't - is it so wrong to admire someone from afar? Is it so wrong to really love them for exactly who they are? When did loving someone become a crime? Yes, I know it is not possible for the fact that there is no chemistry whatsoever between us and yet just being able to see him and talk with him was all I wanted. Now I only have glimpses of him. I do like someone else currently but I don't know if I love him. Granted I only have known him for some months and the other one I knew for 3 year, you can't blame me for not knowing. Nay, it would not be wise to say I love him.

The truth is I love all people for their diversity and their different perspectives they bring. I love life for its diversity. Even with all the pain it brings, pain doesn't really bother me. Itch, however, does. I love talking about relevant information and listening to NPR, perhaps I just enjoy the feeling of being wise though I don't know if I will be ever wise enough to avoid making mistakes. Yet mistakes aren't necessarily bad as long as we learn from them.

I continue to wait for that period in which I will be truly an adult, this in between time as a transient - for I am not a child but not yet an adult- is not at all enjoyable. I intend to enjoy my old age like CS Lewis and not despise it like Freud. I want to live my life to the fullest. If I must learn the hard way then so be it, it all makes for a wiser person in the end and for a more dynamic character. I find that there is more happiness when you struggle to achieve something than when you can do it easily. This is where my strength comes from, in knowing that the last will go first and the first last.

Many think that God's will is upside but maybe that's because we are upside down to begin with. Why do those who can't prove that God exists and yet can't prove He doesn't exist merely go back to their assumption that he doesn't exist. It sounds like mere convenience. Yet I am convinced that if we were to give God a chance to reveal Himself to us which would mean putting down all our defenses, biases, assumptions and being completely open minded and perhaps vulnerable, we would definitely find Him.

Even now that I am suffering in my grades and delayed in my entry to the real world, I find that it is God's doing. He knows that I am upset but He wants me to find real achievement. He is supporting me by not supporting me but by believing in me to have the capability to do what He has planned for me. He is helping me slowly finish climbing the rock wall, little by little, pushing me further up until at last I reach the top where I can then move on to do the more challenging wall. Yet, even then with perseverance and practice, that wall will be climbed. There in lies the proof that through Him everything is possible for He didn't not give us a world of impossibilities but a world of possibilities!

Even in this difficult time, I know that if I persevere and endure it, I will eventually overcome it and become even more successful than those who I wished I could be. The truth is there is no way we can live by comparing ourselves to others for we are not the same people and we don't share the same experiences or feelings. The only true peace we will ever achieve is if we can find the good in the bad, the joy in the pain, the happiness in sadness. Are not the head and tails, two sides of the same coin. So how can we compare one side to the other? We can't, not without using another coin but that's another coin. Yes, it is the same amount and same materials but it also has a different story to tell from the other coin. The choices are infinite to make in life but even if we make a wrong choice, we can always start again and make a right choice continually until we are on the right path again. Thus, nothing lasts forever but continually changes. Life would be boring if it weren't so.

An entertaining yet draining weekend to end a frustrating week...

I just got back from Great Escape and I have to say it was fun up until the end in which a drama surfaced from the back of people's mind, but before I get to that, I have to say, I didn't accomplish climbing the rock wall...once again it mocks me...but I did get closer to the top before than last time (I think) and I did do the very top rappelling wall which was very fun and nearly hung upside down on the zip-line (if only my cap hadn't fallen off my head). I got some good quiet and prayer time in and was very well fed, though not sure how much I ended up resting. I got some good drawing practice drawing a Techie and three guys on the couch. I enjoyed the worship thoroughly and got to put my car to the use I had always intended it for- driving friends around, and well driving to work/class. Though I do have to say, if you are going to bring a GPS unit, you might as well use it rather than make a drive longer than it has to be but we got home safely although late and I ended up missing a meeting and church and I had a friend drive my car instead because I wasn't feeling too well so I shouldn't be complaining. However, I am strangely saddened by the fact that we didn't get to eat or mingle with the Techies anymore. I always enjoy the Techies' company. They are lots of fun! So I was thoroughly saddened by the fact that we had to cut our company short on the drive back. Well, before we even left there was drama in the air. Two good friends ended up in a bit of dispute with each other from miscommunication about their feelings. Now I am not picking sides, but I do think that things could have been avoided if there would have been some more frankness and less trying to hurt each others feelings because in the end, both got their feelings hurt. It is sad because now one of them has lost her desire to go on any more car trips with us and thus not being going to anymore retreats and such with us. I am not even sure she will be coming to the meetings either. It left me feeling very sad but more so because the one time I wanted to enjoy driving my friends around, instead we ended up being isolated in a sense and even worse feel guilty about something that we didn't even have much control over. As we got "scolded" by our staff workers, I kept wishing that I had been in another car and was with the rest of the group waiting to have the group pic taken. I know it sounds bad, but I couldn't even interject because I wasn't well informed in the situation and didn't want to make the situation worse and I really just wanted things to be...well, like they were when I first joined Intervarsity. Even though I had just gone to one meeting before Chapter Camp, when we road tripped to Salt Lake City,UT, I felt very welcome and as I belonged. That whole time in the car was the best I had had in any road trip. I guess I just wish things weren't so different. I don't know why but I have been feeling very down because nostalgia. Just the other day, I nearly cried because I realized how used to I was being walked back to my dorms by Isaac. Even if there was nothing ever there, it still was nice to be treated so chivalrously by a guy without needing to be asked. Perhaps, I am also not used to suddenly being the older generation at Intervarsity and having to willingly be patient has taken away from the relaxing atmosphere of Intervarsity. I know it's all selfish but I am just being nostalgic for the past. Change has not been kind to me and I just want things to get better. In the end things seemed to improve a lot, a compromise was made and people were packed in the cars and moved out and I had an enjoyable time. I got to learn more about my new friend Kyoko and even appreciate my car even more - for its smooth curve handling.

On another note, I have to say that I am saddened not to be graduating this May. It has affected me more than I thought because for the first time, my plans have been hindered. Even though I feel no rush to graduate, it is still a set back and I know some of my friends will be graduating and leaving me. I feel it a lot when I go to Intervarsity because it is then that I notice change th most - mainly in the different people there now. I feel like something is missing but I don't know what. I am feeling a little insecure to be honest because some people seem to have more time with each other and being in an apartment where your roommates don't necessarily talk to you gets pretty lonely. Perhaps, it is that need to belong ( in a family like setting). I also find myself recently questioning whether I want to be in a relationship. I find I enjoy hanging out with guy friends (aka Techies) too much to want to have to explain myself to a significant other. Yet at the same time, I do crave the attention from the one single opposite sex. I can't explain why I am having such contradictory emotions. I guess what I really crave is someone I could hangout with when I get bored. I find I get bored easily even if I have homework and studying to do. I have this strong aversion to both hw and studying which I don't remember having before; perhaps its because I didn't do much hw last year that I got used to it. It's not like I dislike it but something else. I really want to get back on track with my study habits but for some reason I have lost my resolve to do so. It makes me want to cry that I have become so careless that my grades have suffered immensely. Thoughts seem to crowd my mind a lot lately but I just want to get my groove back, per say.

So the first week of classes has come and gone and lots of interestingly small things have happened since then. I managed to get most of the classes I wanted but I did have to put aside another class for an honors class I really wanted to take. However, it was for the better because now I don't have to carry my art supplies on the bus but I probably will have to do that next semester unless I buy an expensive parking permit. Yesterday, while at our annual ice cream social, I had played a good round of volleyball and was just starting to get better at it when it started raining and soon I found myself completely soaked and nearly blinded by the heavy downpour. I had to take my glasses off and couldn't clean them until I reached my car which was sometime after I started walking to my friend's car who offered to give me a ride. Well, I hope never to get caught in such heavy rain again. Some other things, I have ran into old friends I hadn't seen in a while and one whom I didn't expect to see at all. I have dealt with some roommate/apt. issues already and done my best to be the best roommate possible i.e. create no conflicts. There are still somethings I wish I had and were better but I am dealing with them.

So it started out great, great connection, great fun and he comes back from a month of being out of phone reach and he sounds so excited to hear from me. Now he won't even text me back or call me back and I am not sure if its just because I said I really liked him ( I am too deathly afraid of even saying the other more powerful version of it) or if it really is just him. I already gave him a week of no incessant texting or calling and he finally calls to say that he can't stay awake as he is driving to Florida for a funeral.
Somehow I feel that maybe God does not want this to happen because he hasn't been all that great of influence though he hasn't been completely bad. Yet as I type, it doesn't make sense that God would do that. However, now I know how Peter felt when he said he never would and then God caught him all three times denying him. I didn't think I wanted to be lukewarm, I thought I wanted to be red hot for God but now I see that I am quite comfortable being average. I have gotten way too used to the ways of the world. I am such a shopaholic that I can't even manage my own finances. I feel extremely guilty of not wanting to fully abandon myself to God. It is true that God wants all or nothing and it is so in a relationship. C.S. Lewis said you can't separate one part from the whole mechanism of a relationship and that is what we do when we have sex and when we marry because we are in love. It should be the other way, we should get married because we want to help each other grow more Godly. Likewise, sex should make us want to stay with each other and not be just a thing to keep our "selves" satisfied. After all, being in love doesn't last...you may love each other but you don't have to always like each other every day. We are human after all and that makes anything but perfect so how can you have expect to have a perfect relationship if both are less than perfect. We in this reality are what in math terms call infinities....getting very closes to perfection (0) but never really quite touching it, always plateauing right as we are about to reach it. No, only through God can we ever really hope to achieve perfection and only through God aka Jesus is it that we can truly be cleansed of all our sins. Neither the future, present, nor past has or ever will achieve that perfection. God knew this all along from the start but He loved us so much that He did the only thing He could, give us hope in Jesus and hope that turns to faith and faith that saves but it is only if we truly believe in His love for us and understand that it was Him in the only way we could understand Him. It was His ultimate description and example of His love for us. These things have recently been revealed to me from my pain and hardships of enduring the waiting period for that someone to help me stay strong in this journey to perfection.

So here I am wondering once again, why did I allow myself the misery of falling for someone; this time some one far away. Yet I know that I cannot keep my heart locked away because then it will become stone, but perhaps suffering isn't as bad as it is painted by people. I once heard someone say that sadness is just a deeper form of happiness, and it doesn't seem far off. It is almost the same as the old saying, "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." I mean if money, wealth, fame are all meaningless to God then what is meaningful. So far I figure only experiences and people and memories but as for specifics, I have yet to figure out what. I have a feeling that suffering might as well be on the meaningful list. So I choose to suffer and so far have only suffered minor injuries on the road to love.
Though this be the second time, I have fallen for someone living quite a distance away. Even though I have yet to be in a serious relationship, I have never had my heart fully broken - only cracked - because it seems that all the people I ever like are always perfectly happy to have me as a friend and let me call them. I could always call them but they never would call me of their own free will, yet I was content for the matter being. So here at my fourth try, I have been called for the first time and have gotten pretty far except I haven't met him. All seems well on the outside but I wonder on the inside if it is. I feel it is myself that is making more of an effort to be the better person while he is content to be average. I thought we might be able to meet before summer's end but now he is telling me no and he is saying he is going to move even farther than before. Once again I feel myself at that crossroad where we split ways but keep in touch -deja vu perhaps-but then I wonder perhaps it is better this way. After all God has a plan for me and since he can see more than I can and is omnipotent and omnipresent , perhaps I should just trust Him. I won't worry but I will just trust Him.
I have given up trying to analyze the opposite sex's mind because in all my experiences doing that it only causes more trouble than help. I have instead taken up the neutral position of letting time follow its course so that whatever will happen happen. I do wish for love but I won't kill myself over it. If an opportunity arises, I shall cease it. Otherwise I am content to live with my friends and my life. It is in no way perfect but neither is it complete. Therefore I am working on it as you work on something. I have given up trying to belong in this world, the truth is I don't-for as a Christian, I belong to God and in His world not this present world that is not yet complete but has fallen as we all have. I don't try to be something I am not, rather I just am. I don't plan either because all my best plans God has thwarted and redirected, so I am just going with God's flow now. Que sera, sera.

As long as I have lived
There has been a whisper

Believe
And I believed
Be confident
And slowly came confidence
Take risks
And so I took a risk

I let myself
Be completely vulnerable
Be who I was
Be human
Be open to possibilities
Be ready
To seize the opportunity

By chance
We met one day
And talked of everything and nothing
Relevant and not relevant
Until an affinity was born

His voice traveled miles
His words crossed dimensions
So powerful were they
They became a dream
Where words they were no more
But now became
The source

And when I wake
I wish my dream
Was not a dream
And he were with me
And not so far away

Though the path is long
And uncertain
I cannot help
But listen to the whisper
That became words
That became my dream.

So this summer has been pretty good as per a job but there is still something missing. I have been missing my friend from New Jersey as I haven't heard from him in a while. I still haven't been paid and I am still scared about what is going to happen this new school year and where I am headed and what classes and what not. This time around I have good friends and as always my God to help me through these difficult lonely and scary times; He gives me strength to carry on because I don't know how else I would. I think I like this friend from New Jersey; he is a great and cool guy and we get along well. He is Catholic, so I am glad about that becaut se if he didn't believe in Christ it would not be good, but he has been out of reach all of July and I am missing his voice terribly. Adding to that, my feelings for my last crush have resurfaced. I don't think I will ever be able to overcome those feelings for my last crush but I can move on. I respect my crush's decision and understand it whole heartedly but just the same I have no power over my feelings; only my actions. So I am saying that I am willing to move on but there are somethings I don't want to forget. It has been a lonely July.
As for work, I think me and my friend James are just going to be friends because I really am not that attracted to him. I only started because my co-worker Laura kept hinting at me about James. Now don't get me wrong, James is a great guy but there is no chemistry between us. We get along fine but it just wouldn't work out to go out and I don't want to ruin our friendship. Besides right now, it is hard enough dealing with feelings for both my former crush and my friend from New Jersey. I feel so torn apart but I really just want to feel loved and happy, but when it comes to love - nothing ever is simple.

Rest

I cannot stop time
I cannot change my past
Just as surely
As I cannot stop
Myself from being sad

I still think about him
I still wish it were not so
I still have feelings for him
That will not go away

I take a step forward
As time passes by
I may forget
But can always recall

Loneliness
Is my constant companion
No matter where I go
How I change
It always follows me

Sadness becomes me
As the sun sets on the horizon
And thoughts surface
From the business of the day

All I wish
Is for this pain
To go away
So I can rest